(Closed) Broken engagement and unsure if it's the right thing

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 32
Member
335 posts
Helper bee

Well, in many cases, if you’ve known each other for 3 or more years, how much more is there really to learn?  I’m not attacking you, I’m just saying.  Three years is a pretty long time to know someone.  It’s also a pretty decent amount of time within which to determine if you want to marry someone.  She obviously made her mind up.

If she’s not amendable to getting back together, occasionally it happens! then it may be time to cut your losses and move on, maybe try to remain as friends. 

I’m definitely more shy/introverted than my SO, but I don’t like being shy all the time, so I like when he drags me out and makes me be more social, because he’s definitely more gregarious than I am.  I can see, if you two are diametrically opposed, but neither are particularly good at compromising, there… hmm.  That could definitely cause a problem, especially since she’s the only person you really know.   Have you considered finding ways to meet people in the area?  Going to a gym?  Or somewhere else you may be more comfortable with?  Looking online for local meet-ups of some variety?  It sounds sort of like one problem is that you need someone to go out with, and while it’s not her “job” to entertain you, it’s not something that she should leave out of consideration.

Oh, and if y’all do end up getting back together, or for future reference, you might want to consider some pre-marital classes, be they faith-based, such as pre-cana classes (Catholic), or if they are just Pre-marital counselling.  Heck, it can’t hurt, even if you aren’t those faiths, since they help you both work through things like that, and get some perspective on issues before you get to the point where you are, currently.

Post # 34
Member
20 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: November 2012

Thank you. There are two things I know for sure from this: One, I don’t want to be with somebody who doesn’t want to be with me. Two, relationships take a hell of a lot of work, and it is all worth it. I wish I worked a little harder knowing what I know now. Lesson learned. 

I can definitely see how it could be too soon to let her know how you’re feeling as emotions are probably still a little heightened. You know better than anyone else how and when to approach the situation. I suggest getting your thoughts in order completely and knowing exactly how you feel and what you want before approaching her. You don’t want to go in still seeming confused. I truly believe that things happen for a reason. Sometimes we make them happen, sometimes they’re beyond our control. But, if its what you want and you can control it, then do it! 

Whatever happens, stay positive. This experience will make you so much stronger no matter which direction this goes – for your relationship with her or anybody else. 

ETA: it’s a good thing Facebook statuses aren’t set in stone! 😉 

Post # 35
Member
227 posts
Helper bee

@lovestruckromeo:  are you worried it won’t work out because you come from a broken home and don’t want to experience that… or are you worried she isn’t the one. If she isnt the one well it hurts but you did what is best. If the worry comes from being around divorce you can’t hold your relationship hostage to others failures it isn’t fair to her. You have to step out and do it afraid because you can’t change what you experienced but if you love her you can commit to a better life with her. Don’t be afraid of life becoming redundant. Even if she wants a stable place to come home to there will always be new thrills to experience together. Vacations, Holidays and hobbies can be filled with spontaneous things to do together. I think if she love you and you love her you will eventually work it out, but if you really can’t see yourself with her… you did the right thing as sad as it sounds. 

Post # 36
Member
5656 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2012

Wow… I really don’t blame her for being heartbroken. If my husband had backed out 2 weeks before our wedding, I don’t think I would be able to come back from that.

In the end, it’s better that you broke up with her now rather than after you were married. It is better for both of you in the long run.

As for any chance of “fixing” this… well, to be blunt, I think you blew your chance. If there is any hope in ever getting back with her, I think it’s going to take a long while before she will be able to trust you again. 

Post # 37
Member
501 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

@lovestruckromeo:  i don’t think you really love her.

i know that sounds harsh, but it sounds like she was willing to move for you. she knew she wanted to be with you. but you weren’t sure if a new city  was where you wanted to ‘put roots down’.

i think if you are excited to marry a woman, then these issues seem relatively small. maybe you go to a new town for a year, maybe then you guys move somewhere else. . .who cares as long as you’re together?

but you do care. so, it sounds like being together really doesn’t/didn’t mean that much to you.

thus, honestly it sounds like she did the right thing.

i think if you love her, you will say/would have said  ‘let’s get married- i want to be with you, definitely’.

 i also don’t think that having to deliberate about whether or not you should try to get her back, bodes well. if you loved her, you WOULD be trying to get her back.  

i wonder if she’d be better off with someone else.

Post # 38
Member
424 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I’d be pretty angry if I were in her shoes.  The time to think about lifestyle, compatability, etc is before the proposal, not two weeks before the wedding.

Post # 39
Member
11744 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@lovestruckromeo:  If you’re not sure you want to marry her then you need to let her go at this point.  If you think there’s a chance if you were to get back together that you would do the same thing when it came to getting married again then you need to let her be and move on with both of your lives, apart. 

If you really did make a huge mistake and freaked out for no reason then try and go after her – but don’t you dare fuck her over a second time.

I personally have been in cat-n-mouse relationships like this before and have learned that 1 break up is it for me. I’d never forgive my Fiance for breaking off our wedding 2 weeks before, humiliating me, putting me in that position, breaking my heart.  So as much as I’d want to probably take him back and pretend everythign was fine and wonderful again, I probably wouldn’t because of my past experiences. 

Post # 40
Member
129 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@lovestruckromeo:  If you can’t love her the way she wants and needs to be loved, if you can’t commit to her, stick with her in the tough times, and be willing to make her an important part of your life, let her go. She deserves someone who will do that for her. If you love her, man up and make it right. You don’t get to sit on the fence wasting her time while you make a decision, though. That’s not fair to her.

Post # 41
Member
170 posts
Blushing bee

@lovestruckromeo:  As someone who had a fiance back out, don’t underestimate the level of embarrassment she is facing, too.  I honestly think that was the worst part for me- also, a shy girl.  The attention and the embarrassment and the hurt… it was enough to have me hiding for weeks.

Post # 43
Member
180 posts
Blushing bee

Given that you’re not 100% sure about her, I would move on.  Marriage isn’t something to be wishy-washy about.  She deserves someone who feels certain about her.  To me, it’s not necessarily that you had anxiety about the wedding (which many people have), but it’s also that you didn’t try to stop her from calling her parents to call the wedding off.  

Reading your post, I get the impression that at least part of your reservation is due to location.  However, unsure as you may be, I think if you truly loved her, location would be of secondary importance and you two would have had an in depth discussion about this issue rather than deciding to put off the wedding.  After all, it’s much easier to move than it is to find a new spouse.  

Perhaps I’m coming to the wrong conclusion, but if I were her, I would move on and not look back.  However, I do give you props for being honest and coming forward before the marriage.  

 

Post # 46
Member
1152 posts
Bumble bee

Disclaimer: I am characteristically blunt, which often sounds rude over the internet, and I’m too tired to soften things up. Please take everything I say as an honest reaction and not an insult.

I don’t blame your ex for calling everything off. In her situation, I’d never want to see you again. I can’t imagine the pain she is going through. And I agree with her that if you’re not sure about marrying her two weeks before the wedding, three years since beginning to date, how could she ever trust you to make your mind? I’d never reconsider the relationship.

Here’s something to think about – we have established that she is experiencing tremendous personal pain, finding out that the man that told her he wanted her forever, doesn’t. We have established that her social humiliation, calling off the wedding 2 weeks before and knowing that everyone is tsking and speculating, is also enormous. Can you imagine how hurt and humiliated she would be if she took you back? Got engaged again? Had to listen to snide remarks about “Oh, how long is it going to last this time?” or “Is he sure he wants you now?” Trying again to trust your promises, your declarations of commitment, your ring. It would be rocky, to say the least.

I think it’s time to move on. I’m sorry, sweetheart. Maybe in a year you’ll realize that you did want to marry her – maybe not – but either way I think your bridges are pretty well burnt.

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