- 5 years ago
- Wedding: July 2012
Ive posted on here once before and the advice given to me was incredibly valuable so I am hoping I can get some this time. I dont post on websites very often.
Basically, last year in January I began having panic attacks from anxiety over my comming wedding in July. The woman i was marrying was amazing, in every possible way. She had her faults and was a litle stubborn but over all she was a great support system, gerat lover, and my best friend. But to me, being a father and husband are the most important things for me in the world and I absolutely never want to be a divorcee so I take the wedding thing very seiously. I suppose I just lost faith in myself and if I was ready to be that man that she deserved. What began as cold feet spiraled into two months of uncertainty and by March the wedding was called off. I begged her for a postponement but she couldnt handle it anymore and decided we needed to sell our place and break up. I begged her to stay but eventually saw the pain she was in and let her go. She took a long vacation and I packed up the condo (that i spent the last year renovating for us), began the process to sell it (her uncle was out real estate agent so nightmare!) and then moved out once it was gone.
Once she came back from her vacation she immediately got back in touch with me, asked me to meet and within hours we were sharing stories and sleeping together. Over the course of the last 5 months the sex, dates, and talking had increased to a point that “led me to beleive” that we were going to work things out. Then, about a month ago I noticed the harder I tried to make sure things were going well (admitting my mistakes, giving her romance, restoring her faith in me) the more reserved, hurt and distant she got. Finally it all blew up and she admitted she is still too hurt and I remind her of that hurt. She has decided she needs time to herself to decide if I am the right person for her.
I am devastated to the point of no return. I love this woman and I have spent considerable time working on why I couldnt get married last year, fixing some of my faults and looking inward at ways I can make this relationship stronger than ever and I have shared all of this with her profusely. She willl still talk to me and still loves me, she still melts all over me when I touch her and yet she still demands her space to figure it all out. I begged and begged like a loser again and finally I decided to give in and give her what she wants. I composed myself, called her and told her her decision was the right one and the brave one for making sure she was happy before going back into this. I tried my hardest to understand and validate her and I am now 3 days of no contact with her with a goal of 30 days before I contact her again to see where her head is at.
I am absolutely dying inside and am filled with such shame that I caused all this in the first place. I now realize what I mistake I made and how important this woman is to me. I dont expect much sympathy from the community on here as I have broken her heart so terribly she may never come back to me.I carry such an immense guilt that I could let the woman Ive been with for 9 years, my first love and I her first lover, get away from me.
I guess I just want oppinions from anyone. Do you think she will come around and see how good we are to each other? Our communication skills are exceptional, I can honestly say I have never lied to her and even when I had my cold feet she was the first person I went to with my problems. She is the same and we talk about everything honestly. We talk about everything to death so I am hoping this time apart lets her see that I can still make her safe and secure. Any advice would be appreciated.
P.S. I dont want to be boyfriend and girlfriend anymore, if we get back together I plan to marry this woman immediately and beautifully.