(Closed) Broken engagement and regrets… LONG.

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
236 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

It’s ok to not tell us the grocery list of reasons. What is important is that you know it is right. And really, like you said, a majoriity of good stuff doesn’t undo big non-negotiables. Trust your gut. Kepp going to cousneling. Really, far better to end an unhappy engagement than an unhappy marriage. Hugs.

Post # 4
Member
2373 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

I’m sorry you’re going through this- better now than later though.

Post # 5
Member
2192 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

Really Sorry you are going through all of this.

I promise that time does help heal…((hugs))

Post # 6
Member
90 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

Hang in there.  I’m sorry that you are going through this, but it is so positive that you are able to see the big picture.  You are listening to your gut, and that is significant.  A lot of people marry without listening to their gut, and then it really doesn’t end well.  I know my parents knew in their hearts that they were better off friends than spouses, but they got married anyway.  That just led to a long and painful divorce down the road.  You need to do what is right for you.

Post # 7
Member
141 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I am so sorry you are going through this, but I’m glad you have the strength to get away. It’s going to be really tough for a while. What they say is true though, try taking up a new hobby or something to keep you occupied. Learn how to go to movies and restaurants by yourself (this is so empowering!). Once you’ve had a few months of mourning and recovery you’ll realize you’re ready to get back out there, and you’ll be ready to meet the man who’s really right for you. I promise you’ll be okay. You have to do what’s best for you in the long run.

Post # 8
Member
555 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Hi.  I feel your pain in this email.  I was in a toxic relationship in my first marriage and the hardest thing I ever did was leave.  It’s easy to say be happy you don’t have kids and get out before you do, but that doesn’t get you through the day by day stuff.  I can honestly say if it wasn’t for a best friend who was there for me through thick and thin (and even going back twice) I would still be there totally miserable with more kids and an extra hundred pounds of weight.  One of the things that really helped me is I got down some index cards and wrote down on each card one thing I wouldn’t tolerate that had been happening in the relationship.  I also wrote down things that I wanted that were missing on some.  I wrote one thought on each card so I had a whole stack.  I carried them around in my purse and re-read them every time I felt the urge to put on the rose-colored glasses and only see the good parts of the relationship.  I also read them just to remind myself why I was going through the heartache.  I left my husband for good in 2007 and just got remarried a month ago.  I look at my life now and am SO thankful for the friend that was there for me and supported me through such a challenging time.  Your life CAN and WILL get better.  You know in your heart that leaving is the right thing.  If you want a friend to talk to (promise I’m not creepy) PM me and I’ll give you my email.  Best of luck to you!!!

Post # 9
Member
7587 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

I think picking up and staying focused on lots of other things helps when you end a relationship like this. It’s when sitting alone with your thoughts that creates those, “I miss you” feelings, even though you know he doesn’t deserve you and you don’t deserve the way he is treating you. For me I just told my friends that I needed them around all of the time, I started going to yoga, and they gym more regularly, in order to keep busy and him off of my mind.

It sounds like you’re making the best decision for you. Congratulations on being so strong and knowing when enough is enough.

Post # 10
Member
2321 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I am very sorry about your broken engagement. My advice is that you don’t do what I did when I was breaking up with my ex. I was totally isolated. I also had quit my job (unrelated to ex. I just wanted to take a break for a while and find something better.) But that meant I had like NO social contact whatsoever. That is the WORST thing I could’ve done to myself!!!! I kept sulking in self-pity and only remembered the good parts abt our relationship. Then started justifying how he wasn’t so bad after all and there are worse people in life. I wasted my whole freakin’ life/time at that time thinking and feeling low. I could’ve invested this time to take up a course to help my career, or done a job search, etc. Or visited family/friends. But no. End result? He called and I went running back. He used me for sex. I was degraded furthermore to the point of no return.

Please do not let that happen to YOU. At any/all costs, cut off contact with him like there is no tomorrow! Do NOT try to re-initiate anything until unless you are completely okay as an individual and have your self-esteem. Take some courses that you have been meaning to take but never got around to. Go to the mall and hang out there. I like being ‘around’ people even if I am not directly interacting with them. Kinda gives you that ‘I am not alone in the world’ feeling.

Watch a lot of comedy shows and movies. <– I started doing that after that last fiasco and this really actually helped. It helps to even laugh just a little bit. You might think that you got absolutely NO emotion left, and certainly not a happy one but you’d be surprised how easily some things can make you laugh out loud. And eat nice meals!

Post # 11
Member
105 posts
Blushing bee

@FrozenFeet:  My heart aches for you and everything you’re going through.  I called off an engagement to a man I was with for 5 years due to some of your similar concerns.

It’s hard, and it may be hard for a while, but you strike me as strong.  Accept this as a ‘death’ of sorts.  You’re grieving, and it’s OK to go through the phases of grief (read up on it if you haven’t done so already).

As far as staying strong, cry when you need to cry (it feels good), journal/blog (anything and everything), exercise and eat right, and start making a list of things that make you happy…start small and grow.

PM me if you need.  Best wishes.

Post # 12
Member
72 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I’m proud of you for doing this for YOU. Not for everyone else. You know I was married before and prayed every day for a sign that I wasn’t supposed to marry him, shouldn’t have that been sign enough? Anyway, I did end up marrying him becasue I didn’t want to disappoint anyone and we were at the point where it was get married or break up. So many times I wish I would have broken up, but being I had let so many dreams go for him, I felt kind of stuck. I am glad that I had that experienced because I learned so much from it. I compare it to buying a house, before I bought my first house, I knew what I thought I wanted and were must haves, but it wasn’t until I bought that house and lived there that I learned all the things that I really wanted in my next house. It has caused me to be extra cautious with this relationship and to not ignore my gut. I’m sure this will be better in the long run for you. I’m sure you are feeling relieved, yet sad at the same time. That is TOTALLY normal. Hang in there and it will get better. Big hugs to you!

Post # 13
Member
445 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

The loneliness will subside, and you’ll find a lot of things and people who will surely be there to make this less painful.  Please let your friends and family be there for you.  My friends and family were tremendous help when I went through my broken engagement…live life for yourself from this point forward and it’ll lead you to a happier place.  Take care and pm me if you want to chat.  I’m a pretty great listener..and I don’t mind a stranger sending me emails.

Post # 14
Member
5886 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

You are doing a good thing, even if it doesn’t feel like it. First thing you should do is make a list of all the bad things. Pull that out whenever  you get that I Miss Him, I need Him feeling (usually around 2 am).

Then do whatever you need to do to distract yourself–make new friends, join some clubs, learn a new hobby.

Check out this link from another Bee who also broke off her engagement– http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/life-after-a-broken-engagement

Post # 16
Member
5886 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

Thanks for the update. Stay strong and keep listening to your gut. Your head and heart will always try to talk you out of (or into) things, but your gut knows the truth.

Your heart is afraid of the unknown. I’ve learned that I can love someone, but some times I can’t love them in my space. Meaning, they aren’t good for me, so I have to let them go (and not be in my space anymore), but I can still love them. Sometime I think people think that you have to know that you shouldn’t be with that person you have to hate them. Not so,  you can still love them, but just love yourself *more*. 

Your head is also hopeful that you can logically think your way to a better relationship. Sigh, wish this was true. But it’s not.

Remember, it doesn’t have to be wrong, not not be right.

The topic ‘Broken engagement and regrets… LONG.’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors