(Closed) Broken engagement and unsure if it's the right thing

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 48
Member
649 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@zerlina:  Amen!

 When you propose, you are making a promise to marry her.  You broke this promise, and now, I honestly think you don’t deserve her.  You should have made sure you knew 100% she was the one BEFORE proposing.  

If this happened to me, I would want my ex to leave me the hell alone so I could get on with my life.  I am sorry if this seems harsh, but it is how I would feel.  She could be different.   

Post # 49
Member
107 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

ouch that would be very upsetting not just for her but the entire 2 families & the whole community involved. She would be feeling completely humiliated & crushed so I understand why she says its now or never. On the other hand, if u felt a little pressured to propose before u were ready & also r completely unhappy in the town u r living in away from all your friends then that is a huge deal also. It sounds like she didnt take ur feelings into consideration when she went & took this job? That can be a total deal breaker if she is unwilling to compromise & if u didnt agree on a middleground before the wedding.

Also at the same time that shouldve been the time for u to speak up (before u both moved) & say u were’nt sure or were’nt comfortable being so far away from your family/friends. Do not call her family just yet because they will probably want to rip ur head off & because u r so unsure/confused/feeling guilty at this stage u will probably not have the answers/explanations her family r looking for. good luck. it is definately a good thing although u may not c it now, that u didnt get married when u were so unsure/unhappy then be divorced a year later as u said.

Post # 50
Member
1578 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013 - Country Club

I don’t think you’d be able to recocncile with me after canceling the wedding 2 weeks before… I would be angry and hurt. Not to mention that she will lose a ton of money on the deposits.

Post # 51
Member
286 posts
Helper bee

@lovestruckromeo:  I have a question and I don’t mean this in a rude way at all, but ask yourself what would more time do? Do you really think in your heart if you had more time you’d be more sure? In six months would you somehow have all the answers? After all this time together, you still don’t know if it’s right. What makes you think you will know after she gives you more time? I know it’s hard to hear but I think it would be selfish to make her wait. I understand where she is coming from. I can imagine after the pain and embarrassment of her wedding being called off and then waiting longer for you to decide….only for you to drop her again….I don’t think that’s fair. You have to make a decision and stick with it.

This isn’t healthy for either of you. She’s right. She should feel like a prize BUT you should feel comfortable and excited spending the rest of your life with her too. If you can’t make a decision by sorting out your feelings then try writing a pros and cons list. Don’t ever tell her your doing it. Maybe, this can help you look at things from a more practical standpoint since you can’t seem to get an answer from emotions. Think about the pros and cons with your life with her and without her. Think about if you’re happy with her? Are your expectations rational? Can you imagine her being the mother of your children? Can you see yourself ever being with someone else?

 Keep in mind that even if you do decide you want forever with her, she may not take you back. I know you had the best of intentions and did what you thought was right by calling off the wedding but if a man hurt me like that, I don’t think I could ever trust him or be with him again. From a woman’s standpoint, being dumped or having the wedding called off by the love of your life 2 weeks before your wedding….well that’s one of the most humilating, painful and cruelest things a man can do. I’m sure she’s devastated.

EDIT: In a later response you said you KNEW you wanted to marry her but a few posts earlier you say it’s hard to make a decision when you aren’t sure it will work out. You can’t marry someone with this sort of uncertainty and going back and forth. You say you needed more time. More time for what? What would more time do besides curb any doubts. If you know without a shadow of a doubt you want to marry her and you already have planned a wedding, there really isn’t a reason to break things off. In addition, this post is labeled “unsure if it’s the right thing.” i think you really need to let this girl go, as hard as it may be. This isn’t fair to her. Good luck to you. I do truly wish you the best and I hope you sort things out either way.

Post # 52
Member
1074 posts
Bumble bee

I think one really good way you could show her that you still care about her is to take over the cancelling of the wedding. Sure she may have talked to vendors and let the word out, but there’s a good chance she hasn’t talked to everyone or maybe has a vendor who is being difficult. As the one who called off the wedding I think you should offer to do the formal “calling off”, including talking to mutual friends and your family. Even if she was the one who planned the whole thing I think it would help give her time to focus on her own grief and not just the logistics. 

Post # 53
Member
1170 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

@lovestruckromeo:  I have read and reread your post several times. Just to review, you have known this girl for almost four years. Dated for roughly two to two and a half years. You proposed, even helped set the date.

I think you need to let it go and prepare for the possibility that your going to be the bad guy. I think thats your problem. You dont want to be the bad guy. You say you wanted to delay the wedding because of doubts and that you had the best intentions, maybe you did and maybe you didnt I dont know, but it sounds like you dont want to come out the bad guy. Sorry thats already happened,

Here is my thing and I know because I am madly deeply in love with my Fiance and vice versa. When you love someone, truly love someone, all things can be worked out. You say that you mentioned a month before the wedding about the city issue. What did you say, did you advise going to counselling. Were you specific in what was bothering you and how it could be fixed?

Just mentioning that you have a problem with the city you live in might not have been enough for her or anyone else to know that it was creating doubt in your mind. Case in point, my daughter was bullied at school, up until that time I loved the area we lived in. I told Fiance I hated our area now. He didnt realize that I was serious and it was causing me anxiety. Guess what. I got very specific with him and said I wanted to leave where we are at which isnt a possibility cause we are a military family. We have to be here for three more years. So Fiance and I worked it out that a year before his retirement we will start looking at other places to live and move too.

I wouldnt take you back, because as PP have said, what will time do? She will never be able to trust you again. Likely she will never want to speak to you again and I cant say I blame her. If you had doubts to begin with you should have set a date further into the future but you didnt. You helped set that date.

You say you spoke with her last night and told her you still care for her and still in love with her. Should she believe you? Also you werent begging her to take you back. You didnt tell her not to cancel the vendors or anything else. It seems like you love her but not enough to marry her.

Dont waste her time or yours, she deserves someone who will love her as if she is their last breathe.

 

Post # 54
Member
1202 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

I am closer to my immediate family than most people my age.  i also adore and cherish the time I spend with my few very very close friends.  Women tend to have a connection/need to be with family more than most men (it’s just true in my experience). I swore I’d never move far from my family.  While 45 minutes isn’t “far” to most, from living with my mother and seeing my niece and nephew every couple of days and friends at LEAST once a week… I moved that far to be with my husband (close to his job and he already had a house)… it’s a small bachelor pad house.. nothing I’d have ever chosen. In a city I don’t care for. I have only seen my friends a handfull of times since the wedding. I see my family once a week if Im lucky (they don’t like dogs so it’s up to me to visit)… and doubt about doing this never crossed my mind. I love my husband and logistics don’t factor in. I can’t imagine cancelling the wedding because of where we live or my social life… I’ve made new friends and learned to like this city. Due to DH’s swing schedule there are days we don’t even see one another. It’s me and the dogs… but he’s worth it.

If my Darling Husband had cancelled 2 weeks before the wedding there’s no way I’d ever even consider reconcilling.. in fact I’m fairly certain it would cause some serious damage to my self esteem/mentality for a while.

You made your decision.. there is no further “what to do’s” in this case. You may feel sad but it’s nothing compared to what you put her through. She DESERVES to feel like a prize on her wedding day.

Let her go. Don’t put her through anymore than you already have. Stop calling her and mind f(*#ing her. It’s not fair … it’s just you being selfish.

Post # 55
Member
1332 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I am trying to look at this from both sides.  No offense, but if it were the woman writing this post/your Fiance, I am guessing the general consensus would be telling her to move on, and to find someone whom is 100% and committed to sticking to a decision he had made.  Unless she forced you to put that ring on her finger, which I am guessing she did not, you chose to propose marriage and a lifetime with her.  So, should she give you more time to ‘see’ if your feelings change, thus putting aside longer the things she wants in life – marriage?!  Probably, perhaps, not.  Because in time, your decision/feelings may NOT change.  And then, it was wasted time all together.

If this is just a case of cold feet for you…well, my hope for any person out there is that they would have been communicating those feelings well before 2 weeks away from the wedding day.  Because, now today, 2 weeks out she has had call of your wedding, and will have to continue to cancel all those things.

I sadly, OP, feel the damage is done.  Although you want more time, her stating there is no more time is also valid.  If you do not want to get married in 2 weeks, what will change your mind in 2 months, or 2 years, and is it fair to ask her to wait for that?!  I am not sure. 

I am sorry this is happening for you, and applaude you for speaking up NOW rather than regretting this momentous decision later. 

Post # 56
Member
129 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@lovestruckromeo:  Well, IF you are positive you made the wrong decision, I would start by apologizing for not stopping her from calling off the wedding. You probably want to have some self-awareness of why you felt the way you did that you can articulate to her, and you should be willing to do everything in your power to get the wedding to happen.

That being said, I didn’t realize you’d already posted once about this situation. I think you guys really need to come to an agreement about your geographical plans before you commit to something you’ll be unhappy with. I don’t think she’s going to love a 1.5 hour commute when she moves 45 minutes away from her dream job, and if there’s no guarantee that you’re going to get a job that makes that kind of commute worthwhile, it doesn’t seem like a good idea. I just don’t think you guys SHOULD be getting married until you’ve figured out the life goals/plans stuff. You probably shouldn’t have gotten engaged until you figured out if you were compatible on that level, but what’s done is done.

I stand by my statement that you shouldn’t keep her on the fence while you decide, though. It’s inconsiderate. If you mutually agree to wait and see, that’s fine, but (assuming she takes you back) you need to have a plan that you are both happy with. If you can’t come to an agreement, it is probably best for you both to move on, because those big issues of shared goals and preferences play a huge role in whether marriages last or not. 

Post # 57
Member
2104 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

You should write a letter to her parents apologising and you should ask her if there is anything left that you can do to help cancel the wedding/notify people.  Then you can apologise one more time and exit stage right from her life.  If you weren’t ready to marry her, you should not have proposed.  Period. 

Post # 58
Member
54 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I am sorry you are going through this. Dont second guess your decition. If you are not happy being married will not make you happy,  no matter how much you love the person. Your situation is embarrassing, but its better than a divorce. Good luck to both of you. 

Post # 59
Member
6256 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2014

Let me start by saying I do think that your timing could have been better.

But I’ve been in your shoes. I called off the engagement with my ex-FI. The reasons were different, but it was the same situation–I was unhappy, increasingly depressed, and feeling ambivalent about the whole thing. We just weren’t right for one another, and we didn’t make one another’s lives any better than when we were just friends. In fact, it was better when we were friends.

Those doubts you were feeling were that little voice in your heart trying to be heard. After breaking up with my ex, I had some doubts, too. But I was not in love with him.And that’s major. That’s non-negotiable.

It sounds like the two of you are in different places in life. You’re an artist, she is a teacher. You are at least 5 years older than she is (if I read that correctly). Do you have that much in common with her? Is she good to you? Do you fight a lot?

I am not saying that she is at fault, and I do feel for her, but I also know that when one person wants out like this, there is usually a reason. Especially at a time when you guys should be so happy.

It sounds like I am encouraging you to be selfish, but I am not: You have to make sure you are going to be happy. If you aren’t happy, you can’t make her happy. And if you aren’t happy, she will never have the kind of security in the relationship that a wife deserves. It sounds like you were smart to break up, realizing that you couldn’t just give her part of you. I wish you’d have discovered this six months ago, but better now than after the wedding.

Let her go. It sounds like you aren’t ready (and I suspect there are underlying causes for this beyond what you are mentioning). But she deserves someone who will give her the kind of commitment she desires. And you deserve someone you are completely over the moon about. I found my person, and though I loved ex-FI like a brother and not having him in my life still hurts every day, I have no doubt that I am with the right person. Both of you deserve that certainty, but I don’t think you will find it with one another.

 

Post # 60
Member
2902 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I think the most loving thing you could do for her would be to leave her be and let her move on and heal. Canceling a wedding two weeks before the day is not something that most people can get over, and certainly not in a week. The financial loss, the embarassment, the terrible rejection and destruction of your dreams for the future… it’s a lot for her to deal with, and I’m sure the last thing she needs is contact from you. Calling off the wedding may have been the right decision, but if you keep contacting her and expressing your love and adding to her grief and confusion, it’s just selfish. You’re doing it to ease your own pain, not hers. If you love her, let her be. 

Post # 61
Member
1152 posts
Bumble bee

@TexasSpringBride:  +1

@lovestruckromeo:  I know that I want to marry her. I never said I didn’t, but that I felt I needed more time.

Those two statements are not compatible. Either you want to marry her, or you don’t. If you’re sure you want to stay with her forever, why are you so afraid of marrying her? It’s not like the ceremony is going to cast a magic spell on you and make you a different person. It’s pure commitment, which you claim to still feel, but your actions have shown her otherwise. That’s that.

Bottom line, Romeo, is that she is never going to be able to trust your promises again. If you started your relationship over, got engaged again, she’d spend the whole time sick with anxiety, because in her eyes you could bail out again any moment. Up to the last minute, maybe even after the wedding, she’d still be paranoid and afraid. No one deserves to live like that. No one deserves to be treated like that!

From your posts, I am unsure whether you want to “get her back.” But in case that is what you’re hoping to do – I’m betting that it’s just about impossible. She feels abandoned, worthless, lied to, unloved, humiliated. The trust is broken, probably beyond repair.

If she can move past her grief and trust you again, my best wishes go to both of you. But hopefully you can see why that is so unlikely.

As for her family, if they still want anything to do with you, ask what you can do to compensate for financial losses. That’s probably about it. Maybe other bees have more ideas.

I’m sorry I’m starting to speak kind of harshly. I am feeling for your ex and frustrated by your attitude. You can’t have both worlds. You can’t rip her heart out and then expect to be fawned over and accepted back into her arms. You had your chance to commit to her, and you’ve lost it now. You’ve got to deal with the consequences.

And the best way to support her would be to leave her alone. As another bee pointed out – I know you don’t want to be the bad guy, but you are now, at least in her eyes. The bad guy can’t help. Stop picking at her wounds. She’s hurting enough as is.

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