Post # 31
catskillbride : I think the reason we’re looking at this so differently is definitely because of the way we’re looking at the fairness aspect. I was thinking more of just girls A and B and how they’re treating each other and wasn’t factoring in the other bridesmaids. I think it’s fair that each girl pays for their own dress (or each girl buys the other’s dress) in regards to fairness strictly between A and B.
I really think the biggest problem comes with how girl A handled the whole thing. She was wrong to bring this up to other people. It should have been between her and girl B and then maybe all of this debating wouldn’t be taking place.
Post # 32
Interesting question! It sounds to me like A is being very petty, and her offer to pay for dresses does not come from the goodness of her heart, but has strings attached. Everyone’s wedding budget is different, and you shouldn’t hold that against your friends. This is why it’s best not to compare your wedding choices to your friends’.
Post # 33
valencia247 : i agree that is comes down to how you cash out “fairness”. the issue with thinking of fairness in the way you’re suggesting is that weddings shouldn’t be tit-for-tat. is A also going to make sure that B buys her the exact same value of gifts? is A going to make sure that B hosts her as a guest to the exact same level that A is hosting B at her wedding? is A going to make sure that if she’s in any of the other BMs weddings in the future that they pay for her dress, since she paid for theirs? it gets to be ridiculous. as a bride (host), you make choices about your wedding and how to spend your money. A didn’t have to choose to buy the Bridesmaid or Best Man dresses, but that’s a choice she made. she cannot now create a standard and expect everyone else to do the exact same for her in order to be “fair”.
Post # 34
valencia247 : I guess I don’t see how you can really look at it in a vacuum of JUST A and B.
If I go over to my friend’s house, and he makes me a sandwich for dinner, that’s totally fine. And if he comes to mine, and I make him a sandwich, that’s cool too.
But let’s say my friend has a small dinner party of simple sandwiches, and I attend. And then, a few weeks later I invite a group over to mine, and announce that I’ll be serving Kobe beef and lobster – for everyone except my friend, for whom I’ll be making a simple sandwich, as that’s what he served me before. Then I’m an asshole.
Post # 35
hermionepadme : Is B embarrassed because it makes her look cheap? Like she’s the “bad bride” for not paying for the dresses? Or is she embarrassed for being singled out? If it’s the former then she shouldn’t be. Everyone is different. If it’s the latter, I kind of understand.
Having said that though, I wouldn’t rock the boat if I were in her position. I can’t expect a free dress in someone else’s wedding when I’m expecting that person to cough up the cash when she’s in mine. We’re paying for all of our bridal party attire however if we weren’t and I were in B’s situation, I’d completely understand and pay for my own damn dress. This is a non-issue.
I personally feel A is justified and B is kind of being a brat.
Post # 36
Well I think catskillbride : has it in a nutshell.
Since the exectation here is to purchase your own dress, A ..is the one deviating from the standard by offering to buy the gowns for her maids. In doing so, she’s saying to them, “I’m going to give a generous gift to all my bridesmaids except for B.” Why? If the answer is “because B isn’t giving me the same gift in return,” well, the fault for that is on A, not B, as A is the one deviating from the norm.
So if I were in your position OP and forced to give advice, I’d pass on those words – perhaps rephrased a bit to suit the women concerned.
Keep us posted !
Post # 37
hermionepadme : Personally I wouldn’t get involved. However. I think it’s petty for your friend to pay for everyone but her. It’s usual for the Bridesmaid or Best Man to pay for their own dress within reason. It’s really nice that she has the budget to pay for them all, but most people don’t have the budget for that such is possibly why the other bride isn’t paying. Plus how much the dresses cost are they comparable in price? Does one wedding have mute costs associated with it?
I mean we could go on and on and make an excel sheet but a friendship shouldn’t have a ledger and it’s not tit for tat.
Post # 38
catskillbride : I think my problem is that I’m a pretty tit-for-tat person just in general. Maybe that’s not a good thing, but I think for me it’s more like I treat people how they treat me. For example, one of my friends gives me $200 for my bday every year. When her bday rolls around, I give her the same or get her a gift that equals that amount. Another friend gives me $20. Am I going to then spend $200 on the friend that got me $20? No. Do I think of her as less of a friend because of it? Absolutely not. It’s more of just a guideline I use because I would also hate to cheap out on my friend who spent $200 on me by only giving her $20.
Yes, bride A originally decided to pay for all of the bridesmaids dresses, but she is allowed to change her mind. She saw that bride B wasn’t going to do the same and probably thought “well why should I buy you yours if you’re not buying me mine?” Which I think is an acceptable train of thought. I realize not everyone will agree with me (or bride A) on this, and that’s ok. Everyone has different opinions on the subject and I do think it’s pretty interesting to see how different people would handle the situation.
Sephiroth : I probably should have looked at is as more of an overall thing instead of just something between A and B. But I still think it’s fair, because they’re both doing the exact same thing. They’re both paying for their own dress. Maybe some people don’t see that as fair, but I don’t think the reverse would be fair either. Maybe “fair” isn’t the right word here. Maybe “acceptable” would be a better word? Idk. And I see your point about the dinner party, but I do think most people (that I know anyway) are usually pretty tit for tat when it comes to general everyday things, like in my gift giving example above. Even when we’re not talking gifts, if I’m at work and someone’s always offering to share their food or whatever with me, I’m going to offer the same thing back. If there’s someone who never shares their things, I’m not going to go up to them and offer my stuff either.