(Closed) Broken, lost and confused!

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 46
Member
2762 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

View original reply
sadandconfusedbride :  how would you “work things out” with your ex boyfriend? I’m genuinely curious what you think you can say/do that would make him want to stay.

Your lover has been keeping your relationship hidden away from everyone because he knows how wrong it is. Unless he were to bring the relationship to light there’s also virtually no possibility that he’ll stay with you either.

Your future plans cannot really count on either one of these men. Don’t believe me? Try this: the next time you talk to your ex boyfriend tell him you’re pregnant with his uncle’s baby. Tell him you have been sleeping with his uncle for ______ (insert the length of time you’ve been sleeping with him). Ask him if he’s still onboard with 1) being with you and, 2) raising and being a father to his COUSIN. At the same time, tell your baby’s father that if you’re going to have a chance at being a family he needs to tell EVETYONE about the relationship and your pregnancy. See who stays. 

I’m sorry you can’t count on your family, that’s a rough deal. 

I am super pro-choice but I would never tell a woman she should terminate her pregnancy, even if I thought that would be the best way of producing a positive outcome, just like I would never tell a woman she needed to go through with a pregnancy. You’ve decided to keep the baby. Ok. Your real dilemma will be finding a way to support yourself and the baby thru the pregnancy and about 3 months postpartum after you’ve finished your studies. I know a lot of women who become daycare providers/workers and take their young babies in with them as part of the deal. 

I’m going to repeat this: neither one of those men will stay for the long run. You need to make plans for yourself and the baby knowing that down to your bones. 

Post # 47
Member
7564 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

Why is a 38-year-old not living in his own place? And what makes you think that your future ex-fi’s family will let you and the uncle continue living there once they find out you’ve betrayed their incarcerated son?

you need to look at your very real problems. You need a place to live. You need a job. Babies are expensive. If you’re going to keep it, you need a court order of support against the Uncle. Before you invest any time or energy into romance and father figures, you need to figure out how you’re going to put a roof over your head and food in your belly. Without a job, your choices are to stay where you are (unlikely— see above) or go back to your parents’ house. This is what you should be focused on.

Post # 48
Member
121 posts
Blushing bee

Ouch…

Your situation is very messy. I firstly want to say that I am very sorry that you are hurting and I pray that you find peace in time. 

Your situation personally makes me question whether you really love your fiance anymore because in my oppinion, when you really love someone you would never think about cheating on them. Maybe you need to find it in your heart to do some soul searching to figure out if you really do love your fiance because i’m in love with someone currently and I could never even bear the thought of doing that to him. Let alone doing that to him…

So I think you may need to digg really deep and evalaute your own feelings for your fiance. Because to me, you do not sound like a woman who is still in love. You sound like a woman who is going to another man for the love and affection that you wish that your fiance would give to you… Since your going to another man for sex, you should ask yourself whether your fiance is truly giving you everything you need as a woman, and as his partner?  Because to me, it doesnt seem like he is. He sounds like he has failed you in some way you have yet to acknowledge. 

Here is my best advice. I apologize to you in advance if it comes off harshly in any way, but what you are doing right now to your fiance and his family is completely and honestly going to devestate them once they find out and someone needs to be real with you. If i’m the person who can be, than I will be.

My best advice to you would have come prior to you having cheated on him. I would have told you to have ended it with your fiance FIRST before you ever even possibly considered having a sexual relationship with his uncle… that would have been the right thing to do. But thats not an option anymore, so here’s my advice/oppinion based off of your current situation…

To not tell his parents the truth and to hide a pregnancy from them under their own roof when they have so graciously allowed you to live in THEIR home when they didn’t have to is wrong of you. It is wrong of you to allow yourself to continue living there when they have allowed you into their home with the intenion of you being their sons wife. It is wrong of you to stay there because your most likely not going to be his wife, now that you are pregnant with the uncle’s baby.

It does not matter now how much you love or don’t love the uncle… or how much you love or don’t love your fiance. All that matters now is that baby. That baby should be your #1 priority. And you are not putting that baby first by keeping it in that household with that situation going on…

And you are prolonging the wrongness of your actions now by continuing to keep this pregnancy a secret from your fiance and his parents while continuing to live in their house because living under their roof was a favor to you, not a given right. And now you have seriously violated their trust towards you, so to assume that you should still be able to live in their home having violated their trust is wrong because they very well may not feel comfortable with you living there anymore after knowing about the pregnancy.   

My advice to you is:

1) Tell your fiance’s parents the truth about what happened in the gentless way possible in a face to face meeting( have the uncle in this meeting with you because this is half the uncles fault as well for provoking/tempting you when he knew you were engaged to his nephew and he deserves some of the blame. It wasn’t JUST you.) 

2) During this meeting, have the uncle tell them straight forward that the pregnancy was caused by him, and then after he tells them, and you both apologize, move out of their house immediately( have your things packed up and ready to go in your room prior to telling them about the pregnancy, so that if things get realy ugly you can make a quick exit without leaving anything behind). 

If you truly don’t have any place to stay at..maybe try hard to make a mense with your mom over the phone so that you can go live with her again while pregnant with your baby or maybe try your best to negotiate a deal with your fiance’s family that will allow you to save up enough while living with them, so that you can eventually move out and get on your own two feet.

But you must take responsibility for your adult choice to have sex with your fiance’s uncle, and give birth to your baby. Don’t take the easy way out of your choice by getting an abotion unless you honestly don’t see that your babys life will prosper in any way… Then once you have your baby, learn how to be a good mother to your baby, and move forward with your life as best you can.

Its not fair of you( or the uncle) to let this poor family be fooled and manipulated by you guys every day under their own roof thinking that you are devoted to their son when you are clearly not. Not saying this family is all perfect, but it’s still not right.

Yes, mistakes and accidents happen…And you can’t take it back now. We all mess up, and we are all human at the end of the day and I am truly sorry for the devestation that you and your fiance’s uncle’s mistake has created, but you need to be adult enough now to own up to your mistake, and get your own place with your new baby daddy. 

You also need to tell your fiance face to face( if possible, you might have to do it over the phone if you can never see him) what happened and that you are now pregnant with his uncles baby. Then after your fiance knows, HE needs to be the one to decide (not you) whether he wants to forgive you or leave you…

Sooner or later, whether you tell them or not….your belly is going to start to show and they are going to find out one way or another . And it will be uglier if they found out later, as opposed to sooner. I know its scary, I know it is hard, but you made your choices and  you need to accept the consequences of your actions.

PLEASE DO THE RIGHT THING. Tell everyone involved what happened though it is painful for you and allow everyone the opportunity to move forward.

I pray that God blesses you, your baby, and your situation with peace and prosperity. And that everyone in this situation is able to move forward from this in a healthy way while being forgiving of one another because there was a lot of people at fault here. Not just you.

I wish you, your family, your fiance, and his family all the very best.

In addition, know that you have a God who loves you. Turn to him during this difficult time. He will unconditionally love you through all the the storms of life, he will be with you always and he will never forsake or leave you like the people of this world can and often do in times of struggle and pain… God bless you and your baby.  

Post # 49
Member
47430 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Secondly both my Fiance and his uncle are great people

Neither of these guys are great people. Your soon to be ex-fiance is a drug user (not likely his first offense or he wouldn’t be in jail, or he is dealing if he was caught with a large amount).

His uncle is a predator who took advantage of an obviously immature and ill eqipped for real life, young woman.

You have a hard row to hoe ahead of you.

Post # 50
Member
2079 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

Ummm wow, the more you update the more delusional you sound.  You need to be out of that household and back at your parents.  Neither of those “men” are any good for you and neither male is any kind of father material.  Besides, you’ll be lucky if you don’t get kicked out of your FORMER FI’s parents home.  You DO realize they aren’t stupid right?  What are you going to tell them when you start showing?  Honestly, you’re not equipped to be a mother either as your judgement is waaay, waaay bad hon.  A baby shouldn’t be subjected to the way of life you’re planning for him/her.  You’re being selfish and delusional.  You need psychiatric help and you need it yesterday.  If you truly love this child (I question that) then do what is best and get yourself and your child out of this situation completely.  

Post # 51
Member
214 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2017 - Maui, Hawaii

I can see how you’re having a hard time choosing. let’s play out both scenarios:

if you pick your fiancé who you “think” you might love, he gets out of jail eventually, you tell him that you’re currently pregnant with his uncle’s child, and he accepts you and his uncle’s child with open arms and you all live as one big happy family together with Step Great Uncle-Daddy and  Step Daddy-Cousin, and Aunt and Uncle/Step-Grandparents. Then you invite a camera crew and all get rich off the reality show money. 

Or if you pick your fiancé’s uncle who is twice your age and a really nice guy who just happens to still live with his brother or sister at the age of 38 and makes life decisions like boinking his nephew’s teenage fiancé while he’s away at jail while using inconsistent contraception, I’m sure he’ll be a really great dad. When your ex fiancé gets out of jail he’ll totally be cool with you and his uncle and his new baby cousin. His parents will definitely not kick you and uncle out of the house. Ex fiancé will move back in and you’ll all be one big happy family. After all, it takes a village, amirite? Then you’ll probably start banging ex fiancé on the side since you’ll all be under the same roof. Then just invite the camera crew and all get rich off the reality show money. 

Just flip a coin, it’s a win-win.

Oh and take a better creative writing class. 

Post # 53
Member
3567 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

View original reply
sadandconfusedbride :  If you’re studying childcare, go get a job in a daycare. They’ll hire you since you’re studying it, and they’ll and give you a discount when the baby comes. You have to figure out a way to support yourself. 

I don’t expect your fiance to take you back. With a baby on the way, I think that’s the least of your worries. You can’t depend on any of these people to get food in you and your baby’s stomachs. You have to start depending on yourself. You’re about to be a mother, and your baby needs you to care for it (not a drug addict or a 38 year old who lives at home). Just because they’re “good people” doesn’t make them dependable.  What about when your baby depends on them for food, but they get sent off to prison? That just won’t cut it.

Post # 54
Member
1156 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

I won’t reiterate what everyone else has already said about your decisions to this point, because I think you know the other bees are right. 

However, if you plan to keep this child you need to figure out healthcare, a home, a job and how the heck you’re going to care for this child. I’ve seen teen moms do it alone, which for the record is what you should do. These men are NOT the father figures you want for a child. But those other girls had the help of their families. I don’t think you realize how freaking hard it is to be a mom, let alone a teen mom with useless father figures, no career and no way to take care of a baby. I struggled with motherhood with my daughter and I had a husband. 

if I were you, I would be strongly considering abortion or adoption. If you don’t believe in abortion, give the child a fighting chance by letting a family who desperately wants and has the ability to properly care for a child.

Post # 55
Member
1213 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1995

View original reply
sadandconfusedbride :  What is the decision that you are making — which guy to choose?

I don’t think that is the decision that you should be thinking about.  It should be how to get out of your FI’s house, how to live on your own or go back to your parents, how to support yourself and your unborn child.  

 

Post # 56
Member
755 posts
Busy bee

Bringing a baby into this mess is cruel, to everyone involved. ABORT. Everything, all relationships and the baby. 

Post # 57
Member
6167 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2017

And here I always wondered if the people on Jerry Springer were real…

 

They’re both such great guys; ones on jail and a drug addict and the other one’s porking his nephews girlfriend behind his back.  Why don’t you just get a trailer and live in it together as a 3some. Worth a try since it seems to be going there anyway.

Post # 58
Member
11376 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

So many questions.

How is the uncle with whom you had an affair a “fresh start”? He’s your FI’s uncle. His family knows you as the fiancée of his nephew. 

This is not a fresh start.

If you’re keeping this baby, how will you support it with no job?   

Post # 59
Member
835 posts
Busy bee

Let’s be real you no longer have a Fiance so all that is left is the uncle. And yes RIGHT NOW, it may not seem so bad to keep the relationship. But as the years pass you by and let’s say he’ s 55 and your 36 you will not see him desirable any more. And the more time passes you will be back to changing diapers (His diapers that is) That is just to much of an age difference. Why put yourself in a worse situation when there is clearly alot of young men your age that you can choose from. One with an education and a good paying job that can actually support you and your baby and give you a chance at a better life.

The topic ‘Broken, lost and confused!’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors