(Closed) Broken engagement

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 31
Member
85 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

Hokievettech: Have you heard of the book The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts?  Maybe you just don’t know how to love each other so the other feels loved.  I found the book to be quite insightful and plan on asking my Fiance to read it as well.  Maybe you need to postpone the wedding until you figure out if this relationship can be saved.

Post # 32
Member
258 posts
Helper bee

I feel for you. This sounds awful because you care for this man. You can see what he does for the people around you and no doubt really wished this would work. Thinking with your head when it comes to engagements won’t work however and your heart is screaming at you to listen. If I were you I would take a week or a weekend away with a friend to see how I felt with some space. Do I miss him? If not then next step I would do is speak to my parents or closest one to explain your fears and doubts. They wouldn’t want you to tie yourself to someone that doesn’t make you happy and hopefully they will have some great advice for you to help. The end of it though will be the same. He isn’t right for you no matter how much you wish he were. Perhaps let him know your feelings on the matter and soften the blow when you tell him. Better a broken engagement than a messy divorce. All the best with your decision I completely understand how you must be feeling x

Post # 34
Member
1643 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

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@Hokievettech  No that IS NOT too much to ask, and no you’re not over reacting.  It sounds like you’re making the right choice.  Good luck

Post # 35
Member
420 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2014 - Rebar

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@Hokievettech  I am sure you have heard this before but when it’s can’t eat and breath without you kind of love you will absolutely feel it in your guts and you will know. Dont feel bad about it at all…my friend said all through her 20’s she didnt want to get married and well she dated but nothing till this guy came along and now she will be married next week and she not one single doubt in her heart that it was just perfect. Be patient and you will absolutely find your person. 

Post # 36
Member
21 posts
Newbee

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@Hokievettech  I too have broken off two engagements. One I had the ring, the dress, and we were pretty much planned. The second I knew he had the ring and I ended it before he proposed. Now, I am living with someone I love, he has the ring and I am just waiting. 

My first time, it was my college boyfriend. I thought I loved him and I thought that he was “the one”. However, soon after we got engaged I started having doubts like you. I called things off and felt so bad. However, I realized it was the right thing to do. For both of us. The next time I had moved for a job he followed me to a new state. We lived together for a few months and then I realized that he was my roommate. It was exactly like you said. We were both busy and stressed and when we got home we hangout in different rooms and never spoke to each other. I realized that the fact that I was thinking about it meant I needed to do it, call things off. When I did, I immediately felt a weight lifted off my shoulders. I wanted things to work so bad. That is why I said yes. However, deep down I knew it was wrong. 

As for the ups and downs. My current, soon to be fiance, and I have ups and downs. However, there is a difference. I am in love with him and even at our worst times, I know I love him deep down and I know he is the one for me. Even when I am so mad at him I can’t even look at him and I don’t like him, I am in love with him. 

You can’t settle and in the end, everything will be okay. It is the best thing for you to do. It is going to hurt for both of you, but sooner or later you will be happy and you will be thankful you called things off. You can do it. Just remind yourself it is for the best. 

Post # 37
Member
589 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

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@Hokievettech  If you really are doubting things you are completely right to break of the engagement, in fact its the most caring thing you can do for him! Divorce is expensive and there is no sense in marrying someone unless you really cannot imagine being without them for the rest of your life. 

I know “cold feet” can be normal and of couse everyone has their moments when things aren’t 100% perfect. But it really sounds like what you are feeling is more than jitters or cold feet. You both deserve to find someone who you cannot imagine living without, when it’s right you will know! Good luck 🙂 

Post # 38
Member
1988 posts
Buzzing bee

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@Hokievettech  I am not sure I have much to contribute. But I thought maybe this provides a little perspective. So you have two broken engagements and might have a third one. Well, you could easily have two messy divorces under your belt and a third one in the works. Give yourself some credit. Whatever the reasons, your were brave enough to end things up and keep you and them (guys) from going into an even more complicated situation. 

I hope whatever you choose, it ends up being the happy path for both of you (in the end).

 

Post # 39
Member
863 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

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@Hokievettech  Congratulations for being honest and brave. I salute you. So many people marry for the wrong reasons, that it’s no wonder the divorce rate is so high. If you weren’t as level headed and strong, you could have actually been divorced twice by now. You deserve to be happy. Really, really happy. So does he. 

 

I’d  to dedicate this song to you. Your post reminds me of it…

Post # 40
Member
1341 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I don’t say this to be mean but I think you need a lot of counseling and time for self reflection. You need to figure out what is going on and what you are doing and what you need to change in your life and romantic relationships. 

Once is an accident. Twice is a coincidence. Three times is a problem.

Before you break it off with your fiance, I think you probably owe him honest conversations and a legitimate attempt to fix the relationship. Or you could leave if you really want to.

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@SherryBlossom78  The divorce rate is so high mostly because people expect an unrealistic fantasy out of marriage and relationships. There is no perfect love. Waiting for it is how you end up single at 45.

Post # 42
Member
144 posts
Blushing bee

Are you me?! Except for the previous broken engagements, I could have sworn I wrote this post when I was 26. 

My ex is/was a great guy. We dated 4 years, lived together for over 2 years. Everyone liked him. Everyone expected us to get married. Honestly, we probably could have lived a decent, if somewhat joyless, life together. I just did not feel any passion toward him. We had very little in common, and we would spend most of our nights on separate laptops, not speaking. As our relationship grew worse we fought more and more. It was awful but I couldn’t bring myself to end it because what if this was it… the best life could offer? I didn’t want to lose my only chance at some kind of happiness.

It wasn’t. I finally broke up with him, moved across the country, and went for my dream career. Everyone thought I was crazy. I did not give two shits, I was so happy for the first time in a long time. Soon after I met my current fiance and we fell in love– the kind of love I thought just wasn’t in the cards for me. When we first moved in together I worried because my experience living with someone had been so terrible, but it’s turned out to be awesome. I love living with this guy and seeing his face every day. I can’t wait to marry him. 

Break up with the dude. You are both keeping each other from finding the person that you really deserve. 

Post # 43
Member
863 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

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@ajkklub  You have the right to your opinion. I believe you are dead wrong. I wish society would drop this pressure it puts on women to fear not having a man around by some special birthday. Everyone has the right, at least in my country; to life, liberty, and the pursuit  of happiness. The OP is not happy in this relationship and wanted to leave even before the man proposed. You’d prefer she stay in this empty relationship so she doesn’t end up single and 45? How short sighted is that? Life does not end at 45 (For most). When did being miserable with a good guy trump the possibility of truly being happy? Oh, that’s right, the 50s, when we couldn’t support ourselves.  I feel like grown women still act like little girls playing little girls games. We are all sitting on the floor, in a circle, wishing desperately not to pull the old maid card from the deck, because surely that’s game over. Some of us keep that fear long into adulthood, and that’s sad. The OP said she has great friends and family around her, a great career, and somehow you feel her next big move is to permanently attach herself to this dying relationship. Why? Fear. That’s really all it is. You want her to share in your fear. 

The objective of marriage these days is to find a mate she wants to spend eternity with. She doesn’t even want to spend the evening in the room with this guy! I think you should read  the post 

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@ajkklub  wrote. I’ve run into her story MUCH more than the version you are selling. Most people divorce because they didn’t pick the right partner Or married for the wrong reasons. That fear you sell causes women to make rash decisions, for fear of what the future might not hold, totally ignoring that posibility of the right fit. So you go ahead a keep wearing that shoe that’s a half size too small, for fear the store will never order anymore size eights for your feet. Better corns, bunions, and pain, than to have no shoes at all, right? Oh wait, the shoes she came in with are pretty darn good already. 

 

Also, don’t mistake the “perfect love” to mean a princess movie. It means the love that is perfect for you. One that will bring you added happiness for many years to come. Something so good, that you are able to weather the storms and valleys that life brings, because you couldn’t imagine doing it with anyone else. Some of us here on The Bee have that. And many of us have been through many a difficult relationship and past marriages to get to where we are, so we know what “happy” looks like when we have it.

I don’t totally disagree with you, though. OP does need some reflection and soul searching, but that’s to determine why she keeps saying yes when these guys ask her. I’m totally ok with her not marrying a man that isn’t right for her, but if she knew this, she should have never said yes…again, and again, and again.

Post # 44
Member
901 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I definitely agree that there is a pattern of behaviour that is out of the norm and something to reflect upon.  I don’t think that you’re a terrible person by any means, but I do think that you allow relationships to go on longer than they should.  Are you afraid of being alone?

Perhaps you need some time as an independant single woman.  It can be lonely, but I’d rather be alone than in an unhappy relationship that was leading nowhere.

Now, I know that relationships aren’t all sunshine and rainbows, but you should be OVER THE MOON excited about getting married!  Sure, it’s natural to have some reservations about the changes to your life, but you should have certainty in the person you have chosen.

Don’t settle until you find this!

Post # 45
Member
243 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

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@Hokievettech  three called off engagements > three potential divorces. Who cares what anyone thinks, do what’s best for you and don’t look back! You will find your forever person eventually.

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