Post # 1
My ex-fiance and I got engaged last year, after only 8 months of dating long distance. But we had been talking and chatting for 1 year before dating. We fell in love really fast and he proposed. The day he proposed I shocked but I said yes. I couldnt believe what was happening and I felt it was too soon, but I loved him. Two months after we got engaged we threw an engagement party and decided to get married 1 year after the engagement party. However, after our engagement party he said he couldnt wait 1 year to get married and he wanted to get married in 5 months. His parents are dead (his mum died 20 years ago and his dad 11 years ago by accident) so he said he didnt want a reception on our wedding day, but we should have a party 3 months after the day we actually get married. I said I understood his pain but I argued that I wanted to celebrate my wedding day with friends and close family and that we didnt need a party 3 months later but we could have small gathering on our wedding day. He didnt want to compromise and we started fighting. We decided then to stop talking about the wedding for a while. A month later I ask him when does he want to get married, he responds next year. A month later, his step-mum (his dad remarried before passing away) suggests that we should get married in 3 months and he says yes! I was confused but happy! So I visit churches and venues and I even book a church. But his step-mum changes her mind and claims that we do not have time to organize the wedding in 3 months and we should have only the religious ceremony in 3 months, without telling anyone, and then the party 6 months later. And my ex again agrees! This time the fight was even worse (btw, he is 34 years old!) and again we decided not to talk about the wedding for a while. When I raise the issue again a month later he says we’ll decide about the date when he graduates (he was studying and working at the same time). But something didn’t feel right anymore. I felt he didnt want to get married anymore and I kept on whining and complaining. I was insecure. He insisted that he wanted to get married, that the timing was not right and that he just wanted to finish his mba before getting into all that considering the fights we had the last time. He also said that we would get married as fast as possible after his MBA. And later we even agreed on getting married in Fall 2010. One month before he finishes his mba, he tells me he’s having issues at work and his project got cancelled and that we might not get married in Fall 2010. I got so angry and upset and mad. I cried and yelled. I couldnt believe it was only work issue. I felt he didnt want to get married. He told me he loved me and wanted to be with me. I told him I wished we never got engaged. After 4 days of fighting I calmed down said I was sorry etc but he was still upset and said I hurt him too much and he needed to think about things. Next thing you know he broke up with me by text message saying he cant deal with my insecurity anymore. I tried contacting him, but he asked not to and he said he’s convinced about his decision. It’s been 3 months and I am still crying. I wonder whether I lost the only man who ever loved me, and whether I ruined everything by being needy and insecure. HELP!!!
Post # 3
I am so sorry to hear you are experiencing such pain. I suggest that you go see a counselor if you can. Look at local universities in your city to find a low- or no-cost clinic. Talking with someone will really help you deal with all this tumult. Good luck.
Post # 4
Have you tried talking to anyone? A professional therapist or counselor?
It sounds like he had several issues he was dealing with as well and I don’t see where in your story you were “insecure”.
It seems he was easily swayed by his step mom and was putting others first (rather than putting you first).
It sounds like after the engagement you didn’t really have the best relationship and maybe you weren’t right for each other.
The best thing you can do is go and talk to someone. Let all your feelings out and start to deal with them.
EDIT: after re-reading yoru original post there is NOTHING you did wrong. Something is not right with him. He sounds very immature as well as inconsiderate. As painful as it is, you are lucky you found out before you got married. You did not lose the only man who will ever love you and you did NOTHING wrong.
Post # 5
I’m so sorry to hear about your heartbreak!
My honest response to your question though–as to whether you lost the only man who ever loved you and whether YOU did something wrong–is NO! The true love of your life would never break things off with you without trying his damnedest to work through things with you and would NEVER disrespect you and your feelings by calling things off in a text message. Better that you see his true colors and inconsiderateness now, than after you are married to him or had children with him. Fortunately, he did you a great favor, by leaving you open to find TRUE love and respect!
Post # 6
@ray22: I’m sorry this happened. I have to say, it really sounds like he doesn’t know what he wants. I know this is probably not what you want to hear, but I think it’s in your best interest to not be together or marry this guy. Asking someone to set a firm date, communicate and comprimise with you are all musts to put a wedding together. I’m not sure what his deal is with his step mom, but the plans of the wedding are between the two of you.There is something very OFF in his behavior, I really think you’re better off in the long run not being with this guy.
EDIT: I also wanted to add, that there was nothing YOU did to deserve this. The issue completley lies with him.
Post # 7
I’m sorry! I know it is hard to look past this right now, but you will one day be a stronger person because of this. I’d also suggest trying to speak with someone to help you work through the pain. Best of luck!
Post # 8
It sounds like he was a pain in the ass! I dont think you needed that kind of stress he put on you, if he didn’t want to get married he shouldn’t have proposed. It sounds like he never once took your feelings into consideration, and didn’t show any care for what you wanted. I dont think you were needy or insecure, I think he’s a jerk for breaking up with you through text message! Who does that to their fiance?! I think you’ll find your perfect someone later, he was definitely not the one if he listened to his step mother over you repeatedly. Do not contact him anymore- you need to walk away and be independent. You don’t need him, and I know its hard and it hurts but if he’s convinced then you don’t really want him back do you? You deserve someone who wouldn’t waver in their decision to marry you and knows that they’ll love you til the end of time. You’ll be okay, get a hobby or go out with friends, but leave him in the dust!
Post # 9
Someone who is unwilling to compromise on major issues and who breaks up with someone they intended to marry via text message is not ready to be a good lifelong partner to anyone.
I’m sorry you are in so much pain, but it’s probably for the best to move on and find someone who is ready and willing to be a good, fair and loving partner to you. Good luck!
Post # 10
I agree with the previous posters. You didn’t do anything wrong, and you should look forward to a better, more mature partner in your life. If he can’t decide between 3 months, 6 months, 2 months, etc now, imagine the confusion when you two start having a family or trying to communicate about other big items in your lives.
You will be better off in the long run having a parner who can communicate with you and who is not so wishy washy on things.
Keep your chin up, focus on you, work, family, and friends.
Post # 11
I am so, so sorry to hear about your heartbreak. It cannot be easy and I’m going to echo everyone else and recommend talking to a professional about it.
That being said,one of my friends recently married. This is her second engagement. The first one she was with the guy for six years, they got engaged and about two months after then engagement they broke up. She was heartbroken and thought she would never find love again. Six months after that she met her current husband. They just married last month.
Right now it may seem like this is it, that he all you could ever love, but you never know what the universer has planned.
BIG HUGS FOR YOU!
Post # 12
Oh no!! I am so sorry, I would be sad too. You did nothing wrong. He did. He should have been just as excited about it as you were and plan the big day as soon as possible and have a great time doing it… not put it off.
I know you are sad but if he can just toss you to the side after an engagement over a text message — I think you can do better! There are a lot of men who are active and excited in wedding planning and in relationships in general. You were needy and whiny because he kept putting your special day on the backburner!
Post # 13
I agree with the other bees. It might be hard to see this now when you’re in the midst of so much pain, but you deserve better than that, and you will be better off without him. He might be 34, but he sure doesn’t act like a grown man. Breaking off an engagement with a text? Who does that?! Believe me, it’s HIS loss not yours.
I promise you it will get better. Take care of yourself, let your friends and family take care of you, and have faith that every day that goes by it will hurt a little less. Hold your head high and remember that now you’re free to meet the REAL man of your dreams.
Post # 14
ALSO – I would have said the same thing in your situation. “I wish we never would have gotten engaged” — because he proposed and you were SO excited and then he basically just strung you along! That isn’t fair — If he didnt want to actually marry you, then he shouldn’t have proposed in the first place.
Post # 15
Chin up, girl. He’s obviously not the guy for you, and you should thank your lucky stars that you didn’t find out AFTER you married him. He would have driven you crazy with his flip-flopping and irrational behavior for the rest of your life!
Everything seems hopeless now – it always does in the immediate aftermath of a breakup – but look at this as a gift: You can stop wasting precious time on the wrong guy and start keeping an eye out for the right one. Take it from this 47-year-old first-time bride-to-be – he IS out there, and you don’t have to compromise!
Post # 16
i am so, so sorry. you did nothing wrong. you did nothing to deserve this.
from your post, it sounds like there was something weird going on with the boy – something very weird.
go to counseling to talk to someone about it. things WILL get better.