(Closed) Bridesmaids – how to let friends down?? Help!

posted 5 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
676 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

you could have your other friends do readings or someting so you can involve them in the wedding without having to make them actual bridesmaids

Post # 4
Member
5479 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

When is your wedding?  I’d probably wait and not ask ANYONE to be in the wedding party at all until about 9 months before your wedding.  People change, relationships change, and weddings tend to bring out the worst in people.  By waiting a while yet, you might find that certain people step up, offer to help, or are more enthusiastic than others. 

Post # 5
Member
119 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I have the same problem. My Fiance and I have 4 attendants each, + 1 junior bridesmaid. We are very happy with that number of people involved, and who they are.

However, I have a friend who “grew up thinking” we’d be each others’ bridesmaids. That might have been true 5 years ago, but now I am getting married, our friendship has changed a lot, and she is not even in a relationship.

She has been rude to me in the past about relationships, and I do not feel comfortable having her in my wedding party. Nevertheless, I have a feeling she will be very upset that she is not. I am the 3rd of our group of 4 friends to get married, and she hasn’t been a bridesmaid for any of us. (1 had a destination wedding in Hawaii, and the other didn’t feel comfortable having her as a Bridesmaid or Best Man either). I don’t know how to let her down easy about it!

Post # 6
Member
6743 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

I agree w/ a PP about waiting a while.

You can tell the other girls over lunch that while they’re not bridesmaids, you want them to be a part of the wedding somehow – allow them to make a speech or do a reading during the ceremony and keep them posted about the wedding plans, etc.  Just tell them that you love them and want them to be a part of the wedding, but that you cannot have so many bridesmaids. 

Post # 7
Member
1685 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I also have a pretty large group of female friends, and it was difficult scaling the bridal party down.  I finally settled on 4 bridesmaids; my sister, his sister, and two former roommates.  Pretty much everyone understood my reasoning; I couldn’t have everyone involved so I limited to family and people I’ve lived with. 

My fiance did the same thing, and we joked that it was easier to upset everyone a little bit, rather than a few people a lot.

Pretty much everyone was understanding when they heard our reasoning.

This might not help you, but I wanted to give some perspective and let you know that the majority of people will be understanding πŸ™‚

Post # 8
Member
11234 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

I’m torn. Part of me wants to say just don’t bring it up at all to those you aren’t having in the wedding party, because they should get the hint.

However.

When Fiance and I asked our party, I asked his little half sister to be one of my BMs. She’s like a sister to me, and I really wanted her to be up there with me. However, FI’s stepmom assumed that, despite Fiance having several very close cousins, an older (full) brother, and a million close friends, her son/FI’s half brother would be in the party, even though he had NOT been asked. She seriously overreacted when I told her that no, he was not in the Bridal Party, and Fiance was already disappointed that he couldn’t have all of the cousins/friends up there. She still acted very hurt for the remainder of the evening, and immediately jumped on Facebook to post a very passive aggressive status update about it. While we were sitting right there.

You do not have to have someone in your Bridal Party just because you were in theirs, just like you don’t have to invite someone to your wedding who invited you to theirs. I’m not in my MOH’s Bridal Party (which is fine, even though their wedding is postponed indefinitely, I just don’t have the money to be a BM).

Post # 9
Member
50 posts
Worker bee

I know upon me getting engaged, I will have the same dilemma, so I know it’ll only be worse when the time comes. You could ensure you still want them to be a part of your big day, however you and your Fiance decided to keep your numbers small for the Bridal party, and you could still include them in the Bridesmaid or Best Man festivities (i.e.,bachelorette party, etc). One of my friends is getting married and I am not a Bridesmaid or Best Man (didn’t expect to be) however she invited me to Vegas for her bachelorette πŸ™‚

Post # 10
Member
486 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I had the same problem, too many great friends. I explained that the wedding was going to be small and simple, we all live in different places and I didn’t want to give them or myself the financial burden or expect them to take on the responsibility of coordinating parties and dress fittings from hours away. As far as your sister in law, from everything I read, you should ask her. (And I’m not an etiquette queen.) If no one else, she will be around for the rest of your life! 

Post # 11
Member
361 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I have a similar problem. I am now an only child, with a very small extended family. So, where I lack in “family”, I make up in friends. πŸ™‚ Seriously, my friends are my family. My Fiance on the other hand, only has a handful of friends… But that’s really beside the point!

Anyway, we are having 5 bridesmaids and 5 groomsmen. On each side, 4 are from our side and 1 from the other. So, I have my bestie from 2nd grade as my Matron of Honor, my bestie from college as my Maid of Honor (one from WI and the other from MN, where I live, so it works out great!), my bestie from middle school (who probably thought she was going to be the Maid of Honor), my best colleague and great friend, and then my FI’s best friend, who happens to be a girl.

I have been in at least 4 other weddings as a bridesmaid, and none of those brides are in my wedding. EXCEPT, they have children!! It works perfect, I will be having a parade of flower-girls and ring bearers. There will be 5 flower-girls, 3 ring bearers, and 2 junior bridesmaids (or Senior flower girls, I haven’t decided!). I want as many people to be a part of my wedding as I possibly can, but did not want 10 bridesmaids either! And I LOVE the idea of parade of children, because I am a teacher, and love kids. πŸ™‚

I think originally, there were slight hurt feelings, not that they said anything, or I am being paranoid.. But, you also need/want the people in your wedding that mean most to you. As we get closer to the wedding, I will probably ask one or two of them to be attendants or read in wedding…

Anyway, sorry for the book! And good luck! πŸ™‚

Post # 12
Member
2 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: July 2013

 I’m glad I’m not the only one with this problem!!

I grew up with a really close group of 9 girls. Everyone talked about having 9 bridesmaids when we were younger, but I really doubt anyone will when it comes time to make the decision. Unfortunately, I’m the first to get married! I feel like I have to break the ice- so that no one else will feel obligated to have everyone. 

I have decided on 6 bridesmaids- including my fiance’s sister… so I’m leaving 4 girls out. I’m so nervous to tell them. I still consider just having them all to make it easier, but when I imagine my perfect wedding party there are definitely not 10 girls in it. Especially because my fiance only has 3 groomsmen in mind! 

Ultimately it’s your day. You have to do what you want. If they’re your friends, they’ll understand. I chose the girls who I’m closest with, and the ones who I know will be around to help. 

Good luck all!

Post # 13
Member
33 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@odelly:  Hey, looks like we are in a a similar boat.. I invited my BFF (since I was like 10) (23 now) to be a bridesmaid. She drove 4 hours to spend the weekend with me “trying to help” plan and whatnot.. but we had a huge unspoken catfight and bitchiness going on. Basically she was acting very phony, catty, snobby and it drove me crazy (my fiance too). I don’t know how to handle this situation. Got any tips?

Post # 14
Member
119 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@thundersvine:  No, unfortnately… From what i have seen on here, the best idea is often to be direct and explain why you’d like her to step down, and understand that it might ruin the friendship. Or, you can just let her stay a Bridesmaid or Best Man and not ask her for help, making her only responsibility to show up on your wedding day in the dress you’ve asked her to wear. Maybe by then, it will blow over.

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