(Closed) Broken engagement

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 46
Member
302 posts
Helper bee

You’re not crazy, you’re human and honest. Though I’m not really sure what to say, especially since most PP’s have covered it. 

I’ve been with my fiancé for 6 years now. The excitement definitely wore off by year 2. By year 5 when we were living together it was all routine. There are definetly days where I want space away from him. I am not always 100% head over heels enamored with him. And I’m okay with this. I refuse to give into this pressure of feeling ‘can’t eat can’t sleep without him’ soulmate nonsense. I feel like that mentality sets up unrealistic expectations for couples, I’ve known more than one couple who divorced early because they couldnt handle the mundane day to day life of marriage, and expected it to be butterflies 24/7. We’d rather be conscious of things not always being 100%, and be honest with myself and him that there will be ups and downs. 

my apologies if you clarified this to him, but have you been completely upfront and honest to him about this? does he know how serious these second thoughts are? Maybe that would help you be more intimate with him. 

I dont want to suggest you stay in a relationship where you aren’t happy or your needs aren’t being met. But do hope you are realistic about what passion and true love are. my personal (judge free) opinion is that you are being a bit too critical of your relationship and are expecting to feel a certain way. You can’t compare your relationship to other ones or society/wedding industry standards. There’s always something that won’t measure up. 

Post # 47
Member
302 posts
Helper bee

Actually I’d like to know more about why you dislike being in the same room wih him. Is he rude and argumentative with you? Does he put you down in anyway shape or form? Is it little annoyances like the ‘way he picks his nose is so disgusting’!

Or is it just general anxiety? Do you dread spending time with him, like its a chore? Or when you are together are you just bored?

Post # 48
Member
187 posts
Blushing bee

Hi! I just wanted to add some thoughts of mine because I related to your post. I was with my ex for almost 6 years. He is hands down probably the best person I know. We cared for each other and like you, there was a time that I was head over heels for him, but I too believe it was just infatuation. As time went on I lost the desire to really spend time with him. I lacked physical attraction to him (He is a nice looking guy, but as I grew older I discovered he wasn’t my type) and I think that impacted our relationship. I loved him like I love a best friend or brother, which meant I felt like a “spark” was missing. I ignored it for a long time because I couldn’t figure out why I felt this way, I was afraid of being alone, and I didn’t want to hurt him — He was good to me. Turns out this was the wrong decision because the longer I tried to force it, the most I grew resentful toward him. The ONLY regret I have about ending things with my ex is that I didn’t do it sooner. Simply because he didn’t deserve the resentment and hostility I dished toward him all because deep down, I really did not want to be with him. Ending things with him was extremely painful on both ends but two and a half years later, we are distant friends. I also met my current SO a few months after my ex and I broke-up and we have been together for about two years. Our relationship is completely different and I have the “spark”  I always longed for. I think you are being smart about making this decision now, and like everyone else has said — Who cares what anyone else thinks! Three broken engagements > three divorces.

Post # 49
Member
2091 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I only read the 1st page of comments. After breaking things off with this man, please, take some time to heal and to reevalute your choices of men. There is a reason you keep staying in long-term relationships with men who are not what you want. They also seem to want to hold onto you for the wrong reasons. Please, do not put yourself in a situation where you do this for a 4th time. 

Love and relationships are not about perfection. You will not be problem free 100% of the time. You will annoy each other, but there should still be much more good than bad. Hopefully you will find a loving and happy relationship that you will be able to stay in for the long haul. Good luck. 

Post # 50
Member
679 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

You have to listen to your gut.  If you were seriously thinking of breaking it off with this guy before he proposed then there was obviously something going on.

However, not knowing your Fiance or any of your other past boyfriends, I don’t think (in general) a guy is going to propose unless he thinks 110% that he is going to get a “yes” answer, meaning I don’t think a guy is going to ask those magic words just to keep you from leaving.

You need to look at yourself, and I mean this in the most non-judgmental way possible.  Are you afraid of commitment?  Are you expecting your relationship to be rainbows and unicorns all the time?  I don’t mean this to sound harsh but I personally would be wary of being with someone that’s been engaged 3 times because I would always been wondering when they’re going to change their mind about me.

That said, if he REALLY isn’t the one for you then you need to let him know sooner than later.  He too deserves someone that’s not settling for him.

Post # 51
Member
1464 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

View original reply
Hokievettech:  Mrs.Bill gave you some really sound advice. I’ve been with my husband 10 years, and already I’ve experienced this pattern. “True love” does not mean you are always in love with your partner, or even always like them. My Mother-In-Law has been happily married for over 40 years and she has confirmed what everyone in a very long term relationship will tell you: there may be entire YEARS where you don’t really like your partner. People fall in and out of love in a cycle. This is normal and does not mean you should leave them, because eventually you will experience the exact same thing with a new partner. Is it possible that you simply haven’t been with anyone long enough to move past the out-of-love cycle? It sounds like you have good reasons to end the engagement, but you should carefully consider this fact of long-term relationships and make sure you’re not perpetually chasing the infatuation phase.

If you break up with him, do it because you’ll be happier alone — NOT because you think you might be happier with someone else. Not everyone finds a mate. Lots of women end up alone. 

Post # 52
Member
5890 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

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Hokievettech:  I’m going to answer you question backwards–first, why do you end up in the same situation? iI think you are suffering from 2 things–sliding vs deciding and can’t say No.

Read about Sliding Vs Deciding when it comes to relationships. It sounds like you are sliding from dating to living together and almost sliding into marriage but suddenly realizing the mistake you are about to make. And you also cant say No, when a guy suggests you move in togther-YES, get Married- YES. You now know this about yourself. So from this point on make sure every step forward is a decision, instead just sliding. I would also consider not moving in with someone until you are married (or at least until you are well into your engagement). You have to get comfortable with “hurting people’s feelings” if that means saying NO and being true to yourself.

http://slidingvsdeciding.blogspot.com 

 

As for what you should do now. I’ll leave it up to Dear Sugar who said it best…

http://therumpus.net/2011/06/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-77-the-truth-that-lives-there/

 

There was nothing wrong with my ex-husband. He wasn’t perfect, but he was pretty close. I met him a month after I turned 19 and I married him on a rash and romantic impulse a month before I turned 20. He was passionate and smart and sensitive and handsome and absolutely crazy about me. I was crazy about him too, though not absolutely.

He was my best friend; my sweet lover; my guitar-strumming, political rabble-rousing, road-tripping side-kick; the co-proprietor of our vast and eclectic music and literature collection; and daddy to our two darling cats.

But there was in me an awful thing, from almost the very beginning: a tiny clear voice that would not, not matter what I did, stop saying go.

Go, even though you love him.

Go, even though he’s kind and faithful and dear to you.

Go, even though he’s your best friend and you’re his.

Go, even though you can’t imagine your life without him.

Go, even though he adores you and your leaving will devastate him.

Go, even though your friends will be disappointed or surprised or pissed off or all three.

Go, even though you once said you would stay.

Go, even though you’re afraid of being alone.

Go, even though you’re sure no one will ever love you as well as he does.

Go, even though there is nowhere to go.

Go, even though you don’t know exactly why you can’t stay.

Go, because you want to. Because wanting to leave is enough.

Post # 54
Member
1331 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

View original reply
SherryBlossom78:  You are taking this way more personally than it is meant to be taken. I never said anyone should fear not having a man around. Being single for the rest of her life is great, if that’s what she wants. 45 is an arbitrary number in a way, but at the same time it’s not because many women want to get married and have kids. We all know that birth defects start increasing and pregnancy rates start decreasing in the 30’s and when we get to 45, if we haven’t had kids already we’re more likely than not going to have kids. This is not to say that all women should have kids or that people shouldn’t adopt or anything else you may read into it. Just that if a woman has certain goals similar to what I view for myself, that woman will likely hope to have found her life partner by 45. If someone has totally different goals that’s totally fine and there is nothing wrong with that.

Additionally, I never said she should stay in her current relationship. Did you read my post? Obviously you didn’t. I said she needs to get counseling and have some self-reflection so she can realize what is going on and why she is choosing to be with and get engaged to men she doesn’t actually want to spend the rest of her life with. That is solid advice.

It’s way more useful than saying, “Congratulations, girl! You go! Here is a song about an unrealistic ‘perfect’ love so you can feel good about yourself.” If you ask me that is useless advice. It makes someone feel good for 5 min but at the end of the day it’s not going to help their situation. Perhaps my analytical, problem-solving style is opposite to your emotional style?

Yes, the objective of marriage is to find someone you want to spend the rest of your life with…for some people. For others it’s something else.

However, the fact remains that not one person on this earth is perfect. Not one. Therefore there is no perfect love. Soul mates, I’m sorry, but they don’t exist in the way that movies and romance novels portray them. Research has shown that there are a minority of people who have the genetic capacity to have the butterfly feelings all the time, however for the majority of people that is not possible. In a normal and healthy marriage, there will be days when one member can’t stand to be in the same room as the other member. That doesn’t mean the relationship is broken. At some point almost everyone needs to work on their relationship to keep it healty and functioning and at its optimal. You cannot say otherwise. There is no perfect–ideal, flawless, utopian–love. You might not have meant perfect in that way but that’s how I and a lot of other people read the word perfect because it’s the definition. We are all imperfect people and our love is imperfect. Sometimes the imperfections come together in a great way, but it’s still not going to be perfect. If someone is waiting for that perfect love that person will be waiting for the rest of her or his life.

If you want more info, I tend to agree with this: http://psychcentral.com/lib/the-myth-of-the-perfect-marriage/00010528. We all need to be independent and happy people who come together to make an imperfect love as perfect as it can be. This does not mean that I think OP should stick with her man, but honestly it is something that I think a lot of people need to realize. This idealized love is a myth for many people who cannot accept the realities of day-in-day-out commitment and love. There are no fairy tales, hun.

Obviously the part about the perfect love was an aside from the OP’s post and addressed directly at you. However, you were personally offended and took my statements out of context.

Please don’t reflect your own past or present insecurities on me and imply things that are unreasonable. I have no fears. If I never get married and end up single I will be perfectly happy. I have spent years as a single woman and know the power that comes with being comfortable in my own skin and my own person. I have my own career. I have a great support system. My Fiance adds to my life, but, quite frankly, I don’t need him. Being myself is enough. It wasn’t until I got to that point in my life that I realized that that I was ready to really be in a long-term, loving, committed realtionship. That is why I told the OP to go on a journey of soul searching, preferably with some professional guidance along the way. I want the OP to be comfortable in her own skin. If she’s not feeling this relationship, by all means end it. I don’t have a stake in this game. However, if she’s going to end it and not go on to figure out why she made the decisions she did and change things in the way she needs to in order to come up with what she wants, then that’s useless. Like I said none of us are perfect people. Change is hard. But it is necessary.

Post # 55
Member
1409 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

View original reply
Hokievettech:  I haven’t read most of the replies, but the thing in your first post that stuck out to me was that you feel like you don’t really have anything in common. I know that part of what keeps my love for my DH strong is that we have so many similar interests, we like to do a lot of the same activities to keep things exciting, and like to watch a lot of the same shows to just hang out, relax, and cuddle.

If you want to give your relationship more of a chance, you can try to find more things to do together that you’ll both enjoy. If it works, great! But it might not work, and there’s nothing that says you HAVE to try. Even if you had already been married and divorced twice and had already married this guy, you’re not obligated to try to save the marriage. I think that when one person in a relationship doesn’t want to try to fix a rough patch, the other person deserves someone who does. That’s life.

The fact that this will be your 3rd broken engagement is not a great sign, and you need to talk to your fiance, but remember your own best interests. If you’re not already going to counseling I would try it, and if you don’t like the first person you see, try at least one more. It can be really helpful to have a trained, unbiased person help you figure out what you need.

If you move on from this guy, I would try online dating. I think it makes it easy to make sure that you’ll only fall in love with someone with similar interests and goals. Personally I used okcupid. (:

 

Whatever happens, good luck! 

Post # 56
Member
13 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2014

View original reply
sassy411:  You do realize that the feeling of feeling “crazy” for your partner feeling doesn’t last forever right!

I know this is not exactly a new post that the “op” made but your comment to the “OP” just eerk’d me real bad because, she is already feeling anxious and confused obviously about her engagement and then you go ahead and make her feel worse by your comment that you made.

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