Post # 1
Hello Beautiful Bees!!
When I purchased my house in June with my future fiance (we got engaged in Sept) it was a given that his sister was going to move in with us to get out of a bad situation, and she did. She is currently in college (age 24) and is working 20hours a week. So we decided not to charge her rent (plus we thought it would only be for a semester). So she moved in and whines about how she has no time, while we’re working 40 hours a week (each) she’s only out of the house for less than 30. She never cooks or cleans unless we ask/tell her too, and it’s just been stressful in general. So when her brother and I got engaged I asked her if she would want to be one of my bridesmaids. She said yes. I was excited, because I do like her generally even if I think she is rather lazy.
Now she is planning my bridal shower, and asked me if I wanted her to hand make the invitations or not. I told her it was her choice, but I’d buy premade ones because I am not that talented. She decided she wanted to make them by hand. So she got the stuff, decided to stamp big flowers on each and then handcolor them in. Now she wants my help with making them, which I am kind of okay with but am also feeling as though I don’t want to, since I didn’t ask her to handmake them, and she complains about how long they are taking. She asked for my guest list and I gave it to her and I included her Aunts and Cousins (since they are the future Mr. Dollface’s family). She told me that she doesn’t want more than 10 people to come since she doesn’t want to cook for all of the 25 people I want to invite (she wants to have a tea/chocolate party). She then told me that I shouldn’t invite her aunts or cousins (who I see more frequently than my own family) because they aren’t “my family”. I told her that they will become my family when her brother and I get married, and she was like yeah, but they still aren’t your family.
I should not let it get to me but I just feel so sad that she acts like throwing my bridal shower a chore, she acts like I should feel grateful that she is doing all of this stuff – while making me help – and yet doesn’t seem grateful for the fact that I let her live in my house for free, I cook for her and her brother, and clean up after her =/ , plus listen to all of her boyfriend drama (without complaining because that is what family does) – and that her family is not my family. I’ve only been dating him for 5 years. I guess I just feel sad and hurt and feel that I am not as close to her as I thought I was. Am I overreacting?
Thanks so much!!
Post # 3
This girl is walking all over you. Seriously, I think you should tell her you’re too busy to help her with the bridal shower; that the guest list means a lot to you and whether she likes it or not, you want to invite them; and, in a separate conversation, talk to her about when she can start making plans to move out as the wedding date gets closer, how she can help more around the house until then “since you’re busy wedding planning,” and have Fiance talk to her about it too.
Good luck! She sounds like a real treat… not.
Post # 4
I second @LaborofLove. One other point: cooking for 25 people is quite a chore, and I think you should get your other bridesmaids (or other relatives involved). It’s hard to sympathize with Future Sister-In-Law given all the other info you provide, but in isolation, expecting someone to cook for 25 people is a bit much.
Post # 5
Bridal shower is meant to celebrate YOU.
It’s suppose to be a day for you so don’t let anyone neglect your wishes for that one day.
btw, do you have other BMs that can help?
Also, maybe she doensn’t know how this whole bridal shower works but you should not be helping with the shower..
Post # 6
She sounds really self absorbed. Maybe she’s normally not this way but she may be going through something that makes her fail to see how she affects others. She shouldn’t be asking you for any more than your input, and even that should be kept to a minimum. The point of throwing you a shower is to allow you to attend a party in your honor that you didn’t have to prepare. You most certainly should be inviting his family, she may not know the protocol here. That will be your family, they should celebrate with you. Is there anyone else that can help her? So she doesn’t feel so overwhelmed?
Post # 7
Maybe your Fiance could step in and help out a little. Maybe he could talk to his mom or an aunt and have them come in and help her out? Sounds like somebody needs to step up or else the shower might not come together. I’d pissed about the family thing too. That girl just doesn’t get it.
Post # 8
I agree, we need to ask her what her plans are and when she is planning on leaving.
I did ask my other girls (last night) if they would be willing to help out and they said they would. =) I guess I just feel so frustrated and hurt ya know?
Post # 9
Ok. First off, there are a number of issues here.
1). I think she is taking advantage of you and your FI’s generosity in allowing her to live with you. If you don’t live for free, neither should she. This means if she isn’t paying rent, she needs to do her fair share otherwise. Also, since she has clearly overstayed her welcome, I think you both would be justified in helping her to move onto the stage of her life (aka pushing that freeloader out!)
2). I think her overall attitude about your wedding and shower is poor. You would think that would want to go out of her way for her brother’s fiance who has so graciously allowed her to live in their house rent free. If at least not that, you would think that she would want to share in her brother’s celebrations.
You are not overreacting. You have a very selfish girl on your hands. I wouldn’t take it personally, but I would get her out of your house. You are going above and beyond for her, but she is also an adult and needs to be responsible for herself.
Post # 10
aw I would feel hurt too especially about the family comment.
And especially when your wedding date is so close too!
sigh.. somethings only Weddingbees would understand =p
Post # 11
I agree with everyone who says it sounds like she does not have a great attitude towards this. However, I want to point out that, as a student, she may have less time than it seems like. If she is in class 10 hours a week, she should (at the college level) have about 30 hours a week of reading/studying/writing to do outside of class. Working 20 hours a week at a job is actually a lot for someone who’s taking a full course load. So it’s possible that she legitimately is very busy, although she’s certainly not handling it well when it comes to your shower.
Post # 12
I’m in college and work 20 hrs/week for this semester. (Have worked more until this point.) I agree w/ historienne…she may be really busy, and I also agree that cooking for 25 people could be a lot for her to handle. Can your other BMs get involved? If it were me and I knew the shower were only going to cause conflicts, I’d just cancel it to be honest… maybe thats why I’m not having one lol..but yeah I PERSONALLY didn’t ask my BMs for anything at all because one just graduated from college, one is in college, and the other is just going into college, and one who is in college had to pull out. They are super busy. Do you have any older BMs who are working regular jobs and/or maybe not living a hectic lifestyle?
Post # 13
I think you are over-reacting. Working 20 hours a week while holding down a full-time college courseload is HARD so she probably really doesn’t have much time. It’s really nice of her to host your shower. Why not help her out a bit with that one small task? Moreover, a bridal shower is traditionally limited to the 8-10 closest friends and family. Sorry but she is correct in etiquette to limit the guest list.
Also she’s in college, and college students are pretty much uniformly messy. You can of course set rules such as she must clean the bathroom she uses and no dishes in the sink, and you can require her to pay a reasonable amount in rent.
Post # 14
I understand that she is busy, but if she’s working 20/hours a week she should be making enough to pay at least a nominal amount in rent, or at least pick up one major bill a month (water, electric, food, whatever). It sounds like she is totally taking advantage of you both.
Regarding the shower, the bride provides the guest list, and typically aunts/cousins on both sides would be invited. However, once you provide a reasonable list (and In My Humble Opinion 25 is not crazy as not everyone will come) your bridesmaids determine the manner in which they will host. You don’t get to dictate that they host 25 people at a 4-star restaurant, but 25 people for tea and chocolate (her idea, chips and dip would be fine too if that is what budget permitted) isn’t exactly outrageous here.
Post # 15
I think that you need to go over some “chores” with her. She’s not paying rent, so she should at least help out. The rule here is that if you use it, eat off it, or muss it up then clean it up. I think it is reasonable to expect her to be able to accomodate 25 people because she’s not actually cooking for them if it is tea and chocolate (and whatever snack foods she wishes). Showers don’t normally consist of super elaborate dishes or generally anything more than finger foods.
I think you should sympathize a little with her wanting to have handmade invitations, because she is trying to make it nice at least. I would honestly suggest that she ask your other BM’s for help on it or something along those lines. I’m sure they’d be willing to help her out as much as possible.