Post # 1
My finace and I had been together since we were 17 years old and became engaged when we were 25. We are both turning 26 this year and were supposed to have gotten married on 23rd March. Instead, two months before the wedding he called everything off he said “To be honest, i just can’t get married.” In the months before our wedding he started a very big new job which was a huge achievement for someone his age. Because of this job he was rarely home and worked very late most nights and worked through the weekend as well. This did cause strain on our relationship as previously we had always spent a lot of time together and now I never saw him. We fought a lot about this. But then towards Christmas his behaviour changed drastically and he would go out drinking with some new-found friends until 3am and not contact me at all. I was left at home not knowing where we was or what was going on. This happened about twice a week for 6 weeks, and each time i screamed at him and he would promise not to do it again and say he was sorry, and then do it again. On top of this the wedding was really stressful and we had just moved into a new home which was quite far away from both our jobs.
Now, 3 months later, i have moved in with some friends and he remains by himself at our place. But now when i see him he says he loves me, and he misses me and he regrets his decision and wishes that he had just postponed the wedding. On Friday i said “I hope we end up back together one day” and he said “I hope so too.” He doesn’t want to get back together at the moment and says “it won’t be this year, it might be never either” and that he doesn’t want me to wait and he wants me to promise i will be ok without him if he doesn’t come back. He also said that he doesn’t want to get back together now because if it stuffs up again in a few months time then it is over completely. He says that he wants time to heal and that we should both go out and be with over people for a bit and see where the future takes us.
I am so confused by what he says. Is he saying i want you but not right now? Is he just wanting to be a boy and be with other people because he never has? I’m petrified that he is going to find someone better and never come back. But the stupid thing is, i don’t think there is anyone better. All i want is my husband and my life back. You don’t throw away 8.5 years and all our dreams just like that.
What is he trying to say? What can I do to get him back?
Post # 3
Sweetheart, it sounds like he’s stringing you along – he wants to have fun and not feel guilty for it, but he also wants you waiting around for when/if he doesn’t find anything “better” out there or decides he wants you back. Don’t be that girl. You need a clean break and to really heal and move on.
Post # 4
I would not get back with this guy. He says he loves you and misses you but doesn’t want to get back together (not now, and possibly NEVER?!) and then says he wants you both to see other people.
I would take his advice and move on, but stop hanging out with him, responding to any contact he tries to make, etc. Just run as far and as fast as you can from this guy. Sorry, that’s probably not what you wanted to hear.
Post # 5
he wants to date other girls.
Move on from him, he’s stringing you along as another pointed out.
Post # 6
My take: he’s seeing someone else but doesn’t want to tell you. He thinks this is letting you down easier (and keeping his own options open). Move on and don’t look back.
Post # 7
But he says he regrets not just postponing the wedding?
I feel like everything happened at once with new home, new job and a wedding and things spirraled out of control. It is hard because everyone out there in cyberspace doesn’t know how great we were before December when we fought. We had everything planned – travel, kids – everything.
Post # 8
@almostawife: I think he is saying “I want to explore who I am outside of this relationship.” While this is undoubtedly devastating, I think that you should take the opportunity to discover who you are outside of this relationship as well. He loves you, but he recognizes (wisely) that he needs to experiment and experience life alone. I wish I had the maturity to realize this need in myself before I got married to my husband, because these feelings do not go away but are infinitely more complicated once you are married.
Asking what you can do to get him back is going about this the wrong way IMO. If you are truly made for each other, you will be able to grow and develop on your own and find yourselves naturally coming back to one another. If you are not truly made for each other, you will drift apart and find other people to be with. And that’s ok. The reality of the situation is that the only way you will have the chance of ever getting back together, is proceeding as though this breakup is the complete end of your relationship and acting accordingly. While he is no doubt telling you the truth (that he loves you, wants to live a long life with you, etc.), you may need to set boundaries for yourself so that you don’t speak to each other for a long while. Enough for you to heal your heartbreak and start moving on with your life.
I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. It will get better.
Post # 9
This post made me so sad, I’m really sorry. It does sound like he is moving on but feeling guilty, so he’s being selfish and stringing you along while hoping you move on too. Cut off contact as much as possible…
You will be ok, everything will be ok with time. Don’t let him hurt you anymore.
Post # 10
@almostawife: Oh, lady, I’m sorry you are going through this. Take some time for YOU, independently of him, just for a little while longer. Give yourself some time to heal and gain some perspective because it seems like you could use a good heaping portion of perspective now.
From what I gather, it seems like he is confused, too, and doesn’t know exactly what he wants either, but yo-yo’ing you around with his contradictory statements isn’t helping. Part of him remembers well the happiness and years you’ve spent together while another part of him is wanting to explore other relationships and party. And yes, maybe he does want to just be a boy as you wrote, and that is fine, and good that he was at least clear on that point with you. But having you in his back pocket whenever he feels like “coming back” to you is no way for you to live. You don’t necessarily need to be waiting for him to come back to!
My point is that if he repeatedly disrespected you by staying out late and not contacting you as he said he would, you need to ask yourself if you want to return to that behavior again. *Saying* he hopes things work out between you two is one thing — taking *action* to make that happen is another thing entirely. Don’t waste YOUR life, YOUR time, waiting for him to figure it out.
Here’s something to consider: You may be the best thing for him, but he may not be the best thing for you. He might find someone else and never come back, and that would be his choice. No, you don’t throw away 8.5 years and all our dreams just like that…but HE DID. You need to recognize that.
I think before you ask what you can do to get him back, you need to ask if you really want him back, or just the idea of what he once was back? I don’t mean to be hurtful in bringing up these points for you, but I want you to really listen to your conscience and take the time to iron this out for yourself before you even put him in the equation. What do you want in a husband? Does he match up? If in time he proves himself to you, great. But don’t hold your breath. You deserve great stuff and not to be left hanging. HUGS
Post # 11
@geekspice: I’m almost positive he is not seeing someone else. He has worked til 1am 17 days in a row and when he sees me he kisses me and holds me like nothing ever happened. We have however, agreed to not see or speak to eachother until June.
Part of me thinks that he thinks i am not capable of being the wife of a barrister. But i am more than capable, but it was a big adjustment and I struggled and recognised that. I got better with accepting his working hours, but then he starting going out drinking.
Post # 12
@Cornflakegirl: 2nd that… wise words and advice.
Post # 13
@Cornflakegirl: Thank you. The problem is that it is all just so complicated. He said everyday from when we were 17 that he wanted to marry me. He referred to me as his wife to people who didn’t know us, and would openly start conversations about children. He did this right up until November. He represents everything i want – a home and a future!
Post # 14
@almostawife: Just focus on you. You don’t deserve to be treated like this. He’s obviously going through some mid-twenties-I-won’t-be-young-forever-let-me-sow-my-wild-oats crisis and dragging you along. You will drive yourself crazy trying to get him back. Do your thing, don’t be available for him, go out and have a good time. He will regret his decision but not if your sitting their waiting for him like a lost puppy. And it sounds like that’s exactly what he wants.
Post # 15
With his newfound success, his social circle and dating field have probably expanded considerably, at least in his eyes. He likely wants to be single and “live it up”. He might get bored of that eventually, and try to get you back. But hopefully by then you’ll be with a man who truly cherishes you. Hugs! Good luck!
Post # 16
So the general concensus is he is not coming back?