(Closed) Broken engagement and unsure if it's the right thing

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 62
Member
1152 posts
Bumble bee

@KatieBklyn:  THIS. +100000

@MrsBroccoliIf you weren’t ready to marry her, you should not have proposed.  Period. This as well. Perfectly said.

@lovestruckromeo: If I am misunderstanding your intentions, please forgive and correct me. I’m not entirely sure that I know what you are asking for; I was just going off of my best guess.

Post # 63
Member
418 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@KatieBklyn:  +1

OP, calling her repeatedly and professing your love is just plain selfish. Leave the poor girl alone, you have done more than enough damage already. Let her deal with this.

You had a year to figure out your issues. If you had these reservations, you should have discussed them with her before proposing to her. And your argument that you brought it up a month before the wedding so it wasn’t really out of the blue? Excuse me, but in what world is bringing all these deep dark fears up a month (i.e. 4 weeks, roughly 28 days, only 2 weeks prior to you forcing her to call it off) before the wedding not out of the blue?!

I know this is hard for you, but please. For the love of goodness. Man up, accept that you did this to yourself by not communicating with her, leave her alone and figure out how to move on. If she were right for you, and you loved her like you claim you do, you would be walking down the aisle soon and figuring this out with your wife instead of turning to the internet for advice.

Post # 64
Member
12246 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

I don’t mean to be harsh, but… You broke that poor girl’s heart. You called off the wedding with two weeks to go. Now it’s time to bow out of her life. Permenently.

Leave that poor girl alone. Defriend her on FB, delete her number, her friends’ numbers, and her family’s numbers from your phone.

When my fiance told me he didn’t want to get married, I left him. But he just had to keep calling and texting “I miss you” “I still want to be friends” “I still think you could be The One” and it made it IMPOSSIBLE for me to move on.

We did NOT get back together. Instead, I just wasted another six months on him. Eventually I blocked him and everyone he knows on FB. I blocked his numbers, his friend’s numbers and his family’s numbers.

Then I was able to move on and find someone who DOES want to marry me.

If you even like her, just a little, leave her alone. She does NOT need your “emotional shoulder”.

Post # 65
Member
6 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I’ve been lurking around the boards for a while, and I logged in to respond to this.

I was in a similar situation as your ex-FI. My ex’s family didn’t approve, and even though we dated for nearly three years the situation didn’t improve. He proposed, and it didn’t last. The kindest thing he did for me, though, was leave me alone after he broke it off. He allowed me to move on with my life, and looking back, that was an act of love.

You don’t get to bake your cake, frost it, and eat it too. You broke a shy girl’s heart, publicly humiliated her, and stomped on her trust. You betrayed her parents by hurting their daughter. What assurance does she have that if she ever took you back, you would be consistent this time? You don’t want to get back together for her- you want to get back together for you, because YOU still love her and YOU might want to get back together. Love, if it’s true, isn’t about selfishness. If you really love her, let her go, and let her find someone who will love her through everything.

I took my broken heart and lost weight. I got a few new hobbies. I traveled. I made new friends and I moved on. He didn’t give me a choice. My ex tracked me down through a mutual friend- of course, by that point I was married and I had a newborn to look after. We’re friends now, and I’d go out of my way to meet him for coffee, but it’s been nearly eight years, and my husband knows everything about the situation. Once, my ex-FI told me: “I loved you, you know?” My response was, “I know you did. Just not enough.”

For me- “just a little” is not enough, and I suspect your ex-FI feels the same way.

Post # 66
Member
464 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

To me, it sounds like that you did make a decision:  You called off the wedding.  As much as this completely and utterly hurt and crushed her, there are reasons why you did it and they are compelling enough that you followed through on that decision, even knowing how much it was going to hurt her and be scary for you.  If she said to marry her now or not at all, then I’m sad to say you’re no longer engaged.

Don’t talk to her family. They are certainly not ready to forgive you, and it sounds like you’re not clear yet on what didn’t feel right, so much so that you made the decision to call off the wedding and acted upon it.  My parents divorced over 25 years ago, and my uncle is still mad at my father for hurting his sister.  You’re going to have to let them go.

Move out (if you haven’t already) and take as much time as you need for soul searching to pinpoint what really wasn’t working for you, this much.  She will have plenty of support to work through what just happened to her.

I don’t think age really means much of anything, nor does the amount of time you spent together; we can’t know on this board what was going on and what was missing in the relationship for you and her.   If she delivered that marry-me-now-or-never ultimatum, then she knew something was wrong and did not want to face it and work it out with you.  So, as sympathetic as I am for both of you, I don’t think she’s an innocent in the situation.

I’m scared to death to get married this August. I think that’s normal.  I’m equally excited, too, but it is a stressful time.

I hope I don’t sound mean–I don’t mean to at all–and it’s commendable that you’re writing to this board about it and not ducking the weight of what happened.  Everyone’s right, there are no rules to love and you and she may yet get together, but I think that can’t happen until you’re both square on what was not working, and likely you’ll need to spend some alone time to find that out.

Post # 67
Member
342 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@lovestruckromeo:  

I am kind of surprise with how many people are saying that you have no chance to reconcile the situation.  About a month ago, my anxiety about getting married was unbearable.  I wasn’t questioning whether or not I picked the perfect dress, but whether or not getting married to my fiancé was the right decision.  Surprisingly, I have been with my SO for over 5 years and yet suddenly I started having doubts.  I couldn’t really rationalize my feels so I started analyzing his faults and questioning whether that was something I could live with for the rest of my life.  My anxiety was eating away at me and I was unsure I could go through with the wedding.  Long story short, I have had to work on my anxiety and I have come to realize that I was destroying a perfect thing.  I love him and I cannot imagine living without him. 

With that said, anxiety is a powerful thing and it can cloud our judgment.  Unfortunately, your anxiety got the best of you before you had time to sort through those emotions.  Here is my advice to you: if you do still love her, then try your hardest to get her back. Of course she will need time to heal, but afterwards she might be able to understand your anxiety.

I am a believer and I think a 4 year relationship deserves another chance. I wish you the best of luck. 

Post # 68
Member
44 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Although I realize I’m a bit late on giving input here, I figured that just incase you popped back in to check your topic I’d give it a shot:

To me, it seems as though your heart isn’t in this. My fiancé moved from an other state for me, fully aware that he didn’t have a job, friends, or family where he was going. I didn’t want him to give all that up. You know what he told me? That I was worth it. He said finding a new job would happen. It did. He said making new friends would happen. It did. And we still go and visit his family when we have the time. 

My fiancé and I also have opposite schedules, he works a first shift full time job, and I work a Second shift full time job. We see eachother in passing on weekdays, and half days on weekends. We still have a wonderful relationship though. It may suck to hear this, but that girl is lucky you backed out. She deserves someone with much more commitment and care.

Post # 69
Member
176 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

@MrsWBS:  I agree with you.

 

I think it’s great you are being honest with yourself. I don’t want to judge you but all I can say is only way to get her back is to show her you’re serious about marriage, and do it. Life’s too short to shuffle. If you’re not sure, walk. Let her move on.

Post # 70
Member
13 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I know that I am late to the party and that the dude in question isn’t updating, but I totally agree with what KaitKitten said. I’ve been engaged for 2 months, but 9 months ago my Fiance and I moved an entire ocean away from all of our family and friends for his job. He loves it here. I do not love it here. It is gorgeous here and sunny and wonderful, and I don’t really like the sun that much – I burn easily and am heavily tattooed. Everyone here seems to be into escapism (it’s like Never Never Land with substance abuse problems). The culture here is very different, the education system here is a joke, the work ethic is interesting, and somedays I am very, very unhappy. Guess what? My Fiance is totally f-ing worth it. 100%. We might be here another 2 years, we might be here another 7 years, and I will put on my big-boy pants (yes, I’m a woman) and deal with it or I will actually attempt to get involved in the community and make more friends and actually enjoy it. You said that you’d been in this city since September? So what, 4 or 5 months? Please. Grow up. You don’t want to marry her, that’s totally cool, just be honest about it. And if you ever propose to another chick, be sure.

Post # 71
Member
1303 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I had an ex-boyfriend with similar issues.  We had incompatible lifestyles and therefore could not quite get to the point where we were ready to be engaged.  We could never make things work when we were together, but whenever we would break up the constant messages would start about wanting to try again.  I had to completely stop responding in order to move on with my life.  I was already in my late 20s/early 30s and couldn’t spare the timeline for something with low prospects for long term happiness.  He was (and I’m sure still is) a really sweet guy but we were incompatible.  I’m so glad that I cut the cord even though it was hard to do at the time (and he made it even harder by trying to stay in touch).  4-5 years later, I am VERY happily married.  My husband and I have more compatible priorities and lifestyles, and it is so much easier to build a life this way.

I agree with previous posters who said that the least cruel thing you can do now is let her be so that she can heal from what’s happened.  And of course you should try to make up for any funds that were lost by her or her family.

It sounds, frankly, like you made the right decision since you were having doubts, but it’s unfortunate that you didn’t address those doubts before you got engaged.

I’m sorry that you’re having such a crummy time, regardless.

Post # 72
Member
126 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2019 - City, State

I agree with others that you’ve probably burned the bridge.

Coming back after this, as far as I can tell, mostly just works in the movies.

Post # 73
Member
1245 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2017 - Hagakyrkan

@lovestruckromeo:  In my oppinion a wedding is a symbol of love, and nothing more. Even though it feels like an irreversible committment, its not. You should of course be in love when getting married, but if it feel wrong to get married you should consider the reason for this.

Is is lack of love? If you love her and are SURE you want her back (are you better of with or without her, now that you’ve tried both?) you marry her. Because it is what she wants and you want her happy. And you DON’T hesitate to tell her. No delays.

If the concept of marriage is the issue then talk to her. Just like you would marry her to make her happy, she should understand your oppsition towards it and consider an unmarried relationship to make you happy. Maybe do some symbolic, non-legal ceremony to let the world know how you feel? It might be the festivity and celebration of your love that she finds attractive in the wedding?

Good luck!

 

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