Post # 1
I’m not sure if I’m being a Bridezilla about my Wedding Shower (the only one I’ve gone to is my sisters so I don’t know what the norm is). My mom and sister announced they are planning me a Wedding Shower so I provided them with a list of possible guests. I told them they don’t have to invite anyone on the list I just thought I’d help them out in case they don’t know who my friends are and wanted to invite some of them. They got quite upset and accused me of “taking over” the planning, which was totally not my intention. Am I wrong to be a little taken aback and their response or was I totally out of line? I don’t mind them planning the party at all but I’m not one for complete surprises so I would like to know of key details (at the very least time and place so I don’t walk into a room and have a bunch of people yell surprise at me!), but they want it a total surprise. Any thoughts or advice how to handle this situation? Thanks in advance!
Post # 2
teddserberry : Did they ask you for a lsit of guests? I don’t think it was a bridezilla-ish move, but it definitely screams being a bit of a control freak. I would have waited until asked because you didn’t know what their budget is, where they were having it, how big the room is, etc. You also are not supposed to invite anyone that’s not invited to the wedding, so just giving a list of friends is rude unless they are also receiving an invitation.
If they want to keep it a total suprise and they are generous enough to throw you a shower, then you need to step back and let them plan the details. Be grateful that they want to throw you something as you see plenty of threads of Bees sad that they’re not getting any pre-wedding celebrations.
Post # 3
I think if you’re having a small wedding or a consolidated guest list and you wanted to ensure they weren’t inviting anyone who wouldn’t ultimately be invited to the wedding, you’re right in line sending them a copy. If not, I’d have waited until I was asked.
The answer to whether or not you were out of line, as with most things, is somewhere in the middle. It’s a gray area of how much involvement brides should have because there’s no right answer, it’s all somewhere in the middle, depending on what the hosts and bride want.
Do what you’d (probably) like other people to do for your wedding: wait to give advice or help out until you’re asked.
Post # 4
redmango : Thanks for your honest opinion! I do feel badly that they took my list as an insult, but my concern was that they don’t know which of my friends I did or did not invite to the wedding so I wanted to try and help them avoid any awkward conversations if they invited guests not invited to the wedding. I did it from a caring place but I guess I overstepped! Whoops! Now to make it up to them… 🙂
Post # 5
The shower is a party in honor of you. You do not throw or plan your own parties honoring yourself. Someone offers to throw you the party. They get to choose what kind of a party they host. The only thing you get to decide is whether what they are offering is something you want and then you can either accept their offer or decline the party all together.
Now customarily someone throwing any party will at least verify that the day works for the guest of honor and sometimes will ask for assistance in the guest list. But if they want it to be a surprise party that is certainly their right to throw one. If they decide that they can only fit 10 people in the space and they want those 10 people to be your aunts and cousins then that is their right to make that the guest list they are willing to host. They are not obligated to host every single person that you want on your guest list.
So yeah. I would stay out of it unless they ask for your input. Or decline the offer of the shower all together.
Post # 6
teddserberry : I get why you wanted to give them your friend list, but give them the benefit of the doubt. I’m sure they would have asked which friends you did or did not invite. It’s not the end of the world and I don’t think it’s a case where you need to “make it up” to them, but from now on just let them do their thing.
Post # 7
OP, you’re fine.
How many times do we hear on the Bee that you don’t invite someone to the shower and not the wedding?
If you don’t give a list, you’re leaving it open to hurt feelings.
My Mom had the list of invited guests to the wedding and still went off the list for the shower, so now I have to add people I didn’t plan on inviting.
Post # 8
teddserberry : You should have waited for them to ask for the guest list. You should not take the initiative with anything else (pertaining to the bridal shower), let them approach you. The bridal shower is to your honor, let them honor you!
Editing: The bride normally provides or has input on the guest list. However, it is best to let the person hosting it ask for it! My Maid/Matron of Honor asked for a guest list and asked for input on the time that would work best.
Post # 9
Personally I think they are wrong for getting upset with you. They might be throwing it for you, but it is not about them. It’s about you. The people you want there. People that should be there because they are also invited to the wedding.
If someone plans a shower for me, I have a list of people that I want there. I will be VERY upset if they are not there. These are my “family” since I don’t have family.
You didn’t do anything wrong.
Post # 10
musicluvr325 : I understand both sides so I’m a bit conflicted. I truely meant it as help not an attempt to take over the planning, they had mentioned they were having trouble with the guest list so I provided them with one… they didn’t outright ask for it though, so I can see others point. I don’t know, I feel really bad if I offended them because I really was just trying to help
Post # 11
teddserberry : I don’t think you did anything wrong. Maybe you should’ve waited for them to ask for a guestlist but IMO they definitely SHOULD ask the bride for the guestlist.
My husband’s Best Man decided to throw us an engagement party, which was very sweet of him. However he got so excited he simply sent out group text message to all of his friends. Most of these were my husband’s friends too, but some of them were merely random acquaintances. He didn’t check with us beforehand at all and so we had several people invited to the engagement party that we had no intention of inviting to the wedding. That put us in a difficult spot and we ended up increasing our guest list by about 10 couples just to avoid being rude.
Post # 12
This may be the modern woman in me talking, but I think you have every right to say what you want considering it’s going to be YOUR wedding. That includes the shower. I mean it’s 2017. No one has any business telling you how to run your “show”, figuritively speaking.
Post # 13
i’m shocked at the answers here. It is very common practice for the bride to send the hosts a guest list. i would think it was rude if you just assumed someone was throwing your shower and sent a list, but they told you they wanted to host and presumably the planning period is approaching. everyone I know has done this. I made a spreadsheet with names and addresses to make it super easy for those hosting mine. I’m not sure why setting the guest list takes away from any surprise anyway…
Post # 14
annabananabee : “The shower is a party in honor of you. You do not throw or plan your own parties honoring yourself. Someone offers to throw you the party. They get to choose what kind of a party they host.”
I don’t get this at all? Our wedding was a party in our honour, which we paid for and threw ourselves, as do most modern couples. Are you saying that couples who pay for their own weddings shouldn’t be throwing this party in their own honour? I don’t get it.
Post # 15
People are so nasty about ettiquite – not everybody knows the ins and outs of the mostly pathetic wedding ettiquite. I think the poster doesn’t need to be called out as being rude or not knowing about ettiquite or taking over her ‘surprise’ shower. At the end of the day even if it’s a surprise or whatever she was just making sure the people she wanted there would be there