Post # 16
The default assumption is that people are not clueless and know where to find the bride to be if the shower will be larger than a small group of mutual friends. Traditionally,that’s all showers were, are, and should be anyway. Handing the host any sort of list would be presumptuous.
A surprise shower is also not uncommon and would of course have no input from the bride to be.
But there is an important distinction between a wedding reception and a shower. A wedding reception is in large part considered to be a thank you to your guests for attending the ceremony. It’s not the same thing as a shower, which is all about the bride and “showering” her with gifts.
Post # 17
Update: We had the shower (it was s surprise) and they didn’t use my list which is fine since I told them they didn’t need to. The guests were entirely made up of family friends I hadn’t seen in 10+ years and my sisters friends (including her Mother-In-Law who I’ve met twice). None of the guests at the shower are also invited to the wedding. I’m appreciative of what they did and the effort they went to but I think we just have very different ideas of what a shower should be. I’ve always been the black sheep of the family!
Post # 18
teddserberry : I hope you enjoyed and don’t ever feel guilty for your actions- you weren’t in the wrong. Hope you have a fantastic wedding.
Post # 19
Just to play devil’s advocate here, I think there might be another side to the story that we don’t know. Did you give them the list without being asked and like “here invite these people” maybe if you had asked them if you can give them a list so that everyone who is invited to the wedding is also included in the shower then it would have been a different situation.
Post # 20
honeybee16 : No, nothing like that. I said something along the lines of “I’ve put together a list of the women invited to the wedding, please don’t feel like you have to invite them though”
I’ve never seen eye to eye with my family, they don’t understand my social anxiety (being social butterflies themselves) and think I’m just putting on a show. They put on a lovely shower for me, but I was extremely uncomfortable the whole time, since I was faced with a room full of women I barely know.
Post # 21
teddserberry : I’m sorry it wasn’t the best experience bee. And maybe I’m being mean, but don’t feel obligated to invite those people to your wedding. The host(s) decided to disregard your invite list after you provided it to prevent this exact type of situation.
Post # 22
teddserberry : That’s really just saying you have no wish to dictate the guest list, but hope to avoid the faux pas of inviting people who are not also invited to the wedding. They obviously had other ideas. I would have been uncomfortable too, not because of social anxiety, but because some of these people will undoubtedly be expecting a wedding invitation.
It’s no reflection on you.