(Closed) Bringing Up Ring Preference (and asking my dad for my mom's ring?)

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
2419 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I would talk to your dad first to make sure he is ok with that stone going in a different setting. Then, I would talk to your SO. You are going to be wearing this ring for the rest of your life and it is obviously very important for you to incorporate your mom’s ring into yours. Don’t get shy. Just talk to him.

Post # 4
Member
9955 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Definitely your Dad first.

” Mr X and I have been dating for awhile, and although we have no definite plans for the future as of yet, it has been on my mind what Mom said to me about having her jewellery.  I’d love to one day incorporate her beloved E-Ring / W-Band (whatever) into a meaningful E-Ring / W-Band (whatever) for myself.  In that way, I can feel that I can be close to her, and have her be part of that important time in my life… when she sadly cannot be here to share in it with YOU (Dad here) and ME “

This lays down the groundwork for a conversation with your Dad.  Telling him about the chat you had with your Mom while she was living, and how you envision making HER part of this important event in your life (be that with Mr X or some other person you marry in the future)

Aftet that chat, and getting your Dad’s POV

Then it is certainly understandable to have the next chat with your Boyfriend or Best Friend.  And just casually drop it into the convo…

“IF we get to the point in time where we are ring shopping… I’ve been thinking that it would mean the world to me if we could use the E-Ring / W-Band (whatever) that My Mother left to me.  I feel this would tie together the past and the future, and let me hold her close at such an important time in my life, that she sadly won’t be here to share.  I have spoken with Dad, and he knows Mom’s wishes, and he is OK with it… so IF the time should come, you can contact him for the ring(s)”

The latter part… IF you expect your Proposal to be a full-on Surprise (should also have that talk of your vision with your Boyfriend or Best Friend at some point, because lots of Brides-2-B say they were somewhat disappointed in how their Proposals went down… either not a Surprise, or too much fan-fare etc).

OR, if you are ok with knowing beforehand, then when you have that talk with your Boyfriend or Best Friend about Proposals, you can also let him know, that you’d like the two of you to work out the NEW Ring(s) Design, and you want input into that process… so the Proposal can come BEFORE the Ring… or AFTER it is made.

Again, these are things you should think about in regards to your preferences, and make your needs known.

Hope this helps,

PS… I honestly get the SHY part.  BUT at the same time, being part of a marriage means being able to communicate your feelings, needs etc.  BOTH to your Hubby as well as to those around you (sometimes I call that working as a United Front).  So both of these convos are opportunities where you can work thru some of that / good practice.  Your Dad needs to know you are now a grown woman, and your Hubby-2-B needs to know you have your own Life Plan*

*LIFE PLAN – Lots of chat about that here on WBee particularly on the WAITING BOARDS (generally speaking pressuring a guy, or holding out Ultimatiums isn’t cool…. BUT acknowledging a Life Plan and expressing your vision shows you are mature and in control of your own Destiny… not about to leave it totally “up to chance”.  Confident Women KNOW what they want)

 

Post # 7
Member
546 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

My brother gave SIL my Mom-moms engagement ring diamond and had reset. He spoke with my Pop-pop first out of respect even though he had received the ring when she passed away. I am in the process of having a diamond heart pendant reset to my wedding band. I too spoke with my Pop-Pop before doing this even though the necklace is mine. I just think it goes a long way with the other person. Shows respect for their feeelings and their personal connection to the item.

Post # 10
Member
1404 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

@MadameX:  Yay for having two rings to play with. Maybe suggest that you take a look at them both and work together with your SO to create a new ring using elements of your mother’s and his great aunt’s rings. Hopefully you can come up with something that you love with what you have to work with.

Post # 11
Member
546 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

@MadameX:  I can see being upset if he only wanted to hold onto it for materialistic reasons instead of sentimental.  My brother and I were lucky my Pop-Pop was very easy and loved that we were finding a way to incorporate Mom-Mom into our special day. 

I think it is okay to ask to see Great Aunt’s set.  If you have options I think you should persue them all and one might be much more your style than the other.  Also it is a nice back up if things don’t go the way you want with your dad (which I really hope isn’t the case).

 

Post # 12
Member
9955 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

It is NOT RUDE to express to your Fiance what you’d like / or like to do in this situation… afterall it IS YOU who will be wearing this ring 24/7×365 the rest of your life.

IT IS RUDE though if you are whiney and demanding about it… or unappreciative of anything that he does give you (BUT seeing as we aren’t that far down the road yet, it is perfectly fine to expess an opinion on what kind of rings you do like for when the time comes)

If you HONESTLY want to wear your Mom’s Rings… then let him know that.  IF you are open to other possibilities… let him know that.  IF you are undecided in this matter… “well I’d have to see it first”… let him know that.  OR if you just want to be OPEN to many options (including designing your own ring, or purchasing something entirely different)… let him know that.

By The Way, most men, don’t have a clue about jewellery (and they’ll admit it).  They have no idea for instance that Engagement Rings come in soooo many shapes, sizes, settings & styles… OR that Diamonds come in various cuts (Shape), or that there are a multitude of “Cs” to take into consideration… (such as Carat Size – Cut… both Shape & Quality – Clarity – and Colour… LET ALONE… Conflict Free – Certification – and the big one COST)

And that ALL of this comes into play when choosing an E-Ring that is right for their gal, PLUS the fact, that not all rings suit all ladies hands or lifestyles.  It is afterall also something you wear… so just like not every shoe made is gonna fit, be comfortable, be flattering, or work for all of us… so it is with E-Rings.

You need to therefore let him know, that IF you guys are looking at a variety of options (just Mom’s ring – just Auntie’s Ring – a “designed” ring made up of both – OR anything else)… that it would be best if you did this together, to ensure that you BOTH are happy and the ring in the end truly represents something that you BOTH are comfortable with

Hope this helps,

 

Post # 14
Member
228 posts
Helper bee

I think it’s most natural for you to want to use your mom’s set, so you can just frame it like, if this heirloom is balls to the wall gorgeous, you’ll use that. But otherwise, you’ll use your mon’s stones. If you like the heirloom, you can always use your Mom’s gold for your band. My mOm ahead her Mom’s set melted and cast into a new RHR, so that’s also an option. Even if you use your mom’s stones and get them reset, you already have the metal and stones shey our bf will be saving a lot of money over what most people have to spend. 

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