Post # 1
I am just after some advice… I have been friends with a girl for about 5 years now, she has been through alot in that time and I have been the one person who has stuck by her and helped her out. She has lost alot of friends over this period of time. We are both recently engaged (I have been with my partner 4 years and her only 1 year) she asked me to be her maid of honour and then assumed that she would be mine. I hadnt announced my bridal party yet but she was picking out dresses for herself etc I ended up deciding not to have a bridal party at all as I didnt want to upset her.
She has changed her mind multiple times about me being in her bridal party, we had an argument about a month ago and she admitted it was caused by jealosy. We got over that and things were fine. Our wedding is in Feb 2014 so I am booked in to go dress shopping next weekend this is all well and good but her wedding wasnt until November 2014 but since I told her I was dress shopping she has booked in for the weekend after me and has moved their wedding to March next year.
I get the feeling it is all competitiveness and jealousy as every time I mention something we are doing or would like to do for the wedding she always has to outdo me by coming up with a better/ more expensive idea. We are having a casual, laid back simple wedding and she is going the other way and having an over the top traditional wedding so I dont feel any competition at all – we both want different things, different budgets etc
I am over the friendship and have tried telling her that I dont like where it is going with the competition on her behalf etc and she insists that everything will change and that she is sorry but then goes and says nasty things to me to try and upset me.
How do I tell her nicely that I dont want to be her maid of honour??
Post # 3
@miss-e: Do you want to dump her as a friend? Seriously, it’s very rare that backing out of a wedding party will have any other result.
That said, you’ve got options.
Option 1: There’s the burned bridges option where you flat out say you’re done. This would be the time to get everything out that you’ve ever wanted to say to her. There’s no coming back from this. She will probably also tell everyone she knows how horrible you are and fake some tears.
Option 2: There’s the avoidance option where you ignore her so much that she tries to kick you out. This may lead to option 1 during a confrontation.
Option 3: There’s the fake-friend option where you’re so sorry but you’re so busy with your wedding you have no time for hers and omg, you know how important this is to her, you’re so sorry. This may lead to further aggravation since you’re not confronting the main issue you have with her.
Anyway, the real question is, do you still want to be friends with this girl and how much of a proverbial bloodbath do you want if you decide you’re done?
That said, stop telling her things about your wedding. It doesn’t look like it’s been working so well thus far.
Post # 4
March 2014 is a long time from now, so she has plenty of time to find someone else. But your friendship with her will be over if you back out, so be prepared for that.
Post # 5
Thanks for the help!
I forgot to add in also she wanted to come dress shopping with me, but said that she will be too hung over as she is going out the night before and asked me to change my appointment times to suit her lol so honestly, no I dont want to continue our friendship as I dont have time to play games and be fake.
I have been avoiding her, and only writing back to her texts from time to time and being pretty short with her. I have stopped telling her things about our wedding since she started acting like this.
I just feel bad as she doesnt have any friends besides her fiances mum and her friends plus one girl she works with. I know I shouldnt feel guilty after all that has been said and done. I think any way I chose to go it will end up with the same result so I just need to pick the option that will be the least messy!
Post # 6
@miss-e: It’s gonna be messy no matter what. I’m sorry.
The only difference will be if you give her a bunch of reasons to use for fodder for others to say “oh you poor thing, she really is a bitch” or if it’s all just psychological and not out there for the world to see.
Honestly, my worst “friend break up” was when it was more of a “okay we’re done.” I flat out said I didn’t trust her, she said she disagreed with why I was upset, I said I’m sorry, but I couldn’t get past it, we wished each other well, the end. No major closure moment, a lot of “oh I wish I had just said X to her” but honestly, nothing that will make college reuinions super awkward or anything that she can blab to people about for sympathy.
Post # 7
I think you are right!
We dont have any mutual friends that are close any way, and to be honest I dont really care what she has to say about me behind my back – it’s her loss, not mine!
Post # 8
@miss-e: Just wargame in your head what you’re going to say and have some plans for if she starts yelling, or crying, or whatever. It makes it easier.
Post # 9
Women can be so terrible. My former best friend of ten years (mmhmm) was supposed to get engaged December 2009 (she suspected it as he was dropping hints) to her boyfriend of seven years but never did, and a few months later my husband proposed to me. Instead of being happy for me or congratulating me, she didn’t even show up to my wedding and not once did she ever congratulate me or comment on my ring, nothing. After that, our other friend got a promise ring from her boyfriend after just a year, she flipped out.
Needless to say, we are no longer friends even though I’ve forgiven her and tried to make amends. It’s been three years.
Post # 10
I will jot down some points LittleCricket 🙂
Luxed, that is horrible! I think weddings can bring out the worst in people… I think it might be the attitude of your ex best friend may be the reason why her partner hasnt proposed!!
I just cant deal with it any more, and I want to get on with my life and not have to worry about what she is saying/doing to pull me down or try and outdo me.
I think that we are better off without these jealous people in our lives 🙂