(Closed) Bridesmaid/sil awkwardness

posted 5 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
84 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 4 months ago by  nowai.
Post # 3
Member
462 posts
Helper bee

Yeah you’re way overreacting. 

Post # 4
Member
47459 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

View original reply
Airinalis:  You need to back off. It should be no surprise that a Future Sister-In-Law that you’re not really close to, doesn’t get all gushy about your wedding.

Post # 5
Member
7367 posts
Busy Beekeeper

She told you what it is and you are still over thinking. Let it go.

Post # 7
Member
1247 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

View original reply
Airinalis:  You should let it go. She probably accepted being a Bridesmaid or Best Man b/c you asked, but you shouldn’t be upset if she isn’t excited to be one. You’re the one that asked her when you knew you guys aren’t close. 

Post # 8
Member
553 posts
Busy bee

Well, some women (especially SILs!) instead of feeling honored to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man and appreciating that you did something nice, instead they feel annoyed, and the more you talk about wedding stuff the more annoyed they get, no matter how nice or pleasant you try to be about it.  It’s like they think they are doing you this monumental favor by agreeing to put up with you.  I’ve even heard some women comment “she thinks this is all about her”, regarding the bride, then they go on to describe a whole big nothing about this supposed bridezilla.  I bet that is the case here.  In that case, or in any case, stop being nice to her, only approach her if and when you absolutely have to.  I know exactly what you mean in that you don’t expect her life to stop, but could she not be so disinterested in everything?  You’re just trying to be nice and include her.  But from her point of view, it’s not nice. 

Post # 9
Member
2394 posts
Buzzing bee

Eek, devil’s advocate here. This would really bug me if I were you. It’s not that she’s not “gushy” or excited, but seeing and reading posts and not replying to anything for months seems a little passive agressive to me. I totally would have interpreted it the same way you are. I’m not having a wedding party (partly to avoid the drama), but I feel strongly that the only thing your BM’s need to do is show up on the day-of and be happy for you. BUT the fact that she’s active on social media and hasn’t responded (even by liking) in the last howeverlong just makes me totally suspicious.

The nail in the coffin for me was when you tried to talk to her about this and she wrote back with one-sentence answers, even though you’re obviously concerned about it. She’s not doing anything at all to dispell the impression that she’s given to you. I’ve received messages like you sent to her a time or two in my life, and I genuinely wrote paragraphs back to the person apologizing for giving them that impression, explaining I was just busy, etc. Writing back with two sentences makes me think your interpretation is right-on. :/

Sorry, but if I were you I would be sitting down with her in person, privately, and explaining that you don’t want her to feel obligated to be in your wedding and that she can totally just be a guest if she wants. She may take you up on it. If she doesn’t, then unfortunately I think you just leave her off the group messages, invite her to events and whatnot but don’t expect her to come, and just be happy that she shows up on the day of.

That is to say, I would feel the same way as you OP, but unless she voluntarily steps down, there’s not much to do now but deal. :/

Post # 10
Member
766 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
Airinalis:  she’s 20 or 21, right?  I would set my expectations for her pretty low.  She’s practically a teenager, and has probably not been in a wedding before and has no idea what goes into it.  This relationship is a marathon, not a sprint.  As long as she shows up in the right dress on the day of and puts a smile on her face, I’d call it a win.  If you freak out now about her lack of excitement, you will probably push her away.  Just give her some space.

Post # 11
Member
7997 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

This is not a big deal. All she had to do is show up on the wedding day in the dress. Doesn’t need to have input on a bridesmaid Facebook group. I think you should just leave her alone!

Post # 12
Member
7546 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

Back off. You need to let the relationship develop naturally, in its own time and own way. You’re trying to force it. At best, you’re annoying her (and stifling whatever relationship might grow over time). At worst, she thinks you’re controlling and naggy. You don’t need a committee to pick out your shoes for your wedding and facebook is not real life.

 

ETA I re-read your original post and yeaaaaahhhhh leave the poor girl alone for a while. I think your last message went off the deep end. Hopefully next time you see her, you two can have a good laugh at it but for now, leave her be.

Post # 14
Member
74 posts
Worker bee

I think you are wanting the Bees to agree with you and say what a horrible Bridesmaid or Best Man she is by not responding. I think the emails and facbeook messages and texts need to be minimized. If she’s young and not that into the whole planning thing…then it is what it is. Move on and plan with your other four BMs. Not everyone gets excited about colours, shoes and dresses.

Post # 15
Member
462 posts
Helper bee

Most of us here probably wouldn’t just “suck up the insult”, because no insult occurred. 

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