Bridesmaid wants to bring new bf…

posted 2 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 92
Member
2328 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

holisticbabe :  I see your point, I was more thinking of the opposite that if he is keen it leads to a resentment situation where he knows the bride doesn’t want him there.

I’d quietly suss out the situation first before mentioning it to him 

Post # 95
Member
450 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

Innerdonught :  true. Could go either way! Also, if he has to take off several days for work. Just a lot of factors floating around this situation 

Post # 96
Member
12635 posts
Honey Beekeeper

The traditional etiquette for a wedding is that those who are married, engaged, living together or in a mature, long lasting, committed relationship should get invitations for their SOs.  Contrary to what some believe, that does not necessarily have to include dates for bridal party members or wedding guests. It’s a very nice and considerate gesture but it is not obligatory. 

That said, destination weddings are another story altogether. In most cases, they are not etiquette approved as they tend to put exotic venue over prioritizing the people who deserve to be there as well an undue burden of travel expense and vacation time on guests. That said, if you have one anyway, the very least you could do is allow not only bridal party, but any adult who attends to bring someone along as a travel companion. 

You have no other legitimate reason to say no other than the fact that you booked a venue that may be too small for your numbers. That’s hard to justify since your budget was not low to begin with. 

Post # 97
Member
82 posts
Worker bee

She is your bridesmaid which means she has spent money on a dress, spent money for your bachelorette party, and helped for free when she could. She’s done a lot for your wedding. That’s what bridesmaids do. I think you should give her the plus one as a free pass since she has done things for you. I normally always agree with the bride because I so get it, but it seems like you’re being a bit of a bratty bride. 

Post # 98
Member
1310 posts
Bumble bee

At this point, aren’t you just between a rock and a hard place given the maximum capacity of your venue? I feel like it makes little difference what the etiquette is or isn’t when you’re already pretty far over the max number of people. Unless you’ve not yet sent out invites, can you DEinvite someone (who has NOT yet been invited in any way, shape, or form only) and give this guy an invite instead? Ultimately, it sounds like a shitty situation, and I DO think your friend is putting you in it at least a little unfairly. Or does she not know about how far over the number you are? 

Post # 99
Member
2125 posts
Buzzing bee

My catering was $400 pp, so I totally know how it feels to invite people you don’t *really* want to. It’s not the main problem, but it adds to frustration. 

That aside, I really don’t understand why you’re being shredded here. She explicitly told you she did not want a plus one! You took that into consideration when inviting guests, and now she has changed her mind. Regardless of how long they have been together, she WAS given the option of a +1 but turned it down. 

OP – I think this is a convo you need to have with her. Tell her that you’re over on your guest count so you are already hoping some people will decline, but if you get enough “no” responses, he is welcome to join her. 

If I told the host of an event I wasn’t bringing anyone, I would be prepared to be told no if I changed my mind. I’m assuming though that if you get 110 confirming their attendance and you had to use your plan b venue, there would be room for him to come then? 

Post # 100
Member
73 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

I had a similar situation in which a bridesmaid and groomsman unexpectedly RSVPd with a guest. However, I am also of the train of thought that people standing in your party should be allowed a +1. They do a lot for you. There is a lot of time, money, and effort spent into attending your day. I more firmly believe that destination weddings (unless very, very intimate) should allow for guests to bring a plus one.

I also saw another thread of yours in which you contemplated bringing your hairstylist & her husband and again brought up cost of your meals. Maybe you could cut him out and offer the stylist the opportunity for a business trip?

Standing in a wedding is awesome and fun, but it is also a lot of time and effort. You can argue that you are allowing an opportunity for a vacation with a destination wedding, but unless you are paying for that vacation, I would like to have the chance to bring a guest. She is not a 16-year-old cousin wanting to bring her new crush, she is (I am assuming) an adult woman who is (again assuming) a good friend.

Maybe see she can invite him on the trip but actual wedding attendance may be left up to RSVP count. If he wants to fork out the cash for travel, why not let him? If the day approaches and you really can’t accomodate him, at least they know it going into it. Maybe you can let him in for a drink and dancing later in the evening:)

I think at the end of the day you are going to be more annoyed with people that RSVP and don’t attend…seems like every wedding has an unexpected attendee or two a few surprise no shows.

Post # 101
Member
10093 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

$300 a plate?

Is Cher shitting on the plate? Did I miss something?

Either way, it’s clear you have no intention of inviting him so what’s the point of the thread? 

Post # 102
Member
378 posts
Helper bee

She repeatedly told you she didn’t want a +1 and now she wants one?! Errrr no!!

you gave her the option of inviting a +1 it’s not like you are being nasty. 

You’re already over the numbers, it’s a new relationship and weddings aren’t cheap!!!!!! 

It’s a no brainer for me I’d say no (unless you get dop-outs) 

I was a Bridesmaid or Best Man for my best friend, I told her I didn’t want a +1 as I was single at the time. Then I went and met my Fiance a month before the wedding, I totally understood that weddings take planning and therefore couldn’t just invite him along. I wasn’t going to bring it up to be honest but she spoke to me about it explaining that everything was arranged but that he could come for the evening reception, which I thought was lovely of her. 

My point is…she said no to a +1, she can’t just change her mind and expect you to agree to it

Post # 103
Member
346 posts
Helper bee

Let her bring him! She’s in the wedding, so she is clearly a dear friend. It’s also a destination wedding, which is even more cause to give her a +1.

300 dollar isn’t change, but in 10 years will you really be worried about spending an extra 300 dollars. Also, the chances of having 101 guests and him being the tipping point is slim. I think 80% attendance for a destination wedding is actually a high estimate to begin with (other bees, correct me if I am wrong). 

And look, I understand maybe her asking a week after your finalized your list wasn’t ideal on her part… but come on, is inviting him really going to negatively impact you?? Don’t be petty, support the fact that love is in the air! 

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