Post # 1
I’m usually pretty drama free, but selecting my bridesmaids has become a bit of an issue. I have three girls selected who are my best friends. The problem is my fiance’s brother has a girlfriend he’s been dating for years and they will eventually be married, which will make us sisters-in-law. We attend numerous family events and holidays hosted by my fiance’s family. The girl, “Lacey” (changed name) and I were friends in high school and were very close for years until a falling out last year. This basically involved her deciding she doesn’t want to be my friend. I have tried to patch up the friendship and am saddened by this. I really miss her, but she’s been having emotional problems and isn’t ready to be friends. There’s a mix of resentment and anger (we were roommates while she had her emotional down-turn) between us. The family knows something is wrong (she’s been having angry outbursts and doesn’t come by any more, but they don’t know what and they’re confused abot why she and I aren’t friends anymore.
My fiance has asked his brother to be a groomsmen, but I haven’t asked Lacey to be a bridesmaid. There are some issues with her that frankly I’m still angry about. If I ask her, I will constantly worry about her pressence on my wedding day. If I don’t ask her, I will be obviously excluding her (especially since her boyfriend will be in the wedding party.) My future family in law won’t understand why I didn’t ask her. Also, if I don’t ask her there will be that thought in the back of both our minds for a long time. However, I am certain if the situation were reversed she wouldn’t ask me to be a bridesmaid.
I’m struggling with this because I feel bad about the trouble between us and I wish we were friends, but I am still angry. I can’t decide if I should ask her to be a bridesmaid. She doesn’t get along with my fiance, and he says that he would be uncomfortable with her in the wedding party, but that I should decide on my own and would understand if I ask her. What you do you guys think?
Post # 3
I think maybe you should try to patch things up first and not mention anything about being a bridesmaid. See if you two could go out to lunch and talk things through. Explain that you miss her and you truly want to repair the damage and see if you can continue being friends. If it’s possible to patch things up then you could ask her to be a bridesmaid if that’s what YOU truly want. Don’t feel pressured to include her, they aren’t even engaged or married.
If you aren’t able to patch things up and you and your fiance decide you truly don’t want her to be in your wedding party I think he should be the one to explain that to his family. You mentioned he doesn’t want her there and it’s HIS family..I’d let him take on that responsibility.
Post # 4
It’s tricky because we already tried to have a talk and patch things up, but it turned explosive. She LOATHES my fiance and seems to convert those angry feelings onto me. We tried to agree to take things slow and try to be friends, but I haven’t seen or heard from her in months. She didn’t even say congratulations when I got engaged, or when I got my first real job- two things which really hurt. So I don’t know if we can ever patch it up.
Post # 5
My gut says don’t ask her. If she loathes your fiance, she shouldn’t be a part of the important people standing up to support the marriage. If she couldn’t even be bothered to congratulate you on your engagement, she certainly isn’t showing any interest in supporting the marriage.
Post # 6
Ohhh yikes. Personally, I wouldn’t want someone in my wedding party who loathes my fiance. I want girls who are not only happy for me but for my fiance and our marriage. It doesn’t sound like she is able to look past whatever has happened in the past and repair the relationship.
In this case I think you need to maybe honor your fiance’s wishes and not include her in the wedding party. You don’t want someone who will constantly bash the man you are about to marry or try to bring up old drama. I would have your fiance explain this to his family and then maybe find an alternative role for her if they insist. Like a reader or guestbook.
Post # 7
Yeah I know it would really upset my fiance. It’s hard because other people might not understand, but I need to do what works for me. You’re right about her not supporting our marriage- that is the point of a wedding party. It seems counteractive to invite someone to stand up there in support of us who doesn’t even like my fiance. That’s a good point.
Post # 8
Little Audrey—Honestly, nothing at all in what you told us indicates that she should be a bridesmaid. IF she were your fiance’s sister, that would be very different. I struggled with whether to include my Future Sister-In-Law (FI’s sister) and ultimately decided it was really important that I did.
BUT. She is NOT your FI’s sister, so while she will one day be your SIL, you guys really don’t have an official family connection yet. I know you say that her boyfriend is in the wedding party…but her boyfriend is family! And even once they are married and she is your SIL, it’s a different kind of SIL than if she were your FI’s sister. I really see no family obligation there. At all. ESPECIALLY because you know she wouldn’t include you in her wedding…so why sacrifice happiness to include her?
It sounds to me like she would make you so unhappy to have to be around on your special day, like your Fiance would be unhappy and like she wouldn’t even be all that happy.
In other words, it isn’t worth it. No one has the right to make you feel bad about the most special time of your life.
Post # 9
Just because she will be family doesn’t make you obligated to make her a Bridesmaid or Best Man.
Post # 10
I agree with the other posters. Let her know that you care about her and if she needs to talk you’re there for her through this difficult time. And then leave it at that. She is toxic, and that is the last person you need standing up with you on your wedding day.
Post # 11
All signs point to no. (Magic 8 ball anyone?) Try to patch things up, but don’t ask her-you don’t need the stress. If she keeps acting up, your FI’s bro might dump her anyway.
Post # 12
If she doesn’t like you Fiance then she shouldn’t be in the wedding party. Period. How would you feel if one of your FI’s groomsmen hated you?? I wouldn’t want someone wishing me dead standing next to me while I take my vows! I think it’s best you exclude her. It doesn’t matter if other people are curious why you do it because both you and she know why.
Post # 13
My first reaction was undecided, but when I read your second post, I agreed with everyone else that she should not be included. She’s not “family” yet, and even if she had already married your Future Brother-In-Law, your friendship with her (and your fiance’s relationship with her) sounds way too strained. And ‘ll bet she’s not expecting to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man, which makes it easier! It sounds like the only people in this whole situation who might be confused are the rest of your FI’s family, but they should understand that it’s your decision. Plus, if they knew that she and your Fiance didn’t get along, I’m sure they’d also agree it’s best to keep her out of the bridal party. (Does your FI’s brother know that she’s not get getting along with your FI?) However, if things do happen to improve (if you AND your finance become friends again), you still have plenty of time to ask her. That’s a BIG “if” though! Good luck! 🙂
EDIT–Whoops, just re-read my post. Don’t worry, I don’t think you and your fiance need to “become friends again.” I meant if the two of you patched up your friendships with HER. Big difference there! 🙂