posted 9 years ago in Beehive
Post # 3
275 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

Tough position!  I would just make sure she knows that you are there to help.  Maybe offer to give your opinon on things she can’t decide.  Send her a timeline sheet from Martha Stewart.com or theknot.com. Maybe that will help her get on task.  I wouldn’t think she would need to know the reception location to send save the dates.  All those details probably don’t need to be included until the invite.

GL!  hopefully she’ll kick it into gear soon!

Post # 4
1962 posts
Buzzing bee

Can you just state what your problem is with the situation?  Are you worried that she won’t get her act together in time for the wedding?  Why does this bother you so much?

Post # 5
700 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

You know what?  I think that this is a situation for which I would let things unfold as they will.  That is incredibly sweet that you are such a good friend to your BZ, but maybe she isn’t concerned about these things yet.  Maybe you could just observe her for a while, and when she starts to ask or truely seem like she’s needing some help, you are the person to do it!  

Post # 7
38 posts
  • Wedding: August 2009

1. you could express your concern about giving fair warning to guess and suggest they send save the dates asap. they don’t have to put the exact venue on the s.t.d. just the city, so people can plan for travel.

2. you should request that the bride give you a list of expectations for your role as Maid/Matron of Honor. let her know you are there to help and you understand it is stressful, but you don’t know how to best assist unless she tells you. maybe she wants your input on every detail and maybe she wants you to show up on the day and put on the dress. get that all defined so you don’t have to worry about things you have no say in anyway. you could suggest you start compiling Bridesmaid or Best Man dress ideas for her and let her know the ordering deadline to get those in time for alterations.

3. Try sending her a copy of a check list like the one from theKnot.com and some form of planner or binder to organize stuff would be a nice way to give her a gentle push.

4. and then I would back off. If she doesn’t have her act together that’s her issue and you need not stress about it. When she gets around to calling you for help, try to assist, but it sounds like she has indecisiveness that only she can work out. good luck

Post # 8
563 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

As Jennybride says, you should probably consider letting this situation unfold.  Is your friend generally flaky, or is she dragging her feet because she is unsure about the marriage?  If it is the former, you do not want to take over since if everything goes south, you will be the person people will turn to to expect you to clean up the mess.  I would answer any pesky questions with a cheery, "I really don’t know what happened.  If you want to know, you will need to ask the bride." If she is old enough to get married, then she needs to be old enough to take responsbility for her wedding planning.  If not, she needs to learn the hard way that there are consequences to her actions.  If you  (or her parents) rescue her, then she will become an immature and irresponsible wife.   

If she is dragging her feet because she is unsure about the marriage, then you should avoid discussing wedding planning with her at all costs.  Instead, make sure she knows that you are there to talk about her concerns about marrying her fiance.  Reassure her that it is better to postpone (especially before the invitations go out) than to go through with a marriage she isn’t ready for or doesn’t really believe in.

Post # 9
2640 posts
Sugar bee

Good points about sending the checklist.  Also good point from professorbee, about perhaps unsteadiness about getting married.

Tough for us to know what the bride’s angle is.  But I think I get where you’re  coming from, MOHAliBean.  Sounds like you have a disorganized bride.  If she doesn’t realize what kind of time frame she needs, the remifications could be, her guests wasting money on airlinde tickets, and members of the wedding party -including bride and groom, to be out money for this wedding that doesn’t take place.

If you are that close to her to be moh, I would hope you could at least be honest and say that you are concerned about the timeline.  Maybe she really has no clue.  You can offer up the timeline and checklist to help organize her.  You can suggest a wedding coordinator.  Be prepared for her to start asking you for more help.  So realize what your limitations are before you set out on this journey. 

If you are OK with giving her some help with vendors, maybe you can give yourself some insurance by saying something like.  "Well let’s focus on getting the vendors squared away.  Because it’s time consuming, once we get them lined up, then I’ll focus on planning the shower."  That way, you aren’t throwing money into it, until you know the wedding is all set to take place.  And perhaps that will be motivation for the bride to get moving.  Just a thought.

Post # 10
96 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: February 2009

Don’t stress too much about it. The bride herself is not stressing about her own wedding, why would you be? 

Post # 11
773 posts
Busy bee

To be fair, I didn’t have a photographer, menu, flowers, or DJ until 3ish months beforehand.  I wasn’t lazy or flaky, I just wanted to make sure I made the right choices.  It honestly sounds like your friend is the opposite of a bridezilla.  Maybe you’re overreacting a bit.  It’s not your responsibility to make sure your friend has a great wedding.  If the bride isn’t worried- why should you be?

Post # 12
5822 posts
Bee Keeper

I planned my entire Destination Wedding in 4 months.  I didn’t send Save-The-Date Cards out until 2 months before, and I just sent out my invites.  My wedding is on a holiday weekend.  So I have a couple of thoughts:

1. The bride isn’t too worried about people making it or not.  Either family will come, or they won’t.  I know my family would all come on 1 week notice, so I wasn’t worried about it.

2. You have plenty of time to book a venue up to about 2 months out, seriously.  If they’ve got the city, the venue is flexible.

3. The Save the Dates need only give the date and location, the details are for the invites.

So I wouldn’t worry about your bride.  Making smart decisions is much better than making fast ones.  I wouldn’t call her bridezilla, I think she’s just planning carefully.  Wedding details don’t have to be decided six months out.  I wouldn’t freak out until maybe like 2 months before…until then girls change their mind all the time anyway. 

Post # 13
45 posts
  • Wedding: December 1969

I think it’s really great that you’re so willing to help out with the planning, but I also think you should take a step back and follow your bride’s lead on the timeline.  

I don’t think things are in dire straits just because they haven’t set details 6 months out.  I’m planning my wedding with 6 months from engagement to wedding date, and I have friends who plan to get married in October who haven’t set a date or even a location yet! Given that Thanksgiving probably won’t be a super popular wedding weekend, I doubt that your friend will encounter too many problems with venues filling up right away.  And 100 guests isn’t a huge wedding — unless they have some super-elaborate expectations that you haven’t mentioned, I don’t see what the problem is.

I think the couple also has at least another month or two before any delays would be problematic for the guests — it’s not like the wedding is in a foreign country, and it sounds like everyone close to the couple probably already has the date mentally reserved anyway.  People don’t need to buy plane tickets or figure out their vacation schedules for at least another couple of months.

Yeah, maybe the bride is a procrastinator, but she should have to deal with it on her own terms — it’s not your job to save her from her own decisions.   

Post # 14
2000 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

I agree with JennyBryde. I got engaged in September, booked the venue in October, got cold feet about the venue in November, got cold feet about my groom in December, designed Save-The-Date Cards in Janary, finally booked a photographer and florist in February, and failed to send the Save-The-Date Cards out until mid-March (via e-mail) — all for my July 4 weekend wedding!

Basically I did all my planning starting in January (other than the initial venue booking) and now we’re one month out. This wedding is definitely a GO!

Don’t write your friend off too quickly. I understand your anxiety, but let her work on her own timetable. At the end of the day, it’s her wedding and if it doesn’t go well, that’s her responsibility, not yours.

Post # 15
700 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

One more thought…

I don’t know what type of personality your friend has, but I don’t expect my Maid/Matron of Honor to worry about any of those details.  In fact, I want to take care of that.  I thrive on planning.  My Maid/Matron of Honor does too, but she’s concerning herself with the "traditional" Maid/Matron of Honor duties, and we haven’t discussed her taking on anything else.  

Is your friend possibly under the same mindset and doesn’t know that you’d like to help more?  Maybe have a conversation with her that you’re ready to help with x, y, and z whenever she’s ready.  Maybe she doesn’t realize that you’re chomping at the bit lol.  Maybe she doesn’t even realize the details that go into planning a wedding that you’re aware of… 

Post # 16
119 posts
Blushing bee

I would just let it go. It’s not your wedding. Yes it will be stressful to have to continue going through this for another year or so. But you just have to let it go. Set aside the money for your dress, travel, gift, whatever else and just wait for the bride and groom to make their own decisions. There is nothing else you can do. You can’t, and shouldn’t, plan her wedding for her.

Also, I totally think a wedding can be planned in 6 months. One of my good friends had six months from her engagement to her wedding and she had one of the most perfect weddings I’ve ever attended.

Another good friend of mine waited until the last three months to do almost everything. They set the date and booked the venue right after getting engaged. And then they didn’t do anything for months and months, because neither she or the groom were into planning and didn’t care at all about the details.  This couple put it all off until the last second and then squared everything away in a week’s time. If you’re not the type to obsess over having the perfect flowers and the perfect favors and the ideal centerpieces, but just want to have a tasteful ceremony, good food and drinks and dancing, there really isn’t that much work that needs to be done.

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