- 10 years ago
- Wedding: January 2016
I started writing this post tens-of-times. I’ve been trying to write something, anything, without deleting it for the past week or so. It seemed to take too much energy. Type then delete, type then delete. You know what spurred me to finally commit to getting this off my chest to you wonderful, wonderful ladies? I came across a post that was “how do you know married the right man” and everyone proceeded to write out stories about how the FI/hubby was there for them. I realized that was missing and not that it just faded away, but it was never truly there.
Long story short, I will be ending my engagement soon.
I can go into the grocery list of reasons why I fell in love with him and the grocery list of reasons why we won’t be getting married, but I’m not going to right now. To do so would launch another gut-wrench heave, complete with tears and snot. No one wants to see that. Sometimes I’m weepy, sometimes I think I’m overreacting, sometimes I’m angry, sometimes I’m fine, and sometimes I’m silent and numb.
My Fiance is completely aware of my concerns – we’ve been in counseling for a while now – but it wasn’t until rather recently I feel like the final nail was put into the coffin, so to speak. Without going into details, he did a few things that are “non-negotiable” in my book (he did NOT hit me or cheat on me). He asked me the other day if we were still engaged/going to get married and I couldn’t even look at him…. I barely got out a “I don’t know right now. I need time to think.” I’m planning on going to the counseling sessions so we can discuss a “game plan” of what we’re doing/will do, etc. I will also be moving into a new place next month (5 more weeks isn’t *that* long away, is it??). Fiance is aware of the new place.
As I see my engagement falling apart before me, I wish I would’ve done things differently. I wish I would’ve enjoyed the process of “waiting”; however, I truly don’t believe I would’ve seen this until we were engaged and well into planning. I wish I didn’t give in on a few things that were important to me to keep the peace in the relationship/house. I wish I wouldn’t have put off my concerns until this late in the game. I wish I would’ve trusted my gut sooner and avoided SO MUCH of this crap. This is the part where it’s like I’m defending him, but trust me – I am fully aware he is an adult and makes his own decisions. I just wish I was more loving and could’ve been more understanding and not so naggy. Just because I love him doesn’t mean we should get married. It’s strange… he has all of the qualities I need and most of the things I want but also has most of the things I can’t tolerate. Thanks, Irony. He’s done some good things for me but a couple of wins doesn’t erase an entire season of losses, you know? Wow, that was an awful simile. I’m just not willing to be a shell of a person and give up my happiness to have the husband/house/kids with this man.
I moved to his city (3 hours away from my old place) a few months ago after taking a new job there/here. I do feel more adjusted now so I guess that’s a positive. For now, I’m thankful I’m taking action instead of putting on a smile and being in a miserable marriage that would almost certainly end in divorce.
I know I’m strong enough to break things off… it’s just the loneliness after the dust settles, ya know? See. right there. That’s what I’m talking about — some of the things this man has said and done are absolutely ridiculous to me and if this was my sister or a friend, I’d tell them to run and be thankful they don’t have a mortgage and a couple of kids with him. Ugh. The cycle begins again! If anyone has any advice on how to stay strong after the relationship has ended, please let me know!
Thanks for listening to a seemingly mashed-up, all over the place post. I feel like my brain has been put through a blender and I no longer have the ability to complete a thought/sentence. I’ll be OK, I know. I just hope I still feel that way when the heartache and tears come rearing their ugly heads again.
I started out sad with a trembling lip but now I feel so “blah” about it. It comes and goes, I guess.