Post # 1
My best man was my only brother and my groomsmen were two very close friends from college. I know one of my oldest childhood friends would have loved to be a groomsmen too… but if I had asked him, I probably would’ve had to ask 1-2 other people from my childhood to also join me up there. To keep the wedding party small, I asked my childhood friend to be an Usher – which he seemed to happily accept.
My childhood friend got married the next year, and even though he had a pretty big wedding party… he didn’t ask me to be a groomsmen. I totally understood…. but he *did* ask my brother (who is my identical twin) to be a groomsman! He was equally close to both of us over the years, so it was a bit of an obvious snub.
I wasn’t hurt or upset over this – I completely realize that I made my choices, and he made his. But I felt awful when I realized how hurt he must’ve been to so obviously ask my brother to be in his wedding party and to not ask me (especially in front of all of our mutual friends). I wish I could go back in time and somehow make it all right! If I could do it again, I would ask all of my close friends from childhood to also stand by me.
This was my first experience with having a friend feel snubbed by not being asked to be in a wedding party… and then retaliating shortly after. Since then I’ve seen it happen again and again (I spend way too much time on these boards haha).
Have you ever had a friend get upset b/c you didn’t ask them to be a bridesmaid or groomsman… and then not ask you to be in their wedding party? Or vice versa – have you ever snubbed someone because they didn’t ask you to be in their wedding party?
Post # 3
I’m sorry to hear this! Maybe you should speak with him in a "man way" to make sure your relationship isn’t still hurting (I’m not sure how men talk about feelings 🙂 I can understand how you both feel.
To avoid hurt feelings at my wedding, I only had a maid of honor, my sister. It was a good choice, plus I only had to deal with her drama (and she created quite a bit 🙂
Post # 4
Aaaah…yes. I am an only child but one of my first cousins has always been like a brother to me. He used to spend weeks living with us when we were kids, due to my uncle travelling for work & my aunt spending time with her father who was dying of cancer. People to this day ask if we’re twins.
Especially when we were kids, strangers would say to my mom, Oh your son looks just like you & your daughter looks just like your husband.
Cousin got married a few years ago to a woman I was really close friends with. She had her close childhood friends as her BM’s, which I totally understood. However, 2 days before their destination wedding one Bridesmaid or Best Man said she couldn’t make it.
My mum told me this & said I think they’re gonna ask you to step in. They didn’t. They asked the wife of the best man, who the bride had never met….ummm…yeah I was a bit hurt.
They got divorced a year later…I have still remained friends with his ex-wife…and I love his current (hopefully forever) wife. But, my mum brings it up occasionally, oh you’ll have him as a groomsman right, ummmm…No. He’ll be a guest….that was a bit too painful.
@Mr. Bee – that’s icky since they asked your twin and not you. My best high-school friend got married last year & her hubby has 2 BFF’s that are twins, so he had two best men, he didn’t want to and couldn’t choose one over the other.
Post # 5
I had a similar experience. A friend of mine asked me to be her bridesmaid. I was a bit surprised, we have been friends for a long time but haven’t lived in the same city for almost 10 years and don’t see each other that often. But, she doesn’t have sisters so I thought maybe that was why. Another friend of hers was Maid/Matron of Honor, and her SIL was the other Bridesmaid or Best Man. Because of distance I wasn’t involved in the planning very much. Six months before the wedding, I got engaged too. I have two sisters so they were an obvious choice for my first two BMs. FH wanted a 3rd, so I asked my cousin who I’m very close to. Then FH wanted a 4th, we wanted even numbers so I needed someone else. My obvious choice was the friend I was going to be Bridesmaid or Best Man for in 6 months. But something stopped me asking her; she just didn’t feel like the best choice for me. The best choice ended up being my male best friend. We used to live together and although we now live in separate states, we stay in better contact and he has always been my bestie. He was SO thrilled to be asked and I was happy I’d gone with my gut feeling. The next time I saw my friend, I asked her to do a reading at our ceremony. I told her I would have liked to have her as Bridesmaid or Best Man, but you can’t have everyone, etc, but would love it for her to be involved. She seemed happy enough with this. It was probably the most awkward conversation we’ve ever had.
Then, I wasn’t invited to her hen’s. (That’s the bachelorette party, in Oz English 🙂
I think it was because of the distance, and she and the Maid/Matron of Honor had various excuses to do with wrong email addresses and phones not working. Anyway. My feelings are still hurt by this (I didn’t say anything, I think I did fine, we all had a wonderful day at the wedding) and FH thinks maybe the snub was because I didn’t ask her to be Bridesmaid or Best Man. I didn’t think she was that kind of person, and I’ll probably never find out, but it will probably change how I view our friendship now. Funnily enough, it’s made me glad I didn’t ask her to be BM! Weddings do funny things to people, that’s all I can say.
Post # 6
My Fiance and I were introduced by a mutual friend in college – a high school friend of my Fiance, and a close friend of mine throughout college. When the friend (P) got married just after college, P’s Fiance didn’t like my Fiance (boyfriend, at the time), and so P didn’t ask my Fiance to be in the wedding………until another groomsmen backed out.
Flash forward 7 years, and we’re getting married. P is still a good friend to both of us, and I thought he should be the best man. My Fiance disagrees and doesn’t want a best man. I think it’s retaliation for being left out in the "first round picks" for P’s wedding.
Well, either way, I chose P to walk down the aisle with the Maid/Matron of Honor, and carry the rings, best man or not!
Post # 7
Ack, I debated whether I should have a super small group of bridesmaids or a big one. Not having any sisters, I wasn’t sure what I could do. I could have had my roommate, close childhood friend, and FI’s sister stand up, which is probably what I would have done. But when my brother unexpectedly died, it thrwarted plans for attendants because I felt I couldn’t ask Future Sister-In-Law to stand up with my if I couldn’t have my brother stand up also. It wasn’t to snub her, the decision didn’t feel right in my heart. Instead, I asked 4 close college friends (whom i still keep in touch with and hang out with), my childhood friend, and my college roommate. My Fiance chose his best friend, two close friends, a cousin, BIL, and sister. It all works out in the end, but it’s definitely not an easy decision.
I do wonder if some of my friends only asked me to be in their wedding because they’re in mine, because I wouldn’t have been upset if they hadn’t asked me. I certainly don’t want anyone to ever feel obligated.
Post # 8
I’m so sorry that happened to you, Mr. Bee! It stinks because you have to have a cut off at some point and some people don’t realize that. I know for sure people were added to my bridal party out of guilt because we didn’t want people to be left out and it sucks because we originally wanted to keep it at 3 or 4 couples and it grew to 6. Honestly, though, there were like 2 other people I wanted, but we already had a larger party than we wanted.
For my wedding, the only person in my bridal party that is married is my sister and she kind of secretly eloped (his mom and my mom were in attendance) 2 months before my wedding. She didn’t tell me about the wedding until the week before mine (too much drama, lol!), but it kind of sucked since she had already taken her place in my bridal party as one of my MOHs. So, I wouldn’t say it was retaliation, but it was some sort of snub and it sucked. I’ve never been a Bridesmaid or Best Man, so it will be interesting to see if I get asked by friends to be in their weddings or if I somehow get snubbed because they weren’t in mine.