Post # 1
So my fiancé’s cousin is one of my bridesmaids and his aunt emailed me yesterday, not my fiancè, to see if we could host a gathering in honor of her 21st birthday.
Our wedding is going to be pretty hands- on being that we have to bring everything to the venue and set it all up. I’m probably going to be going nuts the day before my wedding making sure everything is right for the next day and also doing the rehearsal and the rehearsal dinner that night. I told my Fiancé that I would be willing to have a cake for her at the rehearsal dinner and we could all sing to her, but I don’t know how “we” would be able to plan another event just for her birthday.
I don’t want her 21st birthday to be forgotten, but I also do t want it overshadowing our wedding. She is going to get what everyone dreams of for their 21st birthday, all of her family around her and an open bar. My fiancé agrees that we don’t need to plan another event for it and really, she should celebrate her 21st birthday with her friends.
I told him that he needs to express that to his family because even though we’ve been together for almost 6 years, I can’t be the one to deliver that message, it’s just not my family- at least not yet.
I am also concerned that if our rehearsal dinner is the same night, his parents will invite their whole family and exclude my family(which are a lot of out of town guests) and use her birthday as an excuse and also say that they want to keep the cost down so they won’t be able to invite my side of the family.
We are going to see them on Sunday for Easte, so we will discuss then. How do I approach my issues with the guest list for the rehearsal dinner so they understand my concerns?
Post # 2
just tell her
“oh, I didn’t realize it was her birthday. And her 21st too, how lovely. Unfortunately Fiance and I will have too much on our hands to host any additional events, but we’ll do our best to find time to show up if someone else hosts something, and we’ll be sure to wish her our best! of course, as you know, we’ll have our rehearsal and rehearsal dinner that night, so it might be impossible for us to celebrate her birthday with her that day.”
If you catch wind that they’re excluding your family from your rehearsal, just let them know that you understand where they’re coming from but unfortunately it’s not acceptable that people attending the rehearsal be excluded from the rehearsal dinner. Be ready to host the dinner yourself if they won’t budge, as unfortunately while it’d be incredible rude of them to do that, you can’t control the actions of others. Unless they say something to the effect that they will exclude your family, I wouldn’t operate on that assumption. If you want to be sure they won’t, or bring up the subject so you can tackle it now rather than later, simply ask her when she would like the final guest count for your side of the family for the rehearsal, and the address and time for you to tell your family, or something along those lines.
Post # 3
I think it’s very odd that her mom expected you guys–her daughter’s cousin and his fiancee–to host her daughter’s birthday party, especially the night before your wedding. What exactly is stopping the birthday girl from going out with friends and celebrating before or after the rehearsal dinner? You can gift her a nice bottle of booze or some other birthday gift when you see her at the dinner.
Post # 4
What does your Bridesmaid or Best Man want for her birthday? Im guessing you are somewhat close if she is your Bridesmaid or Best Man, so you could just talk to her.. i suppose she might say she doesn’t mind when she really does, but its a start.
Post # 5
Asking you to host a separate 21st birthday party the day before your wedding is a BIG ask. I would just tell your FAIL (hahahaha) that you are way too swamped to plan anything additional and reiterate your idea of singing and having a birthday cake for your FI’s cousin at your Rehearsal Dinner. Maybe also have an extra dessert brought out to her at the wedding or have the venue staff place a candle in her slice of cake.
Also, I’m with the bee who isn’t sure why your FAIL is emailing you to set this up instead of her own son, the birthday girl’s actual cousin. Yes, she’s a Bridesmaid or Best Man so I’m assuming you’re close to her, but your Fiance is her relative. Sounds a little eye-roll-worthy all around, and the poor girl would probably be mortified if she knew what her aunt was up to.
Post # 6
I agree with the first poster as to what you can tell them. At the same time, I never got into that “OMG, I’m 21” mindset. If I were her, I’d wait until the following weekend and celebrate with my friends then. Heck, I didn’t have a drink for 6 months after my 21st bday. I can’t imagine she’s really dreaming of a night with her family while she gets wasted. But obviously that aspect of it is her choice. Just bow out of hosting (wtf?) and whatever happens, happens.
Post # 7
you are righ- she is pretty laid back and would probably not care and be grateful if we sang and did a cake for her at the rehearsal dinner. Her mom and my fiancé’s mom (sisters) are pretty pushy ladies. I think it is just my fiancé’s aunt who is thinking about her daughter and not they fact that I will be pre- occupied with my wedding.
Post # 8
My nieces bday was the day of our wedding. She turned 12. We ordered her her very own mini-cake and sang her happy bday but that was it. I wouldn’t think you’d need to do anything more.
Post # 9
Who is hosting the rehersal dinner? I wouldn’t allow the guest list to change but would happily get a cake for her. However if they are hosting the Rehearsal Dinner they get a say in who is invited.
Post # 10
Thank you everyone for reassuring me that I’m not crazy! We will mention the cake and singing at the rehearsal dinner for her on her actual birthday and leave it at that.
It is super weird that my soon to be aunt in law would ask me this rather than her nephew- the groom. Maybe she feels like I would cave to keep the peace?
She is pretty pushy and uses her daughter as an excuse for a lot of events to push her way in. She got invited to our engagement party that was supposed to be immediate families only “For her daughter’s sake”. It’s just her and her daughter, dad is out of the picture and everyone wants hwe daughter to feel a part of the family. That is fine at Christmas, but I was hoping to have just our immediate families for our engagement party as a symbol of our two families blending. That didn’t happen.
Post # 11
grooms parents are hosting the RD- yes they get a day for sure, but I don’t want them to invite all their siblings so that her birthday isn’t ruined and then say that my dad’s siblings aren’t invited for cost reasons. All of my dads siblings are out of town guests too.
Post # 12
Couldn’t her mom host a birthday lunch or something, if it’s important to do it on the actual day of her birthday? I agree with what the others have said, it’s a weird request, I think it would be generous to have a cake and sing happy birthday at the rehersal dinner, but that’s all I would do. You have way too much on your hands.
Post # 13
I find the whole thing weird and I think your plan to get her a cake and sing to her is lovely. That is all you have to do. She can celebrate the weekend before or after. No big deal.