Post # 1
Hi Bees…. Would love some help on how to deal with what I feel is a bride that is requiring to much of me as a bridesmaid.
I got married in September and had a good friend of mine as a bridesmaid. I am now a bridesmaid in her upcoming wedding. MY wedding was a budgetDIY. My Maid/Matron of Honor picked out fancy dresses in a nice botique, and I then found them discounted by a reputable discount online store. In a nutshell: I bent over backwards to be conscious of everyone’s varying finances from the shower to the bach party.
The girl whose wedding I am in warned me ahead of time that hers is going to be $60,000 (fine with me, It’s her $) and that I should budget for a dress a little more expensive, and a few other things. She lives 5 hours away from me and also expects me to make 3 separate trips for her varying events (she came to two of mine, and I never pressured her to do so) I am prepared to pay a little more for the dress, matching hair and mani pedi, that’s fine. Yet now I am getting emails from bridesmaids requesting that I chip in for the centerpieces, decor, and invitations for her wedding shower. The wedding shower that she picked the venue and flowers. I am also required to put together a raffle basket (?) still not sure what that’s about. I have found the exact dress for $65 cheaper on a website that we could all order from and have delivered (same dye lot) but she is intent on ordering from her specific botique, which I will have to pay an additional $20 to ship. I mentioned that I may not be able to make her bridal shower due to the expense and another wedding I must attend the next day 8 hours from her shower, and she guilt tripped me saying “remember what I did for your wedding, you have to be there.”
This is a friend I’ve had for 15 years that I love. I know she is high maintenance and always have loved her for that. I am just kind of hurt that she is expecting me to pretend I have an unlimited budget as well.
I really would love any opinions on proper etiquette, how you would handle this, etc.
Post # 3
The key here is communication. I would call her Maid/Matron of Honor (since she is orgainsing the shower) and discuss what it is you are expected to do for the shower. You may only have to put in a small amount of money towards the decorations, raffle etc. My way of thinking is that the bridesmaids pay for the shower as a gift to the bride, so putting in some money towards it should be expected. However no one should be put under stress due to money. Speak to her Maid/Matron of Honor and discuss it more and offer to put in what you can comfortably afford.
As for the Bridesmaid or Best Man dresses I dont understand why the other girls wouldn’t want to save money here. Maybe they just want the boutque experience and they may do alterations as well or even free or discounted alterations since they were purchased from their store. I would call and discuss this with the bride and find out why. Best of luck.
Post # 4
thanks bridetobe7844. i would have no problem chipping in for the shower decor as a gift, but bridesmaids are still expected to get her a gift on top of it. i think what has me most confused is that the bride is picking everything out (and planning her entire shower), and we are paying for it. (anything my maids contributed to any festivites surrounding my wedding was their choice, i didn’t ask for, or expect any of it) not to mention the other expenses. i thouroughly agree with the communication part, and plan to talk to the bride soon.
Post # 5
If you are not having input on what the center pieces and prizes are then you don’t have to contribute. A shower is paid for by the hostess, and it doesn’t sound like you are hosting in any capacity.
Each host should tailor their party to their own budget. If she hasn’t pre-discussed it with you, I would just let her know in simple terms what you are and are not able to contribute. Can you contribute time in lieu of money? There are lots of things that you can do even from afar. Could you address and send out the invites, gather the replies? Or maybe make the centre pieces yourself?
If they insist on cash I’d use the broken record technique. Keep repeating I’m sorry that won’t be possible.
Maid/Matron of Honor: So you have to kick in 100 dollars for the shower
You: I’m sorry that won’t be possible. But I would be available to do XXXXXXXXX task.
Maid/Matron of Honor: But the 100 dollars is to hire wild monkeys that can also make tolet paper wedding dresses.
You: I’m sorry that won’t be possible.
Maid/Matron of Honor: But Bride gave a kidney to a homeless person to be in your wedding, and won’t you think about the children?
You: I’m sorry that won’t be possible. I’ve told you what I am able to contribute. Please let me know if I should start on XXXXXXXXX task. Gotta go. Bye.
You don’t owe her any explanation of why you cannot contribute. You don’t have to divulge your financial constriants. If she wants to plan a party on the international space station, she can pay for it.
Post # 6
Bride should also not be planning her own shower. That is all kinds of wrong.
Also,hosting the shower IS your gift to her. If the other maids want to get her a gift as well, just tell them you have yours taken care of already and give what you like. You don’t have to go in on a group gift.
Post # 7
It sounds like you might not be able to meet the bride’s expectations. I think her expectations are way overboard, but she’s probably not going to change them. Your birde also doesn’t sound very considerate.
I’d have a very honest conversation with her about how you just don’t have the money for these things. Be blunt, be honest, but don’t get defensive. It’s just a fact. It might also result in you saying you need to step down. If I were you, that’s where I’d be leaning anyway.
If you stay in the wedding and don’t speak with her about this then you need to realize it will affect your friendship. You’ll be frustrated with her for her expectations, she’ll be frustrated because you ‘don’t care’ (quotation marks because it’s not true, but it sounds like she has her bride glasses on).
For what it’s worth, I think she’s completely wrong and she should not be picking people for what they can pay/do, but rather because she loves them.
Good luck. Keep us updated.
Post # 9
If you can not pay for some of these things that IMO is not your job to pay for, then just let her know! She can not be mad at you for being broke. Tell her you only have enough for the dress and look for the day, maybe a little extra but thats it!
No bridesmaids should be obliged to pay for the stuff the bride plans. The Bridesmaids need to come together and pay for things they choose and they plan and figure out a way to split it or asign jobs, Not the brides (as far as showers go) so she just sounds like she is being controling and crazy to plan these things and have everything payed for by the bridesmaids. you are not sponsors, you are bridesmaids.
the only thing is I see what she is saying about the dress, just incase the coloring might be a slight inch off but still.
Post # 10
No, no, no. That’s unfair. If she’s your friend then she’ll listen and understand your position. What she did / was able to do for you during your wedding, is irrelevant. Perhaps she found you those monkeys that can make toilet paper wedding dresses…….good for her, she was obvioulsy able to afford it. You didnt force her to do any of these things.
You cannot be expected to pay above and beyond what you can afford. It’s that simple. It’s seriously inconsiderate to expect otherwise. Politely say this. If you get any heat back from your honesty, then she’s not your friend. It might be her wedding, but she has to be realistic.
Post # 11
Just as an extra….my Maid/Matron of Honor is not overly flush with cash. Nor am I. I’ve told her she is expected to help me plan my bachelorette party. I’ve said noone is to pay for me, I just want them to be there. I’m buying her dress. If it’s over a certain amount, (she’s choosing one she wants in a certain colour) she pays the rest. I’m paying for her hair and make up on the day. She is making one trip to my hometown (3 hours away) to look for the dress with me and my sister. If we don’t find one, my sister and I will go to her hometown the next time. She’s helping me with all the planning and the day of stuff……she’ll run the show on the morning….she’s not paying for any of it though.
I want her to stay my friend after the event. I just want her help and for her to be there. If you friend is you true friend….she needs to get her priorities in check.
Post # 12
@PenelopeB: you are not sponsors, you are bridesmaids. <– This totally sums it up!
I think @andielovesj: has some very good points and suggestions.
Post # 13
@andielovesj: I loved your play by play!
I have a kinda, sorta similar bride. We talked about the shower and she started setting these ridiculously high expectations. We talked about it again and she kept going and brought up planning her bachelorette and how we’d do a lingerie shower there. I told her to buy her own lingerie or plan it herself because its getting out of hand. I was invited to a friend’s wedding/shower/bachelorette where they started this and I explain how tacky and overdone it felt. We live in a depressed area and its not fair to ask that of people she knows are hurting for money. She dropped it, kept going with the bridal shower at which point I told her that I had heard her requests and that I will be making the final decision since I am playing hostess with the other Maid/Matron of Honor and not to bring it up again.
Post # 14
My friends and I who are in each others weddings I feel like have reasonable expectations, but also have very open dialogue. I let them know of upcoming parties and told them they can come to what they want, but are NOT expected to get gifts each time. I told my Maid/Matron of Honor that her presence at one party would mean more to me than an another so she can choose from there.
I agree that this Bride is definitely handling hers much differently than you did. Is that to say it’s wrong? I don’t know. Perhaps with the boutique, she gets discounts if her dress is from there, y’alls dresses, the groomsmen’s tux’s, etc. If you’re not the only maid feeling that way, though, perhaps the Maid/Matron of Honor can discuss that with her. Funny thing is, with my maids I wanted to use weddingtonway, but they were more comfortable with the boutique because they could touch and try on the dresses…go figure! But I was very open to listening to their concerns and making choices based on that.
I agree with PP about telling the other maids what you’re willing to do. It sounds to me like they are being controlling, too. As far as the shower goes, she can guilt you all she wants. She shouldn’t expect you to miss or rush a wedding when she herself is going through all of that. That’s Bride on Bride crime!
I’m so sorry you’re having such a negative experience, especially after you were so consciencious of your maids.
Post # 15
Great advice and insights all! Thanks for taking the time to give me input. I just talked to her. I offered to make her invitations and mail them out, but she admitted that she is super controlling and wants them to match a certain theme/quality. I explained that it wasn’t right for her to pick out stuff and send us the bill. She said she never looked at it that way and then felt bad. She had recently been in a wedding where the maids picked out the flowers and paid for them. She apologized for putting any of us in that situation, and says she’s going to send an email to all 8 of us. She also mentioned that having me there physically means way more than me spending above my means. PHEW. crisis averted! ( I was super worried this wedding would change her into a bridezilla, but at least not yet!)
Post # 16
@andielovesj: P.s. your post had me literally laughing out loud. wild monkeys, space station?! haha