(Closed) Bridesmaids Ettiquette. Please Help

posted 7 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
413 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

The key here is communication. I would call her Maid/Matron of Honor (since she is orgainsing the shower) and discuss what it is you are expected to do for the shower. You may only have to put in a small amount of money towards the decorations, raffle etc. My way of thinking is that the bridesmaids pay for the shower as a gift to the bride, so putting in some money towards it should be expected. However no one should be put under stress due to money. Speak to her Maid/Matron of Honor and discuss it more and offer to put in what you can comfortably afford.

As for the Bridesmaid or Best Man dresses I dont understand why the other girls wouldn’t want to save money here. Maybe they just want the boutque experience and they may do alterations as well or even free or discounted alterations since they were purchased from their store. I would call and discuss this with the bride and find out why. Best of luck.

Post # 5
Member
3267 posts
Sugar bee

If you are not having input on what the center pieces and prizes are then you don’t have to contribute.  A shower is paid for by the hostess, and it doesn’t sound like you are hosting in any capacity.

Each host should tailor their party to their own budget.  If she hasn’t pre-discussed it with you, I would just let her know in simple terms what you are and are not able to contribute.  Can you contribute time in lieu of money?  There are lots of things that you can do even from afar.  Could you address and send out the invites, gather the replies?  Or maybe make the centre pieces yourself? 

If they insist on cash I’d use the broken record technique.  Keep repeating I’m sorry that won’t be possible.

 

Maid/Matron of Honor: So you have to kick in 100 dollars for the shower

You: I’m sorry that won’t be possible.  But I would be available to do XXXXXXXXX task.

Maid/Matron of Honor:  But the 100 dollars is to hire wild monkeys that can also make tolet paper wedding dresses.

You: I’m sorry that won’t be possible.

Maid/Matron of Honor:  But Bride gave a kidney to a homeless person to be in your wedding, and won’t you think about the children?

You: I’m sorry that won’t be possible.  I’ve told you what I am able to contribute.  Please let me know if I should start on XXXXXXXXX task.  Gotta go.  Bye.

 

 

You don’t owe her any explanation of why you cannot contribute.  You don’t have to divulge your financial constriants.  If she wants to plan a party on the international space station, she can pay for it. 

Post # 6
Member
3267 posts
Sugar bee

Bride should also not be planning her own shower. That is all kinds of wrong. 

Also,hosting the shower IS your gift to her.  If the other maids want to get her a gift as well, just tell them you have yours taken care of already and give what you like.  You don’t have to go in on a group gift.

Post # 7
Member
424 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

It sounds like you might not be able to meet the bride’s expectations.  I think her expectations are way overboard, but she’s probably not going to change them.  Your birde also doesn’t sound very considerate.

I’d have a very honest conversation with her about how you just don’t have the money for these things.  Be blunt, be honest, but don’t get defensive.  It’s just a fact.  It might also result in you saying you need to step down.  If I were you, that’s where I’d be leaning anyway.

If you stay in the wedding and don’t speak with her about this then you need to realize it will affect your friendship.  You’ll be frustrated with her for her expectations, she’ll be frustrated because you ‘don’t care’ (quotation marks because it’s not true, but it sounds like she has her bride glasses on).

For what it’s worth, I think she’s completely wrong and she should not be picking people for what they can pay/do, but rather because she loves them. 

 

Good luck.  Keep us updated.

Post # 8
Member
424 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

 Double Post
 

Post # 9
Member
81 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

If you can not pay for some of these things that IMO is not your job to pay for, then just let her know! She can not be mad at you for being broke. Tell her you only have enough for the dress and look for the day, maybe a little extra but thats it!

No bridesmaids should be obliged to pay for the stuff the bride plans. The Bridesmaids need to come together and pay for things they choose and they plan and figure out a way to split it or asign jobs, Not the brides (as far as showers go) so she just sounds like she is being controling and crazy to plan these things and have everything payed for by the bridesmaids. you are not sponsors, you are bridesmaids

the only thing is I see what she is saying about the dress, just incase the coloring might be a slight inch off but still.

Post # 10
Member
2699 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

No, no, no. That’s unfair. If she’s your friend then she’ll listen and understand your position. What she did / was able to do for you during your wedding, is irrelevant. Perhaps she found you those monkeys that can make toilet paper wedding dresses…….good for her, she was obvioulsy able to afford it. You didnt force her to do any of these things.

You cannot be expected to pay above and beyond what you can afford. It’s that simple. It’s seriously inconsiderate to expect otherwise. Politely say this. If you get any heat back from your honesty, then she’s not your friend. It might be her wedding, but she has to be realistic.

Post # 11
Member
2699 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Just as an extra….my Maid/Matron of Honor is not overly flush with cash. Nor am I. I’ve told her she is expected to help me plan my bachelorette party. I’ve said noone is to pay for me, I just want them to be there. I’m buying her dress. If it’s over a certain amount, (she’s choosing one she wants in a certain colour) she pays the rest. I’m paying for her hair and make up on the day. She is making one trip to my hometown (3 hours away) to look for the dress with me and my sister. If we don’t find one, my sister and I will go to her hometown the next time. She’s helping me with all the planning and the day of stuff……she’ll run the show on the morning….she’s not paying for any of it though.

I want her to stay my friend after the event. I just want her help and for her to be there. If you friend is you true friend….she needs to get her priorities in check.

Post # 12
Member
1498 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

@PenelopeB: you are not sponsors, you are bridesmaids. <– This totally sums it up!

I think @andielovesj: has some very good points and suggestions.

 

Post # 13
Member
2999 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@andielovesj: I loved your play by play!

I have a kinda, sorta similar bride. We talked about the shower and she started setting these ridiculously high expectations. We talked about it again and she kept going and brought up planning her bachelorette and how we’d do a lingerie shower there. I told her to buy her own lingerie or plan it herself because its getting out of hand. I was invited to a friend’s wedding/shower/bachelorette where they started this and I explain how tacky and overdone it felt. We live in a depressed area and its not fair to ask that of people she knows are hurting for money. She dropped it, kept going with the bridal shower at which point I told her that I had heard her requests and that I will be making the final decision since I am playing hostess with the other Maid/Matron of Honor and not to bring it up again.

Post # 14
Member
3120 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

My friends and I who are in each others weddings I feel like have reasonable expectations, but also have very open dialogue.  I let them know of upcoming parties and told them they can come to what they want, but are NOT expected to get gifts each time.  I told my Maid/Matron of Honor that her presence at one party would mean more to me than an another so she can choose from there.

I agree that this Bride is definitely handling hers much differently than you did.  Is that to say it’s wrong?  I don’t know.  Perhaps with the boutique, she gets discounts if her dress is from there, y’alls dresses, the groomsmen’s tux’s, etc.  If you’re not the only maid feeling that way, though, perhaps the Maid/Matron of Honor can discuss that with her. Funny thing is, with my maids I wanted to use weddingtonway, but they were more comfortable with the boutique because they could touch and try on the dresses…go figure!  But I was very open to listening to their concerns and making choices based on that. 

I agree with PP about telling the other maids what you’re willing to do.  It sounds to me like they are being controlling, too.  As far as the shower goes, she can guilt you all she wants.  She shouldn’t expect you to miss or rush a wedding when she herself is going through all of that.  That’s Bride on Bride crime!

I’m so sorry you’re having such a negative experience, especially after you were so consciencious of your maids. 

The topic ‘Bridesmaids Ettiquette. Please Help’ is closed to new replies.

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