Post # 1
Obviously I’m all for having the husband involved in the pregnancy, educated about what to expect, there to hear the heart rate whenever possible, etc. But I guess I’m a bit confused about how this actually works when it comes down to the parts of the visit that perhaps the midwife or myself wouldn’t be comfortable with him there???
I guess I’m not exactly sure what to expect on the first visit. I already went in and sat with the nurse and did all the intake…basically all the boiler plate forms that include family history, medical history, etc….it was literally just pee in a cup and answer probing questions….oh yeah, and they did the usual panel of bloodwork.
My first visit to meet the midwife is in two weeks and I’m certain she will wan tto do a pap and I suspect she would repeat some of those same probing questions. I mean the dynamic of our relationship is that we just dn’t discuss things like UTI’s, yeast infections, disharges,constipation, diarrhea… we don’t pee in front of eachother, if I have a problem I am as vague as possible that I have “lady issues” and we both appreciate a level of respective privacy and we just aren’t overshareres or TMI’ers…. and I don’t know how I’d feel having a pelvic exam in front of him!
BUT again I’d love to have him meet the midwife and listen to her advice…one of the things I want to discuss with the midwife is how to make him feel more involved during delivery…as he’s very squeemish and not even sure he can be present, but I think if she educated him on what to expect as well as guiding him on what he can do to help he would feel better about being there and being involved.
So…should maybe I skip bringiing him to the first appointment? I know there won’t be an ultrasound or doppler, as it will be too early to hear anything and my insurance only covers US in the hospital setting so we are having that done on a separate date.
Post # 3
@fresitachulita: personally I don’t understand when people drag their husband to every appt. my SO came for the 12w NT scan and then the ob appt right after. The first thing she aske was my pre preg weight and I decided that as a grown up I really don’t need him there with me. We had a big appt at 21w to look at baby’s heart and I had him come to that because I was worried. Other than an ultrasound if he wants, no more appts for him.
Short answer: I wouldn’t have him come to the first one. the appts are routine & generally short. Unless you have an issue or serious concerns I would stick to having him at ultrasounds.
Post # 4
@mamadingdong: Thanks yeah, I never understood either…but when I look up other threads it seems the majority of people bring their to all of them and it’s like wow…I mean, I really think he wouldn’t be heartbroken unless he missed an ulstrasound. We will have one in about 2 weeks and then another at 20 weeks…but really that’s it, unless things get dicey.
Post # 5
My husband came to the first appointment where we heard the heartbeat. The nurse didn’t ask any super probing questions during the initial talking part of the appointment since I had already answered them at my first appointment. She first had us listen to the heartbeat together then left a gown on the table and told me to change and told Darling Husband he can stay if he wants or he can go to the waiting room if he would be more comfortable. He ended up staying in the room while she did a pelvic exam and a breast exam. She didn’t do a PAP because of my age and when I had my last one, but had to do BV and Yeast cultures because of my history with them. We discussed my BV and Yeast history, but Darling Husband knows all about it. Darling Husband and I are very open about everything. That’s just the way we are.
I would say you should definitely bring him to hear the heartbeat. He can wait in the waiting room and just come into the room for that part.
Post # 6
@fresitachulita: my husband comes to every appointment because he wants to. I have told him he only has to go to big ones but he looked so offended when I said that and told me he wants to go so that’s fine by me. He came to first appointment of course and I had an u/s and pap And all the general check up stuff. I’m sure I could have asked him to leave but neither of us were uncomfortable with him being in there for all of it. So whatever you two are comfortable with is what’s best!
Post # 7
If he wants to come to meet the midwife (which I do think is a valid reason for bringing him so he can have a chance to ask questions) and to hear the heartbeat I think then he should go.
Then you simply ask him to step outside for any part of the exam you dont want him there for. I had to have a transvaginal U/S beacuse of baby’s positioning so I asked hiim to leave.
As a high risk patient I have had lots of U/S and extra appts and Darling Husband has only come to a few and stepped out at anything other than the fun stuff
- second meeting with the OB to hear heartbeat
- First dating U/S
- Genetic counselor and high risk team first apt
- I think there was another he came to that included a growth U/S (which for me I get all the time so its not so uncommon) because he wanted to see the baby older
- hell come to one more before I deliver likely, but not sure.
Post # 8
@fresitachulita: Eh, I brought my husband to my first midwife appt. I’m not sure what your midwife has planned but my first appt was more general discussion about pregnancy symptoms, plans for birthing, the options I’d have over the term of her care, giving me scripts for blood tests, organising my first ultra sound, etc. Nothing gory at all. My midwife has never done a pap or a cervical check. Now that I’m further along there’s measurements, doppler, blood pressure and the ordering of various tests as required but it’s not overly gynecological in nature at all.
My midwife group insisted that it was important to have your partner with you at all the appointments if they were able.
Post # 9
I would call your midwife and ask them what to expect in the first appointment. Then you can make an informed decision.
My first appointment, Darling Husband came with me. They did a pap but told him to stay in the waiting room for it. When it was time for the ultrasound, they brought him back. I brought my mom (no DH) to my 2nd appointment where they also did an ultrasound and that was a very special bonding moment for us. My Darling Husband came to our NT scan, and that was the last appointment he’s been to. I didn’t have him come to the Anatomy scan because we’re team green and weren’t finding out the gender, but now I kinda wish he was there because it was very cool to see all of the developed body parts and I think he would have liked it.
All of my other appointments are literally 5 minutes long. They consist of: pee in a cup, have my weight and blood pressure taken, Dr takes fundal height measurements and listens to heartbeat, and that’s it.
No reason for Darling Husband to miss work and drive 45 minutes out of his way for any of that.
But I guess to each his own….
PS – Your first few ultrasounds might be transvaginal, so if you are weird about getting a pelvic around him, it might be awkward to have the Dr shove a wand up your vadge with him in the room as well. Just food for thought!
Post # 10
@canadablue: interesting- all the appts??? Granted I go biweekly bc I am high risk. Most of my appts are “how is everything? Listen to heart beat, pee in cup, discuss appts I’ve had with other specialists and then see you in 2 weeks.” I can’t imagine having my SO take a half day for that! I’m also a super independent person- so I am very accustomed to doing things on my own. Not a criticism! Just surprised they actively encourage it!
Post # 11
Darling Husband has been to all of the appointments so far, except he’s missing the next one because he has to work. I like having him there with me. He makes me feel calm and asks the doctor questions I sometimes forget about. He’s an EMT, so he’s much more used to the medical setting than I am. We’re also very open with each other, so having him in the room during a pap wasn’t weird to me. I think it just depends on the couple and what they’re comfortable with.
Post # 12
- Wedding: March 2012 - Father's Vineyard Church/ A Touch of Class Banquet Center
If there is not going to be a doppler or an ultrasound (you can call ahead to confirm), then probably not. I did not call ahead and poor hubby had to sit through an appointment full of talking about the do’s and don’ts of pregnancy and basically just sat there. I didn’t bring him to another appointment until my 18 week one, when I knew there would be an ultrasound and we would find out the gender of the baby. He is also going to go to the 34 week appointment with me since there is a growth scan, and 36 weeks when I have my final growth scan and we will talk about delivery. Other than that, I just take myself 🙂
Post # 13
@fresitachulita: I had my boyfriend (who is going to be my husband) come with me to the gyno and he was there for the whole thing. I wasnt asked embarassing questions but he was there for the pap. Surprisingly, it made us closer, was no big deal. If hes your husband and hes gonna be there for the delivery, might as well start somewhere.
Post # 14
My husband has come to all my appointments but basically for two reasons
– my first doctor didnt speak english, and my spanish is shaky (i live in mexico) so i needed to make sure i wouldnt miss any vital info. the new one now does speak english but my husband likes to come
– here they do an ultrasound every single month, and he doesnt want to miss seeing the progression of ‘frijolito’. it helps him feel involved
hes even come to the lab with me for blood tests as im a bit pathetic and they creep me out haha. i havent had a pap smear or vaginal ultrasound, i might not want him there for those 🙂
in your situation i probably wouldnt bring him though
Post # 15
@fresitachulita: YES!! in my experience the examinations usually happen in a different room, so he doesnt’ have to join you for that part. The more involved he can be in learning, making decisions and being a part of it, the better! my partner has come to every visit except one and it’s been great
Post # 16
- Wedding: September 2008 - A tiny town just outside of Glacier National Park
There’s no reason you have to bring him if you feel uncomfortable. That being said, he might really want to be there despite the subject matter. I would start preparing yourself to be more vulnerable with him about these touchy subjects, as pregnancy — and especially childbirth!! — is a messy and sensitive time. You’ll also be preparing yourself well to communicate openly abour post-pregnancy issues, both regarding yourself, and the baby. It’s a good time to train in sharing more and being less squeamish together! You’re going to come face to face with a lot of “icky” things, and having an openness and sense of humor about them will serve you both well as spouses and parents.