(Closed) Bridesmail dilemma – bachelorette

posted 3 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 16
Hostess
3807 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

littlestmaid:  My Future Sister-In-Law is about 10 years older than us and doesn’t really know my friends either, so I wouldn’t have been surprised if she chose not to attend the bach, but she’s coming.  I think it’s a great opportunity for you to get to know the rest of the bridal party as these women will likely be in your FSIL’s life for a while, but if you’re not comfortable, I don’t think it’s a big deal to pass.  I wouldn’t have been upset had my Future Sister-In-Law chosen not to come. 

Post # 17
Member
551 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2016 - Theater

I’m a massive introvert and nowadays appreciate it when I get purposefully excluded because people understand that I’d rather drink cyanide than attend. That’s true kindness towards me. So I understand dreading the whole ordeal. If you really really can’t bring yourself to go, have an excuse at the ready (most people don’t like the truth), don’t go, and refuse to feel guilt for it.

Post # 18
Member
626 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: City, State

Don’t go!

I just got married, and my SIL was in my bridal party as well.  She’s a little younger than me, she’s still in school, and she’s really not close with any of my friends.  She simply declined the bachelorette as she doesn’t have a job or income at the moment.  It was 100% fine with me, and in fact, I’m glad she did what she was comfortable with.  I’d rather have someone be upfront and honest and not commit to soemthing that they can’t afford or don’t want to do.

Post # 19
Member
2507 posts
Sugar bee

littlestmaid:  you don’t have to attend, and if you don’t attend, you don’t have to pay anything for it either. that said, it does seem kind of weird to be a bridesmaid and not want to go to the bachlorette. it makes me wonder WHY you are a bridesmaid, if you don’t even want to go party with the bride. i think maybe you should re-thinking accepting this position. it sounds like a burden on you, and not something you really want to do.

my sister asked her two FSILs to be BMs, and in the end she wished she hadn’t one of them didn’t want to do any of the pre-wedding activities, and it put a bit of a sour mood over the whole bridal party. it was very much a feeling of, “if you don’t want to celebrate with me, then why did you say yes to start with?” She asked the FSILs out of a sense of obligation…and learned that mistake. she wishes she had asked another one of her close friends instead.

maybe the bride is in the same boat? and she asked you becasue she felt she HAD to? if that’s the case, and you don’t want to really be a Bridesmaid or Best Man, then for her sake, step down. it will allow her to have another friend in the wedding (if she wants), and she won’t feel sourly towards you for not participating.

Post # 20
Member
431 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

A few years ago a close friend of mine got engaged almost exactly the same date as me. She went on to get married while my engagement broke apart. I was in the midst of the crappiest part of the breakup on her shower/bachelorette day. I went to the shower and not the bachelorette part. We now live quite some distance apart and she has two kids. I wish I had gone to the bachelorette as it was apparently super fun! I am so happy though I got the chance to celebrate with her.

I think in life we have to take opportunities that present themselves, and this seems like a great chance to get to know your new family. You don’t have to go the whole weekend either like PPs have suggested. I am sure though your attendance would make the bride’s day! 

Post # 22
Member
2398 posts
Buzzing bee

littlestmaid:  Honestly, if I were you I would skip it. It sounds like your SIL is trying not to exclude you (which is very nice of her), but I don’t think she would honestly expect you to go out of your way to be there. Truly. 

Post # 23
Member
994 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2018

littlestmaid:  her mom is being rude. She can’t plan a party and then expect you to pay for it. She either pays for it solo or you sign off on how much you’re willing to contribute.

I know your parents are paying for that but I would be mad about it too.

As for the bachelorette weekend… I say go, even if just for one night. If you really don’t want to you don’t have to, but this woman is going to be in your life FOREVER.

She’s about to promise the rest of her life to your brother, she’ll birth your nieces/nephews and babysit your kids when you need a night off, she’ll be your confidant for planning thanksgiving and christmas dinners… no time like the present to start building a great relationship!

Post # 24
Member
2507 posts
Sugar bee

littlestmaid:  oh, i’m not blaming you at all. and if you’ve never been in a wedding, you might not realize how pricey they can be. i’m simply saying that knowing the deal now, do you really want to be in this wedding? if you’re not excited to go to the bachlorette, do you really want to be a bridesmaid? the bachlorette is kinda the most fun part of the whole thing….and yes, i see that you’ve decided to go, but that’s different from really wanting to go.

as for the shower, that’s a sucky situation. the MOB should have discussed plans with the entire bridal party BEFORE she made such elaborate plans if she had anticipated the four of you paying for it. it’s not uncommon for the bridesmaids to share the cost of the shower; but the bridesmaids are usually intimately involved in planning the shower. planning a party and then handing over the bill to someone else is not cool – and both you and your parents have every reason to be irked by it. but it sounds like what’s done is done, and raising hell about it isn’t going to teach someone who is rude to be less so. sigh. but yeah, you never should have had such a huge unexpected bill fall into your lap.

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