Post # 1
sometimes ill have casual conversations with my Fiance, we could be talking about something we seen on the news and he’ll randomly mention how his ex used to do so and so… and ill just give him the eye roll and change subjects.
we went to a bar recently and i was going to tip the waitress a fair amount, even though she wasnt around much, which soon turned into a ‘thats too much, she didnt do anything to get that amount’ lecture – which followed with a anecdotal story about one of his exes and how he tipped a waitress 20 bux when they were at a steakhouse once because she went above and beyond to make sure he was getting good service.
he talked about how his ex got jealous because she thought that tip amount was his way of showing he liked the waitress? or was flirting? i guess the moral of his story was dont tip much unless they deserve it.
the whole time im staring at him like are you kidding me with this story right now? and how are you going to tell me HOW to tip? if im the one treating, why do you care.
the stories get to be a bit much, makes me uncomfortable really, i know he had a past before me but i dont want to know every stupid story he has from it. hes been doing this for Years now, i’ve mentioned it to him before but it seems to go in one ear and out the other.
so after we left the bar i said to myself you know what, if you cant beat’em join em’
during the car ride back to his house i had a few ex stories of my own, he totally started squirming in his seat and got defensive, even personally attacking my ex as if he knows him. hopefully this’ll teach him next time to keep his stories to himself!
Post # 3
@txbella: Have you talked to him and told him that you dont like it and asked him to stop? My Fi says he hates it when I get mad him for doing something but i dont tell him what he is doing.
Post # 4
Fiance and I do this at times. It’s not because we’re necessarily reminscing though. Just bringing up the fact that we’ve been through something particular or whatever the situation may be. I suggest you talk to him though if it truly upsets you. I’m sure he’s speaking of these things without even realizing it.
Post # 5
I suggest you tell bluntly (and politely) tell him “I don’t want to hear anecdotal stories about your ex. They make me uncomfortable. I am requesting that you stop.” Of course something might slip in every now and then, but you say he has been doing it for years, so he probably thinks there is nothing wrong with it.
Maybe your fighting fire with fire will work. I have tried that in the past. It didn’t work for me, because it was unnatural for me and I didn’t do it so well. Maybe it will work for you.
Post # 6
- Wedding: June 2012 - Pippin Hill Farm & Vineyards
It might be best to stop the games and just tell him that you don’t like it when he talks about ex-girlfriends.
When we were taking our pre-marital quiz thing, one of the questions was about our FI’s most annoying habit. Mr. Mink told me one thing and I haven’t done it since. I told him one thing and he hasn’t done it since. 🙂
Post # 7
Wow, that would make me so uncomfortable. I don’t want to know anything about my partners past flings. I would have lost it and yelled at him to shut up about her, but that’s just me.
So does he manage to slip her into the conversation all the time? Cos that does sound a bit weird…
Post # 8
I find that a little weird as well. I mean if it happens here and there then okay it shouldnt be THAT big of a deal…but then again it also depends on the contex of WHY hes bringing up an ex. If he is doing it ALL the time then I think there is a problem. I know it would effect my realtionship a lot if my SO did that, Sorry dear…I hope things work out for you.
Post # 9
Tell him to stop. Diplomatically, without games– just “I don’t like hearing anecdotes about you and your ex, please stop bringing them up.”
I also think it’s a little strange that he’s been doing this for years? During the first year of a relationship, sure, things remind you of things you’ve done before… but past the newness of a relationship, I feel like most people stop bringing up previous experiences with partners (unless it’s something highly unusual/unique).
Post # 10
I’ve told him before i dont like the ‘stories’ and what followed was a ‘story’ of him telling me his ex didnt care if he brought up stories, they talked about bout their flings to eachother before and we all had exes in our past’ yada yada yada.
im not one to hide my feelings on something that bothers me, actually im pretty blunt so he knows my stance on the issue, for whatever reason it doesnt register. hence why i took a last resort action of fighting fire with fire.
he’s had quite a few exes before me so when he brings up his stories sometimes its hard to tell which one hes speaking of, so i do agree it is pretty wierd to me, but seems natural to him for some odd reason.
i guess im gonna have to do a REPEAT and tell him to nix the stories again.
Post # 11
I guess I’m in the great minority here, but we talk about our past relationships (both on emotional and sexual levels). I have a really good relationship with most of my exes and he LOVES to tell the same 20 stories over and over again. Neither of us mind, if we didn’t want to be together we wouldn’t so hearing about his past only gives me insight into understanding him now
Post # 12
@txbella: I would remind him again, and keep reminding him every time he says something– maybe he doesn’t realize how often he brings up exes.
And I don’t think it’s insecure of you– like it’s fine every once in a while for him to mention an ex, but it seems like you’re more annoyed by the frequency of the comments? I’d be annoyed if my FI/friend/whoever always told stories about what they did one time with someone else… okay! stop comparing me to people! Let’s make our own fun!
Perhaps this is just how his brain works, but he can say things to himself rather than aloud.
Post # 13
@mcklough: I feel this way too.
We both talk about our pasts… I think it’s nice to know why he is the way he is today. Our past shaped our future type deal.
Post # 14
@mcklough Joining you in that same minority. My husband and I talked extensively about our past relationships (as with you, emotionally, sexually, factually, etc). We were not teenagers when we met, and had both had several short and long term relationships, and to both of us it seems to be “hiding” who we are to not share and talk about these things.
We talk about everything, nothing is off limits. It is very possible to talk about exes, or heck even current attractions, and still be respectful and loving of each other, and still be 100% committed to each other and your relationship.
The examples you mentioned don’t even seem quite as involved as the discussions my husband and I have had, they seem more like anectodal stories that come to mind (we share those too, of course). Even if he does not tell you, that does not mean he would stop remembering them and to me that would be losing out on a chance to know your SO more intimately.
But, I can only go by what you have written here. If he is bringing them up to make comparisons of you to them, or to try and raise jealousy, or something like that…that is a whole other can of worms and is not that “respectful and loving” way to do it as I mentioned earlier.
Post # 15
I have an ex who used to talk about exes to try and control me. It was really annoying when I realized he was trying to condition my behavior by making me feel like I had to compete with his exes OR like I had to make sure not to do what his ex did.
That’s why he’s an ex.
I’m not saying that’s what your SO is doing, but the reason it’s upsetting you is probably why it upset me…I don’t need to compete with an ex or learn from an ex’s mistakes. Shut up. I’m my own person and if you have a problem with me, tell me, don’t tell me a story about your ex. He may not mean to do it, but it’s ridiculous that he’s bringing up the exes this often.
Glad you’re fighting fire with fire, hopefully that will turn him around. Good luck!
Post # 16
I’m with OP on this one. My Darling Husband and I talked about our exes in the dating phase, and I feel like that was good enough to figure out where he was when I met him.
I also don’t enjoy hearing about ex stories, because he married me, not any of them. He is entitled to keep those memories; I just don’t want to hear about how someone else enjoyed my husband in the same way I do. ew.