Post # 1
I am absolutely crushed. After planning two weddings with my fiance (now ex-fiance), I was forced to cancelled the wedding planning and break things up. My fiance has a drinking problem. Ever since he got out of the army he has been dealing with alcoholism as a way to treat his PTSD. I knew this when we started dating 5 years ago, but I was hopeful that perhaps I could help chnage him, that perhaps in a a loving environemnt and with some counseling he could get better. I tried so hard for him to get help, but he just does not want to change, and alcohol means so much more to him than anything in this world. I cancelled the wedding in June, when we were supposed to be getting married in October because he was drinking behind my back and he just couldn’t control himself. I told him I would stay with him if he got helped and that we could work things out. He changed for a few months and we started planning our wedding again. It hurts so much that for the last couple of weeks he threw everything away and started drinking again. I can’t do this anymore and breaking things up is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I am so concern about him now that he will be living on his own, because I am afraid he will drink himself to death, but I can’t take this any longer, and I feel like the last 5 years of my life have been a waste. He is my best friend and it hurts so much to see him self destruct, but he does not want my help, and I guess he made up his mind and he is willing to lose me over his addiction. I will never know what he went through in Iraq, but it hurts so much to see such an intelligent, caring, loving man give his life away.
I still want him to be part of my life, but I think for now it is best if I can get as far from him as possible. I feel so lonely, I left my hometown to do graduate school and he was the only person I had and now it’s all done. I am so sad bees.
I just need to share, as I do not really have any close friends.
Post # 2
Smmg: I’m so sorry to hear that 🙁 ! It’s gotta be hard to walk away….but he’ll only change when he wants to. ::::hugs to you::::
Post # 3
Big hugs! I think what you did was hard, but the best thing you could do for both of you. Hopefully this will be a wake up call for your ex to change things for himself and look for more help with his demons.
There are plenty of support groups for loved ones touched by alcoholism and challenges such as yours… Maybe seeking one out would help you deal with stepping away.
Post # 4
I’m so sorry. Although I have never dealt with addition personally my brother was addicted and he only got help when he was ready. It takes a very strong person to walk away and know that it is for the best. I would encourage you to seek out a therapist and make sure that you continue to see him. It’s a very helpful thing. I wish you the best.
Post # 5
I am so sorry this is happeneing, dear! You will get through this!!! I had to walk away from first marriage partially due to addiction. There is nothing you can do for him. He has to want to become better before he even has a chance to recover. You have to do what is best for you. I am so glad that you did this before you got married, it would have been much worse at that point. You could eventually move back home. No matter what, you will now have a much brighter future… Lean on your family and friends even if they are far away. You can also always post here. I truly wish you the best, and things will begin looking up now that you have freed yourself.
Post # 6
You leaving and seeing how much his drinking problem is costing him may be the change he needs. If you feel would not be hurting yourself by doing so, I’d offer him friendship and support but leave it at that.
Post # 7
You did the right thing. Best of luck!
Post # 8
You are strong and wise woman to walk away from an addict who refuses to get help.
You saved yourself so much heartache. My thoughts are with you.
Post # 9
Smmg: Like other Bees have said you are a strong and smart person for knowing that you can’t change someone until they are ready to change. It means, unfortunately that it may be never. That is a reality with addiction, and it is so very sad. My husband’s brother is struggling with this and it is really difficult watching the addiction ruining a beautiful, precious life and an amazing person, but so far nothing has gotten through to him. Not losing his license, not health problems and scary situations, not his girlfriend leaving, nothing. It’s sad to think that he might never recover and terrifying to think he could die from his drinking.
It’s important to always have hope for the addict, an encourage them to get help, but also realize the reality that it might not happen. It’s not something that you shoukd be signing up for in a life partner and I’m glad you’re not marrying him, although I’m sorry you are going through this. 🙁
Post # 10
If they are available, PLEASE find an Al-Anon meeting and attend. You may have to try one or two different meetings until you find one that feels “right” for you, but they can make a huge difference in helping you to reframe and refocus.
You have been through a terrible experience, and the love you feel for this man is painful, but remember, that love is one sided. He loves the bottle.
NO ONE changes an alcoholic but the alcoholic himself, and no one, not even you who loves him so much, can “help” him until and unless he decides to help himself.
Focus all your energies on your future. The better and stronger and more empowered you feel, the sooner you’ll be able to sort things out and make some sense of what has happened.
Post # 11
Thank you bees for all of your words. I know I should have done this a long time ago, but I kept lying to myself thinking things were going to change. They never did change. I hope one day he changes and we can get back together, but for now I just have to move on.
Post # 12
- Wedding: February 2015 - Chapel on Base
I am so very sorry. Unfortunately, you did what you had to do. You obviously are smart enough to understand that the relationship isn’t healthy. You are also brave enough to take on his demons with the hope of helping him. I live in a military town. We have a Marine base and an Army base I only have an inkling as to what our troops have suffered. I hope he finds the strength to overcome his addiction. I also hope that all choices lead back to you and a sober relationship.
Post # 13
I came home today and all of his things were gone. It did not hit me until now and this is so hard to take in, but I know it is for the best. I am not sad that the wedding was cancelled or that I am no longer engaged. I am sad that I lost my best friend, and he did not do anything to prevent that from happening.