(Closed) Bridesmaid will not stop complaining!

posted 10 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
278 posts
Helper bee

Wow – I’m sorry you have to be going through this.

Is it possible that something is bothering her?  It just doesn’t seem normal to be full of negativity when one of your best friends is getting married.  I would really try pulling her aside and talking to her about this.  There is no reason for her to be like this, especially when it’s not her wedding!  Maybe there’s something deep down that she just doesn’t know how to share and it’s coming off in a very negative way.  Let her know that you don’t appreciate her harsh comments and would like to know why she seems so against you when you need her by your side.

I hope things work out between you and your Bridesmaid or Best Man.  If she hasn’t been 100% supportive, would you consider not having her as your BM?

 

Post # 4
Member
613 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

She’s probably jealous.  I have a couple of friends (not BMS thank goodness) not are complaining  about every detail of MY wedding.  The venue sucks, our colors are tacky, etc.  My perspective is that they have very different ideas for their own weddings (and when they find some gullible sap who will marry them I am sure those dreams will come true).  In the meantime, stop sharing every detail with her.  I am sure you are super excited and want to involve the worls, but going forward, only invite poeple with positive energy.

FYI, I would probably stop changing details to appease her.  She is clearly going to complain about everything, no matter what.  When you hear comments she has made from others, dont let it get under your skin.  Just remember that it is your wedding, everyone is going to have unsolicited opinions and advice, and she’s just makeing herself look like a selfish, jealous, bi-otch.

Post # 5
Member
596 posts
Busy bee

Sorry to hear you are going through this.  One of my closest friends was one of my BMs and she was demanding and obnoxious throughout the whole process…from demanding that I provide her with a place to stay for free, to chauffering her around for the whole time she was in town, and demanding a full bouquet because corsages are just so "prom-y" and she didn’t understand why it was a big deal that getting bouquets would have cost hundreds of dollars extra because I could have just picked cheaper flowers.  I didn’t even pick her dress, make her get her hair or makeup done, or tell her what accessories to wear and she still couldn’t stop complaining about how expensive everything was.  By the end of it, I was ready to smack her!  And quite honestly, there are days where I am still annoyed when I think back to that behavior.  I wish I had spoken up back then but I honestly didn’t think I could do it without losing it.  If you can find a way to approach her calmly and respectfully and maybe even gently give her an out, that might be the best for your sanity!  I might suggest something along the lines of "It seems that the wedding has imposed a lot of things on you that you’re not comfortable with or financially able to cover.  I certainly don’t want the wedding to put you in that position so if there’s anything you’d like to talk about or if you would prefer to be a guest to remove some of the burden, that would be totally okay with me."

Good luck!

Post # 6
Member
398 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2009

I am sorry you have to deal with this.  I think she is either jealous or has some personal issues.  Either way you will have to communicate with her to figure it out.  In the end if it appears that she is just jealous, then minimize detail discussion with her to ease the negativity.  If there is a personal issue maybe you or the others in the party will be able to assist her.

Just make sure you are planning a wedding for you not for you party.

Good Luck!

Post # 7
Member
31 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2009

I think she is causing you way too much stress and bringing way too much negativity to your wedding.  This is a time when people should be happy for you (and if they’re not, at least pretend they are!).  If you (logistically) can cut her out of the wedding, I would, just to save your own sanity.  You don’t want this girl ruining your big day!  And if she’s acting like this, I’m sorry to say but she does not have your best interests at heart and you might want to reconsider her as a friend. 

Post # 8
Member
700 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Honestly, I think there are a few instances of brides where it has been totally justifyable to pull aside a bridesmaid and ask them to come as a guest rather than as a member of the wedding party due to the "hardships" (ahem…complaining) the bridesmaid has done.  I think this bridesmaid is pushing you as far as she can go with it, and it might be time to stop accomodating her (although you are LOVELY for trying) and tell her gently and firmly that there are three options for her.

1) be a bridesmaid and STFU.  🙂  (remember to smile…)

2) be a wedding guest with less responsibilities

3) don’t come. 

Sometimes tough love is the best love for all parties involved…

Post # 9
Member
672 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2009

I’d probably stop sharing the details with her.  Has she always been a really negative person and/or does she have some issues in her own life going on right now?  If you’re more interested in just keeping the peace and getting through this, I think the best thing you can do is stop telling her about your various choices – and if she asks just say, "This best reflects us as a couple, and that’s what matters." 

 

You’d be the best judge of whether or not it’s worth sitting down and talking with her.  Some people are just difficult to deal with and there may not be any easy solution. When I first got engaged I asked an old old friend of mine to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man bc we had promised each other long ago that we’d be in each others weddings.  So I honored it and immediately wished I hadn’t — dealing with her more often made me realize all the reasons why we weren’t close anymore.  One day she blew up at me over something random and not wedding-related and I decided the best thing I could do was wait a week and then just tell her how I felt about it and tried to give her an out with the whole thing.  I assumed she wouldnt’ take it well no matter how hard I tried, and of course she didn’t.  I was stuck either way – an uncooperative Bridesmaid or Best Man who I didn’t feel close to, or pissing off a friend.  Sometimes there’s just not an easy way to do things.  Even though I wish I hadn’t caved into nostalgia and offered her a Bridesmaid or Best Man spot in the first place, I’m SO GLAD we had our fight bc it really made me realize what kind of person she was and that it wasn’t best for us to pretend we were better friends than we were.  

 

Post # 10
Member
2640 posts
Sugar bee

I totally agree with 86ing keeping her involved with the details.  She cannot handle it.

Jealousy is certainly one ofthose uglies that can change people who are involved in weddings.  It could very well be that she is trying to make herself feel better by putting others down.  Maybe she wants to be the one getting married and the only way she can make herself feel better is to think when she gets married she’ll have a wedding venue with more perfect carpeting and Bridesmaid or Best Man dresses that won’t blow away.  People don’t always realize how they are coming across, either.  Maybe at times she felt like she was just  trying to be honest.  Maybe she lacks a little fniess and has been known to be overly blunt???  Also, friendships can be viewed as being ranked around weddings

Is this behavior uncharacteristic?  Is this the only time at which you’ve felt like you want to give up and not be friends with her?  I know you’re fed up, but if she is really a friend you’ve held dear until now, I would  try to remain an even keel until after the wedding.  Things will probably calm dwn at that point.  truly think about if you want to end your friendship.

I think it would be fine to sit down and ask what’s eating her lately.  I don’t know if I would simply try to give her a way out.  If it were me, I would think the bride was basically kicking me out.  (Maybe I’m sensitive.)  But if that is your goal, I guess tat’s OK.  But be prepared for hurt feelings, and possibly the end of a friendship.  But I think if no one has set her straight on her behavior yet, it’s time you lay it on the table.

Post # 11
Member
484 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

I’ve gone through a very similar situation…for the last 7 months I let a bridesmaidzilla walk all over me, complain, make negative criticisms, change the way i wanted my wedding to be, and generally just made me feel like crap about my OWN wedding.

We’ve been friends for like 10 years, but haven’t really been as close the past few years or so. She got pregnant after high school, got married (I was a Bridesmaid or Best Man in her wedding) and is now a divorced single mother. I moved away, went to college, am doing the whole career thing, and marrying a great guy. Anyway, we’ve def. grown apart over the years and we just really don’t have much in common anymore.

I basically asked her because I felt obligated to- I was a Bridesmaid or Best Man in her wedding and we’ve been friends for so long so….there it was.

Anyway over the last 7 months I’ve really tried to just turn the other cheek and not let her behavior get to me. But recently (like, last week) things kinda changed…needless to say a pretty big argument happened and she was completely defensive about any and everything she has done and said, pointed fingers and blamed me for everything you can think of, and was generally very high school drama’ish about it.

I finally decided that ‘sticking it out’ for a friendship that was dead anyway just isn’t worth it to me. I’m tired of stressing over her behavior and being disrespected and treated like crap basically.

I told her last night I didn’t want her in the wedding party anymore (in a very mature way explaining everything) and of course her response was the same diva/high school drama tune from before…it sucks it had to end this way but, as a friend of mine told me recently:

"Trim the fat, or tell the fat the shut the hell up!"

Post # 12
Member
337 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

Man what rough situations! I thought my bms were a pain in the A*s! I definitely have a few that are complaining about priciness and not wanting to do anything I thought we could do for the bachelorette party. I have one in particular that I have needed to talk to for quite some time, but I can’t bring myself to do it before the wedding (in case it ruins it somehow!) How much of a wienie am I?

Post # 13
Member
13 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2009

OMG!  I think I could have written this post.  I’m in a very similar situation!  I’m sorry that you’re going through this too!

I did’t want to give my friend "the boot," so after talking with her about everything I’ve decided to let bygones be bygones and move on.  I’m still really upset and disappointed with her behavior, but if I keep dwelling on it, it’s only going to ruin my wedding.

I hope everything works out for you!  Just remember, don’t expect her to change.  On your wedding day, she’s probably going to be all about herself that day too. 

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