(Closed) Broken Timeline/Deadlines? — Feedback

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
  • poll: Has or was your deadline/timeline exceeded?
    Yes, and now I have a new deadline... : (6 votes)
    21 %
    Yes, but I got a propsal soon after... : (4 votes)
    14 %
    Not yet... : (18 votes)
    64 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    3303 posts
    Sugar bee

    I am curious to know also. My SO has avoided timelines for this reason but I have 2 that I gave the relationship.

    Post # 4
    Member
    40 posts
    Newbee

    Until this whole thing happened, “pinky swearing” was a big deal between me and my boyfriend, and we only “pinky swore” for things that were super important. Anyway, he pinky swore we’d be engaged at the end of this year. Well, we won’t be. 

    I was the one to bring it up once I realized it wasn’t going to happen. I would have appreciated him sitting me down and explaining the situation, but he didn’t have the guts. That was actually the second timeline he broke, but he was 19 when he gave me the first one, so I kind of gave him a pass on that one. Both of the timelines came out of nowhere-they were initiated by him without any prompting from me. 

    I think it was a combination of his fear that I would leave him without a ring, and him wanting SO BAD for me to believe in him and believe that it was coming at some point. On the other hand, he did say that he honestly believed he would be ready at that point. 

    He will not be proposing anytime soon, and he did not give me another timeframe, but I did decide on an internal deadline of my own. I AM NOT going through that again. 

    Post # 5
    Member
    4803 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: August 2012

    Just a thought: are you sure that when he said “within the year” he actually didn’t mean “within a year”.  As in, you thought before 2011 and he thought a year from when he said that.  I speak from personal experience…Yell

    Post # 6
    Member
    7795 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 2010

    I hope I don’t sound mean, but I see so many of these postings on this board.  Is it at least possible that some guys agree to time lines just to make the whole discussion go away for awhile?  I wonder sometimes if some of them never really planned to follow thru, they just couldn’t find another way out without triggering a meltdown on the female side of the equation.

     

    Post # 7
    Member
    3303 posts
    Sugar bee

    @sassy411: You are probably right but I wish they would think about what would happen when they don’t follow through with the timelines they THEMSELVES set. That is why I am a firm believer in leaving a relationship if you are not getting what you want and also receiving empty promises in the interim. If a woman continually questions about the ring and she never gets one but refuses to leave the relationship any way- what is the point. Some men don’t get it until they see you walking out of the door- I have also heard of many proposals happening once he realizes that he is losing/has lost what he had.

    Post # 8
    Member
    7795 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 2010

    Honestly, I doubt guys see it that way.  Most men would rather do anything than hurt a woman’s feelings.  I suspect they see it as the lesser of 2 evils.

    Maybe that’s the convo that needs to happen.  Does the man feel safe enough that he won’t be caught up in a never ending hurricane of tears & rages if he says straight up that he is just not ready to talk about a time line?

    Post # 9
    Member
    3303 posts
    Sugar bee

    @sassy411: I don’t know but good question. I should ask my SO that because he refuses to set a timeline.

    Post # 10
    Member
    2373 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: July 2008

    Before we got engaged I casually asked my then boyfriend one night, “So.. when are you going to ask me to marry you?” (Backstory: He had asked me a few years prior and I said no. We had only been dating a few  months). Anyway, he gave me an “around Christmas answer..” I totally forgot about it until Christmas day. He was spending it with his family, I with mine. My parents dropped me off at our apartment and I was sitting alone waiting for him to come home and it popped into my head. It really hurt when I realized he had not taken the necessary steps so we talked. I came to the realization he had no idea where to start. The first time he asked me to marry him he just asked. I didn’t know he was serious until a few weeks after. That experience made him feel like he needed to “do more.”

     3 months later we were engaged.  I’ve always handled our finances and my husband doesn’t make large purchases without consulting me (and vise versa). We sat down and picked out two rings- I told him to choose. We purchased the ring and when it arrived we were engaged. It wasn’t a romantic thought out proposal, but it’s who we are as a couple. We do things together.

      I think you should ask why he is not proposing. Is he not ready? Is he not sure how to go about it? Is it a money issue? For us, working out the reason helped us get engaged.

    Post # 11
    Member
    1267 posts
    Bumble bee

    @sassy411:

    Yes, this exactly.  I have a lot of guy friends and this is a topic that I am dragged into a lot.  I’m not a typical girl in this sense and could care less about a proposal and a ring and squealing and being engaged and stuff so they seem to confide in my more Undecided  Often, they tell me that they say ‘of course, within X amount of time’ when they are being badgered and threatned into marriage and have no intention on coming through.  They just want the constant nagging and meltdowns to stop for a while.  I’m not saying its right, just saying its true…

    Post # 13
    Member
    3303 posts
    Sugar bee

    well i am glad he has the ring- that is half of the waiting process, only a matter of time now.

    Post # 14
    Member
    7795 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 2010

    @luckyprincess:

    Exactly.  With all of the carrying on, I suspect some of them feel like they’re making a hostage video.

    Say anything, just make the torture end.

    Men really think that once we go on a rant, it will never end.  They feel powerless to stop it.  They feel powerless to make their women happy at that point.  I can understand why they finally give in & make up a time line to save themselves.

    Post # 15
    Member
    91 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: August 2011

    I had an internal clock and time line that I kept adjusting. My friends kept telling that I should give the Fiance the time line and if he couldn’t commit by the date, then I should move on. I never was able to do that since I knew in my heart that whether we were married or not I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him.

    When I had finally let go of the internal clock and just enjoyed each moment togther rather than trying to anticipate the future, that is when he surprised me with a proposal.

    I am glad that I didn’t pressure for the propsal, I know that he asked when he was ready and I don’t worry that he only asked because I gave a propose or else.

    Post # 16
    Member
    304 posts
    Helper bee

    @mispriss1215:if he changed the deadline on me, i would leave! but my man would never say he was going to do something if he wasn’t.

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