(Closed) Bridesmaids Selection Dilemma

posted 9 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
2640 posts
Sugar bee

Eeek, I didn’t have that issue, really.  I think the best thing is to think of the best combination where you can keep it to the number of Bms you think are manageable.  For example, if you only ask your oldest (let’s say high school) friends, how many would that be?  Or if you just have those you see most often now (college, coworkers), how many?  can you kock people out, ofr being OOT?  (Just an example of a diplomatic way to eliminate some girls, hopefully without looking like it’s a statement of your friendships.)

As for the best friend, is this someone you want to be friends with, still hang out with her?  I would say if you feel like her friendship is important to you, you should probably ask her.  I would make certain from the beginning she knows what you expect.  (Ie, you will be picking the gowns, or she will be able to give input, but if there’s an issue you have final say,)  I might also try to avoid lengthy weddings discussions and Bridesmaid or Best Man tasks with her.

Post # 4
1276 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

That’s tough.  I dont’ know if everyone would agree with what I did, but I kept the number of attendants really small:  my sis, my bro, my BFF from college, my BFF from my entire life.  there were a couple other people I wanted to include but not necessarily as attendants, so I asked them to be involved in other ways.  Readings, or just be around for the Indian event we’re having the night before.  I’m treating everyone pretty much as a member of the Bridal Party (e.g. invited to Rehearsal Dinner, put into program, getting the same type of gifts etc).  But this is what I wanted.  It was obvious who I wanted standing up with me, but then there were others that I wanted to involve in some way.

My feeling is, do what you want and don’t worry too much about hurt feelings.  Obviously don’t do anything intentionally hurtful, but have the people you want stand up for you and don’t feel obligated to have the rest.  And if you can figure out a way to involve the other people…or even just honor them with the title, then I personally think that’s fine.  I didn’t want anyone to spend a lot of time/money on my wedding, so even though they are putting together a B’ette party for me it wasn’t exactly like asking someone to be part of our day w/o standing up was some kind of way of putting upon them. 

Post # 5
699 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

Trust me, you DO NOT WANT DRAMA from your wedding party! You will have enough to think about and do and worry about that you will not want it coming from those who are supposed to be there helping you. I have delt with this and finally had to let one of my bridesmaids "go". It was a really hard situation and I would hate for anyone else to have to deal with the crap I have gone through with her (literally, everything has been wonderful but she has practiacally given me an ulcer from all her b.s.).

Tanya suggested some really good ways to make your decision more "diplomatic." Also, if you do ask your "best friend", make sure you are clear from the beginning on decisions and that no complaing, arguing or drama is allowed (obviously said in the sweetest, nicest but more sincere way!). I also agree to keep your wedding talk with her to a minimum.

Good luck in your decision!

Post # 6
3331 posts
Sugar bee

Choosing attendants can be a really complicated process. I know I was faced with a dillema about including a friend from college who sounds a lot like your "best friend".  She is all about the drama and I felt somewhat obligated to include her, as I had been a Bridesmaid or Best Man for her.  However, I decided that I really did not want to have her as a Bridesmaid or Best Man, even if she might have trouble handling the situation.  I actually never really spelled it out to her that she wasn’t a Bridesmaid or Best Man, but she got the hint early when I started talking about the other girls.  To her credit, she didn’t freak out like I anticipated she would.

I think FizicsGirl’s comment is so true.  Ultimately, you have to do what’s best for you and you can’t worry too much about hurting feelings.  That doesn’t mean you have to be rude, but you also can’t include her just because you’re worried about her reaction.  You have to do what’s best for you.  And if there’s a way to include her in another capacity in the wedding (reading, etc), then I’d say go for that.

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