Broken Engagement but I'm still in love–need advice!

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
9661 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

View original reply
bdj101 :  

No OP , I do not think it is salvageable , an engagement is an engagement to be married and he doesn’t want that . Or rather  not yet and  perhaps not with you  I am so sorry to say.  

I left my first husband even though I still loved him deeply ( and he me, in his way lol)  . As pps have often said, sometimes love is not enough . Its painful as hell, I won’t  deny it, but you do get past  it and move on to  better –  and easier –  things , I promise you . 

I was 24 I think . 

Post # 3
1007 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

Agree with PP. if you’ve ever broken up with someone you often realize you may love them, but they’re just not a good fit for a life partner.  Often men will just agree with anything the person who they are breaking up with says, anything to make them less sad, not cry, not look like the bad guy.  “Sure I need counseling, sure I might not know the real meaning of love, sure I’m scared of commitment and need to work on that.”

He doesn’t want to be alone and misses the feeling of being in a relationship so he’ll seek out affection from you.  Until you move out this will keep happening.

These feelings are the WORST, but it will get better once you realize that you both deserve better than what you’re getting from the other.  You’re not the one for him and that sucks.  I promise it will get better

Post # 4
407 posts
Helper bee

He’s not ready op. I’m sorry he is doing this now. I’d move out and move on. You are so young. My worry would be that he stays for now but this keeps happening. His true colors are showing and his first instinct (at least in his relationship with you) is to run away, instead of talking it out and vowing to make it work through conversation and compromise. Can you live your life with him always wondering when or if he’s going to decide to bail again. 

Post # 5
11369 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

View original reply
bdj101 :  

Honey, you can’t talk him into wanting to be with you.  He hasn’t been honest with you about his feelings, that’s not what you want in a partner.

Don’t put your energy into all of the reasons he’s wrong for ending it.  Work on accepting that it’s over.

No competent therapist is going to tell him that you two belong together.  That’s not how therapy works.  Don’t wait around for that.

You’re not going to begin the healing as long as you’re under the same roof.  Find a way to live separately now, before the end of the month, even if it means a little couch surfing.

Post # 6
272 posts
Helper bee

Ew, girl. This man… no, this BOY.. is not ready to be a husband or man that you can count on. The things he “fears” would have been quite easy to address throughout your relationship. If he wanted you to have more shared interests, why didn’t he try to initiate a new activity or hobby for the two of you? Honestly sounds like he’s back pedaling and using this general crap as an excuse for being immature and not ready to commit. 

Post # 7
1282 posts
Bumble bee

OP, I have no doubt that he loves you, but it doesn’t sound like he’s ready for engagement and marriage. This concern about “lack of shared interests” is SO ridiculous at this stage of your relationship that it can be little more than a mask for his REAL concerns–and that is marriage, settling down, family, etc. 

He seems to go out of town for work aaaaaaaaaa looooooooooooot. Holy lord, a lot. My brother is based in Atlanta and has a condo in both London and NYC because of his job–and HE doesn’t go out of town as much as your fella. It seems pretty clear that your fella’s travel and resultant wanderlust don’t jive with your couchsurfing, dramatic-show-watching weekends. (Nothing wrong with those kinds of weekends, by the way!) He wants more. He’s young. No matter what anyone says, being in your 20s is YOUNG. (Talk to an 80 year old and see how “old” you are, if you don’t believe me.) He wants to LIVE and experience and all that stuff–and your relationship thus far hasn’t illustrated that he can do that.

I think he may indeed be wrong! It sounds like you’re supportive of him traveling and that you would, indeed, love to travel with him! But HE just sounds like a scared little boy right now. Bee… *sigh* he’s not ready to settle down. Even though you sound like a terrifically supportive partner who would gladly accompany him on his many journeys and hobbies and so forth, he doesn’t really want that. He wants to go it alone. 

It’s okay for him to want to go it alone. I know that hurts, but he’s still young, and it’s okay to be young and not ready to settle. You’re ready and he’s not. Let him do what he needs to do–but do what YOU need to do for YOUR fulfillment, and never ever look back. 

Post # 8
2390 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I agree that this relationship is not going to end happily, at least not right now. He doesn’t want to be without you, but he’s not able to commit to you for life. These doubts will keep coming back and you will always be plagued by insecurity. This “shared hobby” thing is a symbol of all his doubts- not the main problem. If that was the main problem, he would have suggested that you guys find something fun to do together some weekend.


He’s also being a jerk by telling you he has doubts, but still trying to be loving and affectionate to you. That is definitely giving you mixed signals. I guess maybe he’s hoping that one day he just wakes up with perfect clarity and decides he is definitely certain about you and your shared future? That would be far easier than breaking the heart of someone he deeply cares about and going through the process of untangling a 4-5 year relationship, and readjusting to a new life. He has probably been arguing with himself for several months now over taking the path of least resistance and if he can do it. I think he is ultimately going to decide to do it the hard way (but probably the right way, if he’s so unsure), but it may take him some time.

Post # 9
3032 posts
Sugar bee

I’m confused. He ended your serious relationship because he feels like you guys don’t have enough hobbies together?! That is such an excuse! I’m sorry Bee. It sounds like he just isn’t ready to commit but instead of saying the truth he had to try some crappy excuse. 

I’m sorry you had to go through all of that. It’s frustrating and it sounds like you’ve done a great job of communicating with him. It sounds like you’ve been really open and willing to work on it. When push comes to shove though, some people just can’t say it like it is. 

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