(Closed) Bridesmaids are making me feel seriously alienated….

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1093 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Accepting the role of a Maid/Matron of Honor or Bridesmaid or Best Man comes with responsibilities. They are to stand with you at the alter on one of the most important days of your life. Usually the Maid/Matron of Honor (maybe also the BM) is responsibile for the shower and bachelorette party. I think some girls say yes without knowing what exactly is involved. Can you ask them what they have planned for the shower and bachelorette party?

As far as them being excited about your wedding, asking about details and helping with projects theres something I’ve heard over and over from many bees. There is no one MORE excited about your wedding than you. They don’t live it 24/7 like you. That’s what we’re here for. Ok, we can’t help with your programs or making pom poms but we all are either planning or have had a wedding and are obsesssed with them. Heck, were celebrating our 1 year anniversary next month and I’m still here!!! 

 

Post # 4
Member
143 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@BB2013:  I know exactly how you feel. I have four bridesmaids. My Maid of Honor has been my best friend for almost 25 years. My Matron of Honor has been a best friend of mine for 15 years. My other two bridesmaids have been really good friends of mine for the past 6 years or so. My MaidOH has been snarky and pissy about my ceremony as well as not liking the dress I picked out that everyone else loves. She never calls me. My MatronOH doesn’t call either but she does have a baby now so I get it, but she also quit working full-time and went to part time so I feel like she should be a little more willing to call and be involved. My other two bridesmaids don’t call either but they have been willing to help me with whatever I need. I don’t mind the not calling stuff really because I’m not a big phone talker anyways. The one I’m upset with really is my MaidOH, too. She also doesn’t want to come down until the afternoon before the wedding, which will be the rehearsal, because she doesn’t want to have to take off anymore time from work than necessary. Now I could understand that if she didn’t have the time to take but she takes off all the time when it’s something SHE wants to do. She is very selfish and a bitch. Mean but true. I still love her dearly but she drives me nuts. I finally just told her I needed her down here on Thursday because I needed her help and she said okay. Why she didn’t think I would need her help to begin with, I have no clue. 

I feel for you and really all I can offer you is to encourage you not to let her get to you. Tell her what you want her to do. If she doesn’t want to do it, then tell her you’ll give the title to someone who can give you the help you need. I think sometimes they are waiting for you to tell them everything you need even though they should be asking. Good luck!

Post # 5
Member
2104 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

First, I would be straightforward with your expectations of them.  Not every bride/wedding is the same and expectations are not always the same, so you can’t truly be upset with them until they know what is expected of them.  Second, like the PP said, nobody is nearly as excited about your wedding as you are.  And probably nobody will show much interest until a couple of months before the wedding.  People suddenly realize how close it is and then they start asking questions and getting more involved.  You’ve got a bit of time until people get to that point.

Third, showers and bachelorette parties are not requirements, but rather nice parties that are thrown in honor of the bride.  It depends on the financial situation of the person throwing the party, as well as the logistics of getting people together.  If you have people living far from each other, it’ll be very difficult on the wedding party to travel for multiple parties as well as the wedding.  If money and logistics don’t allow for the parties to happen, then it’s not really your call to make whether they are thrown or not.

Post # 6
Member
5984 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2010

sit down with them and let them know what you need from them. Your wedding is 10 months away and if they are single they dont understand that you are already planning. What are you wanting them to do at this point? I am a Bridesmaid or Best Man at a wedding next september and I keep asking the bride and she keeps saying she doesnt need anything for a while from me. 

Post # 8
Member
1470 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I can see how you would want them to ask questions and ask how they can help. But, it is 10 months away and things have a way of coming together. My sisters are my bridesmaids. One from out of state and the other from out of the country. Part of that decision was bc I have lots of close gfs and didn’t want to choose among them. My sisters didn’t plan a shower. (In SF most people don’t live near their families and so showers are less common.) My aunt planned one in my home state just 2 weeks before i was due for a visit. My local friends didn’t start planning my bach party until 3 months before the wedding.I knew they loved me, they just have busy lives! I’m sure they love you and want to be there for you.

Your Maid/Matron of Honor situation sounds tough though. She shouldn’t be annoyed if you truly are trying to keep weddingtalk to a minimum! Esp for the other BMs, my advice is to try and be laid back about it and call on them closer to the wedding when it really counts! Except for dress selection. I had a lot of fun trying them on with my gfs. Even if your distant BMs can’t make it, do you think other gfs could?  do you think your Maid/Matron of Honor can muster up some excitement for at least 1 dress appointment? Otherwise, if they aren’t the uber planning type, don’t wedding fatigue them too soon!

Post # 9
Member
5984 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2010

@BB2013:  i dont think you sound selfish and I agree taht they should be asking you if you need anything. I am a Bridesmaid or Best Man at a wedding a year from now and I ask the bride every week what she needs from me and hwo planning is going (we live 300 miles apart). so I think your girls should be doing that too. but everyone is different. my  BMs did almost nothing for my wedding…seriously…

Post # 10
Member
3569 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I think setting expectations is a good idea, then you gauge what your bridesmaid woul dbe willing or not willing to do.

I do think you are jumping the gun how do you know this far out that they aren’t planning a shower or a bachlorette party?I also think it’s unfair ot expect them to voulenteer to do things for your wedding, they aren’t mind readers.

I think you are feeling hurt, but I assue you it’s normal. I have a few people asking every once in a while about the wedding. I just think it doesn’t get real to people until they are closer to the date. I found people who have planned weddings or are planning love talking wiht me more about it, so I use them, my fmil and mil and sil and the wedding bee. Good luck, you seem to be coming from a place of hurt rather then being overly demanding, so I think having your feelings while keeping in perspective of their thoughts and feelings will be able to show you down the road if you have a reason to worry about them. I haven’t been a wedding person in the past, probably still am not some days. So I would be bored about of my mind listening to someome talk about their wedding for a month leading up to it. I found a balence that allowed me to listen and provide emotional support to my friends, but also sometimes had to tactfully ask them to change the subject for the sake of my sanity.

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