(Closed) Broken hearted

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 4
Member
1115 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

Aw, that stinks because you are so excited and he just doesn’t seem ready yet.

But college is very important. And it does seem he wants to move forward. But maybe he’s just not ready for the wedding just yet.

What’s the rush? How old are you guys? How long til he finishes school? Do you believe that he will marry you eventually?

If so, hold tight. It’s not a race. It’s not a competition with your friends. It’s about you two.

If you’re scared that he’s unsure entirely, I’d hold off on moving in with him for now. But the best thing you can do is be up front with him and just ask him…are you ready to do this? You don’t want to force him. Nor do you want to sit around waiting if he’s not planning to seal the deal eventually. Which I’d have trouble believing given that he proposed and he wants you to move in.

My engagement ended up being two years long. I was 36 by the time we actually tied the knot…We had to postpone for a whiiiiiiile after he was laid off from his job. And boy did it suck to have wait. But I’m glad we did it when we were in a better place and READY.

Post # 6
Member
6598 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2010

I really think you need to wait for him to be ready!

I was ready for a couple years before my FI.

I wouldn’t push him to hard and so if you don’t want to live with him before you guys are married don’t! Live on your own and wait for him to be ready on his own schedule!

Nothing will end well if you push him into something he isn’t ready for – not saying he doesn’t want to be with you, he OBVIOUSLY does! He just isn’t ready to be married!

Good Luck!

Post # 7
Member
411 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

*hugs*

I wouldn’t push him. I would find some girlfriends to move in with, or even live on your own. If he clearly isn’t ready, there’s no way that you can make him be ready sooner. But if you go ahead and move in with him, you lose integrity and faith in yourself, if it is that important to you.

This is something you two need to talk about asap. Make your intentions clear, but also make it clear that you don’t want to marry before he’s ready – or it’ll be a long, rocky road ahead.

How long have you two been dating? When we’re young, it’s often to better to wait a while. My FH and I will have been together for 5 1/2 years before we get married…sometimes boys just get ansty and propose before they’re ready. 😉

Post # 8
Member
4765 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2011 - Vintage Villas

I think your best bet is to take a short break from wedding planning with him – it sounds like he’s not ready and he’s starting to feel overwhelmed, and that’s not good for either of you.

Try taking a month or so without talking about weddings at all with him. Let him be the one to bring it up! Good luck! 🙂

Post # 9
Member
411 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

Btw, just because he’s not ready to be married, does not reflect that he does not love you. It means that he doesn’t want to hurt you and wants to make you happy.

Post # 10
Member
2144 posts
Buzzing bee

I agree that you need to wait. Tell him you will not move in with him until you are married, but just be careful not to say it in such a way that he feels like you are dangling a carrot over his head and using marriage as a type of trap. Just take your time and wait it out. If you are ready to be married now, and you don’t want to wait for him to catch up, it may be better to move on. There’s nothing wrong with realizing that the two of you no longer want the same things in life and to go your separate ways instead of trying to force to people to be something they aren’t. However, if you truly love him unconditionally, just explain to him how you feel and put the wedding on the backburner for now. Good luck!

Post # 11
Hostess
18654 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Have you read Mr. Bee’s Three Step Plan to Get Engaged?  I really think that you should implement the 3 steps and work on the backup plan.  Work on yourself, enjoy being in a relationship with him for now, and see where it goes.  I hope things work out for you.

Post # 12
Member
1734 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I’m not saying its your only reason, but being able to live together for religious reasons is not a good reason to marry someone especially when you are so young. You should find another living arrangement, and wait until you are both ready and have graduated from school to think about getting engaged. If it it were me, I would want to end the engagement until we were both ready. Doesn’t mean you need to break up, but I think you need to look at this objectively. He isn’t ready, you are very young, and you even said in previous posts that you feel like he just proposed to shut you up. Also, getting married to obtain better financial aid is a very bad idea. If you truly love this person and want your relationship to survive, I think getting married under these circumstances is a bad idea. I hope you don’t take this as an attack, It’s just my honest opinion of the situation. 

It seems that you both have a lot to think about before fully committing to marriage. It is a lifelong decision and should be made only when you are both ready for that commitment. Reasons such as a wanting to live together and getting financial aid should not be a factor whatsoever. 

It seems like you are going through a rough time right now, and for that, I am truly sorry. I hope you find a resolution that you are both happy with. But, I do not think you will be happy if you push him into getting married by forcing him to set a date. If he is not able to discuss this with you, he is definitely not ready for marriage.

Post # 13
Member
2030 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

20 is really young, especially for guys. I dated my now-husband starting when we were 19, and we didn’t get engaged until he was ready: when he was 26. We didn’t get married until we were 29. Be patient. If it’s meant to happen, it will.

Post # 14
Member
1104 posts
Bumble bee

I’d be *really* annoyed if I got proposed to by someone who didn’t want to actually have a wedding. To me, you do the “ready to be engaged” work before proposing. Then after you propose, you plan a wedding (sooner or later, depending on finances etc). But you really shouldn’t propose if you’re not ready to plan a wedding, so I get how frustrating that would be! That said, at 20 years old I am not surprised he isn’t ready to get married. There is no *way* I was ready then, and DH and I didn’t marry until he was 32 – I don’t think he would have been ready much before he was 30. I would say I was ready at 25-26. My parents got married at 21 and are blissfully happy. Everyone is different – the main thing is that you are both ready, because otherwise it’s not fair to either of you.

If I were you, I think I’d give the ring back, say you don’t think it’s the right time for the two of you to be planning a wedding, and concentrate on having a great relationship. Move in with some girlfriends, enjoy your work, maybe plan a trip overseas together, let him finish college without the stress of a wedding, etc. I think once you take away the wedding factor you will be able to see whether your relationship is worth holding onto until you are both ready for marriage, or not.

FWIW I “gave the ring back” to DH at one point too. It hurt, and it was hard to explain to people that we were “taking a break from wedding planning” – but a few years later we were better than ever, I got a different ring, and now we are happily married. So I know what it feels like 🙂 All the best.

Post # 15
Member
1893 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I know you’re probably tired of hearing this, but 20 years old is REALLY young.  You’re barely out of your teens.  I’m 32 (I know, not exactly senior citizen age or anything) and I am a totally different person than I was at 20.  I know there’s dozens of exceptions to every rule, but as a whole, I think marrying that young might lead to a lot of problems down the road.  Especially if you’re marrying for reasons like financial aid and living accomodations. 

I can understand why he’s not ready.  Given both your ages, maybe waiting a bit (at least until after graduation) might not be the worst idea in the world.

Post # 16
Member
204 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Stick to your guns ! Do not move in with him in August ! Tell him your beliefs and stay true to yourself !

I don’t even know why he proposed. Didn’t he realize that a proposal means the woman is “allowed” to proceed with the wedding planning?

Yes, college is important but so are your feelings, and like you said, you can do both —- you said you wanted something small, right?

20 is young, but I try not to generalize. Hopefully, I’m not wrong and this is not all a sign of your fi’s immaturity. Talk to him once and for all. “I am not moving in with you. I love you , but I don’t believe in it before marriage. At least if we set a date, I would feel better”

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