Post # 1
Question: Am I being rationale in thinking that bridesmaids should make every effort to make your bridal shower?
Background: One of my bridesmaids is hosting my shower, since my Maid/Matron of Honor is my sister and etiquette says that’s a no-no. This bridesmaid has also recruited the rest of the bridesmaids to help contribute, plan, and of course come to the shower. This bridesmaid just notified me that at least 3 of the bridesmaids will not be attending. Bridesmaid #1 says she will be at a summer camp. Bridesmaid #2 says she will be at a birthday party for her cousin. Bridesmaid #3 says she wants to go to a renaissance faire that weekend, which I have confirmed is not a “once a year” type thing and she is not playing an integral part in it, she just wants to go.
Mind you, the bridesmaid/host gave them the date about 6 months in advance of the actual shower, in part so that she could make sure that everyone could make it and wouldn’t book anything else on that day. I’m ok with the maid that has a summer camp because that is something you would actually know about 6 months in advance, it’s out of town, and it she’s committed or paid for it, then I can’t ask her to skip her vacation for my shower. The other two, however, bother me. What do you think about maids skipping out on your shower for a cousin’s birthday party and a renaissance faire?
Post # 3
It’s possible that your shower doesn’t mean as much to them as it does to you.
It’s also possible that there could be all sorts of underlying reasons including the cost of a shower gift.
Post # 4
i would probably be as upset as you. in fact, because i am away on internship this year and went home for the holidays, that was the only time i could have my shower. the first date my Maid/Matron of Honor picked almost no one could make. i was so disappointed that we ended up switching it. more people came, but not everyone – well my BMs came, but one couldn’t guarantee that she should. anyway, point is, it does suck. i don’t think complaining to them will do any good. i think your options are to not say anything and try not to let it bother you too much. eventually you should be able to. Or consider changing the date and tell them it means a lot to you if they are, so if you do change the date, it would only be on the assumption that they CAN make this new date – so they would then know its really important. my guess is they aren’t married and don’t get it or think not going is a big deal. probably not personal against you.
Post # 5
@dynamic_duo: Well I do have other bridesmaids beyond these 4, so I will still have other guests. I guess I’m just pretty surprised that someone would choose to go to a birthday party of a faire, both things that happen at least once a year, in lieu of my shower when they are a bridesmaid in my wedding. I can’t change the date because the various other weekends around the time I need to have the shower are already busy with weddings, vacations, graduations, etc. The only other available date is the weekend before my wedding 😛 Besides, I don’t think I should have to change my date just so someone can go to a faire that they want to go to!
Post # 6
I agree – it sure does seem insensitive. Especially with the BMs planning the shower, it would seem weird to me that they didn’t show up.
I’d be more annoyed with the renaissance fair Bridesmaid or Best Man – really, way to make your wedding and shower feel unimportant.
The Bridesmaid or Best Man with the cousin’s birthday – depending how close they are to their cousin, I may cut them some slack, but also, couldn’t they find a way to do both (maybe attend your shower but cut out early to also make it to the birthday party?)
Like julies1949 said, maybe the shower is costing them a lot and they can’t afford to bring a gift.
Assuming these are your closest friends since they are your BMs, I would probably say something to them/try to find out if there are underlying reasons why they’re not attending.
Post # 7
@MrsTrigger: I agree with you that their choices not to go are a little insensitive, especially since they have had TONS of notice. But my Maid/Matron of Honor didnt come to my bridal shower as she would have to do some travelling, and she knew well in advance…i wasnt hurt…i mean its just a bridal shower. I was Maid/Matron of Honor in a wedding as well and i didnt go to the shower….
Post # 8
Well, I think it stinks and I would be very hurt. Sometimes excuses are valid, but the ones you were given are pretty lame. If they aren’t travelling a great distance or flying in, I don’t see why you wouldn’t expect them to be there.
Post # 9
i had BMs that didn’t come to my shower, one had planned a baby shower the same day for a her BFF that was 2 hours away! and the other was in an intensive nursing program with weekend hospital visits. i was bummed, but i understood that they would have done everything possible to be there for me, but it just didn’t work out.
i would be bummed about the two with the fair and the birthday party though as it would seem that you could work around both of those things (assuming the bday party is in the same place).
just remember that it’s not as important to them as it is to you. i had to constantly remind myself of that just because i didn’t want to put unrealistic expectations on my friends and family.
Post # 10
I think it’s a sucky thing, however if the bridesmaids aren’t married or haven’t been involved in weddings before they may not realize the importance of this to you. I would just let it go, and realize that if you did make a big deal about them coming, they may come and not really want to be there. You should want to be surrounded by people who want to help you celebrate, not those that felt guilted into coming. I have a Bridesmaid or Best Man that is skipping my shower for a family function and I am in no way upset about it, I know how important family is to her & to me it’s “just a shower”
Post # 11
I agree with you guys that I do have to remember that my shower is inevitably more important to me than it is to them, but I do not believe there are underlying reasons. The birthday party Bridesmaid or Best Man is married and has been through this process before. She has no money issues and my Bridesmaid or Best Man that is heading off the shower assured me that she has asked each girl to contribute no more than $30 to the shower. She’s local so the gas or travelling expenses would be nominal. The theme of my shower is scrapbooking so guests are bringing very small gifts–things I can use to help put together a scrapbook for my wedding and honeymoon, that’s all. The one going to a fair really can’t say she has underlying financial reasons either, since the renaissance fair she’s attending is twice as far away from her than my shower is! Plus, those fairs have admissions fees, costumes, and all the other expenses that you tend to incur when attending a fair. I honestly think it’s more of the fact that they’d rather be at a birthday party or a fair than at my bridal shower. Which is fine, but hurtful because we can all think of times where we’d MUCH rather be somewhere else, but we knew our presence was important (weddings, funerals, showers, family dinners, the list goes on…).
Post # 12
Can you reschedule to a more convenient date.
Post # 13
I think you’re right to be upset. I’m usually a big proponent of “no one cares about your wedding as much as you do”, but this is just basic bridesmaid etiquette! It’s one thing if they had a legitimate excuse (my Maid/Matron of Honor wasn’t at my shower, and I didn’t mind at all) but neither the renaissance fair or the cousin’s birthday party sounds like one…
If they’re your closest friends, why wouldn’t they want to share this moment with you? I don’t think you should try to guilt them into coming, but if it were me, I would talk to them about it one-on-one and try to understand where they’re coming from. If this is a one-time occurrence in an otherwise wonderful friendship, I’d probably move on. But I personally would not remain in a friendship where the other person repeatedly can’t be bothered to make an effort for me.
Post # 14
Family comes first, so I think your Bridesmaid or Best Man should go to her cousin’s party. I’m really close to several cousins and would think their birthday party was very important. I might be upset that one Bridesmaid or Best Man was going to a fair instead of to my shower.
Post # 15
@misskoala: By the way, the cousin is 2. Family should come first, but that concept is generally applied to health situations and life choices. I don’t think it should mean that you can skip out on something as important as a wedding event in order to attend a 2-year-old’s birthday.
Both of them already missed the dress selection date that I scheduled, one calling to say she didn’t have the gas money and the other was sick. I didn’t even blink. Now they are ducking out of the second event. At some point I’m just going to have to ask myself why they even bothered agreeing to be bridesmaids in the first place.
Post # 16
I agree that your Bridesmaids should make every effort to attend the shower, but I think the mistake was your Bridesmaid or Best Man who was hosting the shower telling them the date, instead of giving them input. I’d be put off that I was asked to contribute to the shower, but not have any say on when it would be, etc. From my experiences of being a bridesmaids, all of the BMs plan and host the shower together, not 1 just telling the others when to show up. I think that might put me off. If your bridesmaid has her cousin’s birthday party that day, I wouldn’t necessarily cancel either if I wasn’t given any input on when the shower would be. I don’t think that your Bridesmaid or Best Man who is attending the fair really has much of an excuse, though.