(Closed) Bridesmaids etiquette help!!!!

posted 3 months ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 91
251 posts
Helper bee

I may be in the minority but I don’t think you’re asking for too much. It’s not like you want them all to be size 2’s for the wedding and dye their hair blonde and teeth bleached. You ordered 6 different style of shoes so they can choose which one they like in two different sizes. It may be a little overboard  but it doesn’t make their life harder. I think, if by chance, all SIX styles of shoe are all uncomfortable for them, you would probably let them choose a neutral shoe of their own. But I don’t think that’ll be the case with all of them. And like you said, after the photos they can change their shoes if they want to. 

Ive never been a bridesmaid but from my understanding it’s not outrageous to expect to pay a little. All the people I’ve known who have been bridesmaids have paid for their dress  , I haven’t known any bride who paid everything for the bridesmaids. That’s just my experience. The makeup and hair though, the brides did pay for. 

Post # 92
30 posts
  • Wedding: October 2017

jessie0317: You are being SO CRAZY and overly controling.

First of all your wedding isn’t until next MAY. Why are you worrying about hair, makeup and shoes now? You shouldn’t even be thinking about that stuff till a couple months before the wedding.

Bottom line- anything you want to control, you should pay for. Honestly you should have just given them some dress options and let them choose. But if you want to tell them how to do their hair, you pay for it. If you want to tell them how to do their makeup, you pay for it. And if you want to tell them what shoes to wear, you pay for them! If you are asking them to pay for anything, they should be able to choose on their own. I asked my girls to choose a long navy dress from a few options, and they are all very happy with their choices. I want them all to wear their hair up, so I am paying for it.

And sorry for being so blunt, but your “boho rustic look” is probably going to look outdated in a few years anyway, so you probably shouldnt overthink it. Dont ruin your friendships over some silly bridesmaid outfits. 

Yes, its your wedding and it should look how you want it to. But you need to put things in perspective. 


Post # 95
251 posts
Helper bee

jessie0317 :  glad everything is coming together! You’re a planner and detail oriented and I don’t see a problem with that! 

Post # 96
55 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

I’d be ok with the dress, but not the rest. Most of mine wanted curled hair (all but one) so I suggested curled to the other one who has said she’ll try it out, but I’ve said to her to straighten if she’s more comfortable. Make up- it’s fine to suggest a general look (natural for example) but beyond that, it’s their choice especially if they’re paying. 


We gave our BMs the choice to pay for their hair and make up to be done how they want (sticking to natural ish make up) or to DIY and we’ve got a range of different decisions. 


Ditto this with the shoes. If you want them the same then you buy them. 

Post # 98
8759 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

jessie0317 :  You asked as an etiquette question, so that’s the way I’ll reply. 

You get some discretion over the dress and only the dress after consulting your friends re: budget and style. 

The resulting budget is unrelated to the fact that it is inappropriate to dictate anything related to accessories, personal grooming or shoes. As far as the latter, the most that is considered reasonable is requesting a common color that many women already own or would wear again. 

You cannot properly dictate heel height. 

You cannot properly dictate that hairstyle must be casual, whatever that means to you. If someone wants to wear a sleek updo, you have no right to tell them they can’t. 

You cannot properly dictate that they wear a particular hair accessory. 

You cannot dictate neutral makeup, whatever that means to you. 

You can always offer to pay, but contrary to what some believe that still does not give you the right to dictate these things. 

All of the above is consistent with treating your BMs as props not people. Your BMs are adults who should be expected to dress and groom themselves appropriately for the occasion. 

Post # 100
403 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

This is still going on?

One thing to consider is that maybe people in real life agree with you because if not, it goes on forever.

Have some wine.☺️ Maybe a rebellious bridesmaid will show up unshaved, just because. 

Post # 101
8759 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

jessie0317 :  Well, you wanted to know. You can do what you want, but the etiquette isn’t on your side. Just keep in mind, a bride’s attitude about these things has the potential to say something about her. Whether they are vocal about it or not I imagine some of your friends are rolling their eyes privately, at this AND the brides who were even more demanding. 

I’m not sure how or why your groomsmen analogy applies. You have some discretion over the dress just as the groom has some discretion over attire. In both cases you are supposed to consult as to budget. Most traditionally no one would wear a tuxedo, i.e. dinner jacket unless the affair was formal and then they would wear what they already owned, or would go out and rent or borrow. A daytime reception would call for a morning suit. So everyone coordinated because that was appropriate attire by default. 

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