(Closed) Broken engagement and unsure if it's the right thing

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 17
Member
2552 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

@lovestruckromeo:  If she was kind of pushing for a proposal/wedding, that may be why she’s so upset that you asked to move it back.

She may also be feeling that your reluctance to get married in two weeks is a reflection on her or on how you feel about her- if you can, try to let her know that she is very important to you, that you think she’s wonderful, and that this was in no way her ‘fault.’

From there, you might try to reason with her, and let her know that all you want is to work through these issues that the two of you are haivng with lifestyle compatibility before you walk down the aisle. It sounds like the issue is not that you don’t want to marry *her*, but that you’re simply concerned that your lifestyles aren’t meshing together well (it sounds like you guys don’t get to see each other a lot) and you’d like to work that out first.

Post # 19
Member
443 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@rachelmichelle:  + 1 to most of what you said.

I can understand postponing a wedding due to finances, sickness, even a death in the family but if my Fiance waited until 3 weeks out to tell me he was essentially no longer sure he wanted to marry me I would be absolutely crushed – I do not think I could recover from that. 

 

Post # 22
Member
227 posts
Helper bee

To me it seems like you are wishy washy and afraid to make a decision and stick with it. You don’t want to live in one place… you want to get married but you don’t , now you aren’t sure what to do to make it better. I think you just make a decision and stick with it. She said it is over if you postpone the wedding… you postponed it anyway so it is over that was your choice.  Just make a decision and stand with the decision you made. I agree with her if you love her marry her. This not wanting to live in one place thing migh be something you let go of until the kids are grown and you are retired. Or you accept she just wasn’t the one for you and you move on to find the person who wants to move around too. I really don’t think right now there is anything you can do besides marrying her that will reconcile everything. She is dealing with the worst kind of heart ache and embarrasment right now. 

Post # 23
Member
1384 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@lovestruckromeo:  Have you two ever driven around different neighborhoods/towns together to try to find a compromise of where to settle down? I’ve been living in LA for 4 1/2 years and had been miserable up until a few months ago when I started becoming involved with the community and started volunteering, so I can definitely relate with you on feeling like you don’t belong. But also, you can belong if you want to; you just have to look into the right places. I grew up in a more cookie-cutter, suburban city about an hour south of where we live and I think it’s the ideal place to raise a family, he just finds it so depressing and can’t bear the thought of having to live somewhere so quiet.

We have fought a lot over this, and good thing we’ve been together for 4 1/2 years, engaged for 7 months, and stlll have another 1 1/2 til the wedding, because it has taken us THIS long to agree to stay here. It took me that long to feel like I belong. And it took me that long to figure out that I was the reason why I wasn’t fitting in. Also you don’t HAVE  to have everything figured out right now. Just because you live there now doesn’t mean you’ll live there next year. Life is a long, long journey and nothing is set in stone. I think you both should have had a long talk about these things before getting engaged and tried to find some common ground/sacrifices to make it work. 

And therapy is a wonderful thing. I have a high threshold for stress/anxiety and have good coping skills and I am not opposed to seeing a therapist when life feels unbearable. I would see one for a little while if I was feeling like you do. Sorry I wrote so much!

Post # 25
Member
1384 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@lovestruckromeo:  How old are you both, anyway? I know you mentioned she’s in her mid 20’s. It seems like you might have jumped the gun on getting engaged. Or at least maybe you should have spent more time being engaged. It almost sounds like you don’t know each other well enough to take that next step together. Doesn’t excuse your actions, but probably added to your anxiety. Marriage isn’t about a wedding. It’s a serious step in life.

Post # 28
Member
1384 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@lovestruckromeo:  I’m in school to become a teacher and have an extremely limited schedule between student teaching, classes, family, etc, I look forward to doing fun things so I think it’s more of her personality to stay in rather than her wanting to relax. Maybe a part of your reservations has to do with that aspect of lifestyle, too.

Post # 30
Member
20 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: November 2012

I didn’t go through all of the responses, so I apologize if I’m redundant.

I know exactly what you’re going through..except from her perspective. Now, no one can say what the best thing for you to do is simply because you know the situation better than anyone else. I am currently single. I was engaged for a full year and two months before my wedding, we went our separate ways. We had quite a few long conversations about it and he decided he didn’t want to marry me anymore. He suggested postponing the wedding and my reaction sucked. I was in the heat of the moment. I was angry, upset, sad, confused. I felt like my heart had been ripped out as I didn’t see this coming. I reacted by saying that if he didn’t want to marry me now, why would he want to later? I said I couldn’t stay together after that. The next morning, I realized all I wanted was to be with him..no matter what it took. I have told him that. I think the combination of our “issues” and my reaction pushed him to decide that he no longer wanted to stay together as a couple anymore. I was beyond crushed. Still am. (This happened 3 months ago)

If my ex came back to me today, I would most certainly work on our relationship. Of course, I would need quite a bit of reassurance that he had enough time to know FOR SURE that I was what he wanted. I would need to know that he would be completely trustworthy and that if something difficult comes up in our relationship in the future, he won’t just leave. There would definitely be some repairing to be done. 

I can’t speak or your ex, though I can say that trying has never put anyone in a worse-off situation than they are currently in. I say go for it. What do you have to lose? She was probably heart broken – so much so that it would be impossible to even describe the feeling. She may be hesitant or even not interested at all, but don’t get angry. Keep trying if what your heart is telling you is that she and you are meant to be.

I have not contacted my ex because he was the one that called it off (oh and he’s seeing somebody). I feel like if he wants to fix things or if he changes his mind, he will come to me. He knows how I feel and where my heart is. I have said all I can say. The ball is in his court. 

I wish you the very best. Good luck to you and stay strong no matter the outcome! I’ll be thinking of you.

Post # 31
Member
1384 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@lovestruckromeo:  Embarrassed for sure. 

Rightfully so, she’s excited to plan her wedding, but if the relationship isn’t strong enough, then it’s best not to be married. And she’s not wrong in being so mad, but it’s good that she isn’t being led into a marriage where you are unsure of what you want. The day a man says “I do” to a woman, he should be totally sure that he’s marrying the right person without any doubts. She deserves to have that. 

Even though she’s mad and hurting now, regardless of whatever the outcome may be, she will be glad that you didn’t go through with the wedding having any doubts. You both may find that even though you love each other very much, there just might be someone better for both of you.

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