Post # 1
One of my best friends recently told me that she can not be in my wedding party and she will not attend my wedding because she does not approve of my decision to get married. She said that it is her belief that you do not attend a wedding that you do not approve of.
That having been said, I would not have attended half of the weddings that I went to possibly including hers. I don’t think you only attend weddings that you approve of…. it isn’t a community poll or election: show up if you are in favor.
She does have some valid points about conflicts in my relationship though I believe that it is not the duty of a bridesmaid to approve of the union, but rather love and support her friend the bride.
She also said if I marry him, it will put a strain on our friendship because she can not stand to be in the same room with him.
Any thoughts on how to handle this situation??
Post # 3
I don’t think she’s really given you much of a choice of how to handle it. You tell her that you listened to what she had to say, maybe thank her for her honesty and say you regret that she doesn’t feel like she can be part of the wedding. And then you plan the wedding without her being a part of it. I’m sure she made this decision knowing it would have an affect on your friendship and she chose to share her feelings with you anyway. Maybe this is something you can get over as time passes, maybe not.
I think she’s made it pretty clear how she wants the situation handled and unfortunately all you can do is move on.
Post # 4
Wow. Well, people differ as to whether or not you should attend weddings that you don’t agree with. That being said, she’s already expressed her opinion to you really clearly and seems convinced that she can’t support you in this. With that on the table, would you really want her to be there? Every time you’d see her, you’d think of what she said — and *that* is not the kind of vibe I’d want on my wedding day.
(P.S. I say this as somebody who attended the wedding of one of my best friends without voicing any disapproval, but through my actions indicated I wasn’t very happy for her, which ended up really hurting her in the end. It probably would have been better if I’d (quietly) stayed away.)
Post # 5
My mom always says: don’t talk negatively about someones significant other, because if the relationship ends, your friend will need you and they will not come to you if you have run your mouth.
My friend calls me weekly crying about her own relationship –
At what point do I stop supporting someone who isn’t supporting me?
Post # 6
Oh Luc, I’m sorry! You should not have to deal with drama, especially not from a girl who is supposed to be supporting you.
As uncomfy as it may be, it seems like you need to talk to her. If you feel like your friendship needs to be a two way street, tell her about it. If you decide that her choice not to support you effectively ends the friendship, then be open about that, too.
Remember that this is a girl who you wanted to have stand beside you and be in your wedding pictures. She obviously cares about you, so you owe her enough to hear her out, but she needs to do the same.
Post # 7
You plan the best wedding possible to your liking!! If she has opinoins that is her problem you are obviously happy and love the guy or else you would not be getting married. She does not have to live with him, sleep in the same bed as him or even be around him as much as you so for her to sit and tell you she does not approve and will not be at the wedding is CRAZY!! You know what is right and if she can’t support you in that decision and be there for you on one of the most important days of you life well it is her loss then!! I am sure there are people who would be more then happy to be there for you!!
Post # 8
If I would be in your place, if would go more deep into the problem. Maybe you already did this before… Why your friend is so upset with your fiancee that she can’t stand him even in hers best friend’s wedding? Your friend seems to be very honest, and if she doesn’t approve him it has to be strong arguments. However, your friend is your friend "forever" no matter with who are you with….
Post # 9
I nearly did not attend a friend’s wedding because I thought she was making a mistake. In the end, I did attend (and was a good, happy guest), but it was a difficult decision. Sometimes I regret not being more forward with her, if only to make sure that she was 100% comfortable with what she was doing. Our friendship has definitely drifted over the years, partly because I can’t stand her husband and it makes me sad to see how she’s changed because of his influence.
So, think about what she said. Honestly assess whether you want to be getting married to this person at this time. It’s okay if you decide "no, I don’t want to do this." It’s okay if you decide "yes, this is what I want." If you will still be getting married, let your friend know that you’ve considered her points but know that you decided this is what you want. That may satisfy her. If she still chooses to not be in your wedding, so be it. You both made your decisions.
Post # 10
I don’t know your friend or what issues she is referring to, but there is a good chance that she agonized over what to say and do – and ultimately decided that she cared enough about you to be honest, knowing she was putting her friendship on the line. I have gone to plenty of weddings where I wasn’t a huge supporter, but if I thought a friend was making a huge mistake, I would have to think hard about whether or not I was ok risking the friendship for the small chance it might ultimately help.
If you think that you understand the issues on her mind, and believe you are making the right choice anyways, then she has made her decision. If you want to remain friends, it will likely have ot be through get togethers that don’t involve your spouses.
Post # 11
I agree that there’s not much you can do. You’re not going to talk her into changing her mind – I’m sure it wasn’t an easy decision for her in the first place. So as long as you’re not considering calling off the wedding because of this (I assume you’re not) you just go ahead without her. I would still send her an invitation, just in case she changes her mind, and assuming that you still want to try to be her friend.
It is possible to be friends with someone who doesn’t like your spouse, or who your spouse doesn’t like, as long as it doesn’t cause a lot of conflict. If the two of you can do things together that don’t involve seeing or talking about your husbands, you’ll probably be fine. If not, then the friendship is probably over anyway. (For instance, if you know that she’s going to harp on you about your "bad" choice every time you get together, or if you know that you can’t reasonably spend time with her without talking about your husband or your relationship.)
If in fact this friend is the one who calls crying all the time, it sounds like she is an emotional drain on you, and is expecting a lot of support, but not willing to offer any – so you might really consider whether the friendship makes any sense for you. At the very least you have the right to tell someone that you just can’t hear about their problems anymore, at least until they are ready to do something about them. It’s perfectly reasonable to tell her that while you’re happy to have fun with her – go for coffee, see a movie, shop – you can’t be her shoulder to cry on anymore. And really – that’s what caller ID is for, isn’t it? Just stop answering the phone. Or if you feel compelled to answer, when the conversation starts to go that way, just say that you really have to go, and you’ll talk to her later! And hang up.
Post # 12
- Wedding: June 2008 - Winery in the Gold Country
I think your friendship is over. She basically said, "it’s me or him" and you’ve made your choice, it’s your life and you’re marrying the man you love, and she put you in that position. I don’t know what exactly you could do to remedy this situation, after all she put you in it. I’d honestly move on. She was the one who "broke" your friendship. If you know you made the right decision to marry your fiance, then I’m not sure your relationship with your friend could get past such a bold statement like that that she made.
Post # 13
I am in a similar situation, but I am on the other side of it. Over last few months I got a strong feeling that my Maid/Matron of Honor dislikes the fact that I’m getting married, every time I even mentioned a wedding I felt the topic was unpleasant for her. I also had a feeling that we are not so close anymore, she rarely writes to me and never calls first (we live in different countries). When I called her she made me feel I was unwelcome.
So I told her that she’s no longer a Maid/Matron of Honor, cause I expect more support (at least emotional). I still invite her a s a guest. She’s pissed. I wonder why.