(Closed) Broken Trust Leading to Broken Engagement- How to Heal?

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
7528 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

I am so very sorry to hear this and sad for you.  Where do things stand right now, does he know that you know what he’s been up to, have you confronted him?

Post # 4
Member
7528 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

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jaydee824 :  Ok, that makes things more clear.  He is aware that he has an addiction problem.  He needs professional counseling and so do you.  You cannot marry someone you do not trust. 

At least postpone the wedding and try to get some help.  This is a serious situation.  He has betrayed you.  He has damaged you.  He has deeply hurt you.  He is cheating on you.  Tell yourself the brutal truth.  This is not about him right now, this is about salvaging your self-worth and dignity.  You do not deserve to be cheated on.

He is an idiot, as well.  He has a wonderful woman who is close to his family and he is throwing it all away like trash.  I hate him!  (lol) 

I am so sorry he has done this to you.  Tell yourself the truth and please get some counseling.  This is a serious issue that can lead to a very dark place if you don’t put a stop to it now.

Post # 5
Member
2655 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

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jaydee824 :  omg you are sooo young!!! Go out there and find someone who will NOT cheat on you and treat you the way you deserve to be treated.

Can you find a roomate? Have one of your Girlfriend stay with you for a while? It will feel weird at first to be alone but you can do it. XO. 

Dont stay with this cheating douchebag because you are afraid to move on. You have your whole life ahead of you. 

imagine if  this was 10 years from now- you married him, had children, bought a house, further combined yor life and he did this. It would be a million times harder to start over at that point. 

He didnt even confess! He would have continued doing this had you not caught him. 

Post # 6
Member
900 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

To be honest, I would break up with him completely and let him go work on himself.  You will bear the brunt of collateral damage in this relationship, my dear Bee.  I’m so sorry.  

However, if you decide you cant, maybe you could even add something – if you really, really, really, really think you want him in the future – that if he gets help and gets better, that maybe in a year or two, you’d be open to him contacting you again if he’s grown to be the man you deserve.  Or tell him that you are giving him a two year separation deadline.  I know that seems so long, but if you truly want to marry him, wait for him.  But make him go make the effort and then come back and start your marriage with two people who are as “healthy” as they can be.

But can I be honest with you?  Your fears are, in the end, about yourself and how you feel and how you will get through.  He’s not particularly your concern, in my opinion.  Your concerns aren’t how to help him.  They’re about how you feel and what you will do without him.  To me that means somewhere deep down, you know that it’s giving up the relationship that will be hard.  I suspect that giving him up really won’t be that hard knowing how unfaithful and disloyal and unloving his behavior has been.

I can only promise you that you can make it through calling off an engagement even if it will be tough at first.  Don’t be afraid to ask friends/family for help.  I was so ashamed when I told my dad that my husband had been cheating on me.  I don’t know why – it’s not like it was my fault you know.  And I didn’t know who else to talk to but I needed someone who I knew cared about me but would give me real advice.

Still for some reason, I still expected him to judge me or tell me I just needed to work through it, etc.  But, he was ready to book me a hotel room and buy a plane ticket to come help me pack and get out…just having that emotional support gave me the strength to face each day as we still work to recover.   Find people to be that support for you.  They’re out there.  What’s that song–we all have bruises?  You’d be amazed at how people will be there for someone in the midst of the pain and help you.  You don’t have to do this alone.  

 

 

Post # 8
Member
9755 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

I wasted 7 long years with someone like this and I put up with it knowing it was happening for a long time because he always promised to change and told me how much he loved me. It never stopped and once he knew he could get away with it and I wouldn’t leave he would just keep pushing the boundaries further and further until he was full out sleeping with women he found online on dating sites. He might have loved me at one time, in some strange way, but mostly he just used me and I let him. Don’t let him use you. 

Run far, run fast. You’ll be sad at first, yeah, I won’t lie about that. You’ll mourn the good parts of the relationship. But you will be so much better off and happier in the long run and one day you will wake up and you just won’t care anymore. It won’t hurt, you won’t miss him, you won’t even hate him. You just won’t feel anything at all. Then you’ll meet someone wonderful and wonder why you stayed so long in the first place.

Post # 9
Member
361 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

This may be hard to do, but you need to RUN. You are too young to be engaged to a self-professed sex addict. It will only get worse over the years and it will probably turn to physical affairs once the thrill of sexting wears off. I would rather have a broken engagement at 23 than a broken marriage and family at 31 … especially for a problem you chose to ignore!

Let this man get the counseling he needs … SOLO. I would be focusing on me, finishing my education, and planning for the rest of my life. Trust the bees when we tell you to run!!! 

Post # 11
Member
8066 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

If someone can’t even be faithful to you when you’re engaged and during what should be the easiest time of your relationship, what do you think they’re going to do when you’ve been married 20 years, are older, or sick, have gained weight, or with 2 kids and less time for each other? 

Leave!  It will be hard at first, but you will be very very happy you didn’t waste any more time with him 5 years from now.

Post # 12
Member
9755 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

View original reply
jaydee824 :  Well, we broke up officially and then I stuck around for a full year being his beck and call girl. Letting his dogs out of the house while he was at work, cooking his dinner, buying him things, all while he was out banging younger girls he found on dating sites. I was convinced we could work it out if I just did this or if I changed that. I always blamed myself, never him.

Then, one day, I went to a concert by myself for my favorite band (my ex would never attend concerts with me, we were only allowed to do things that he wanted) and while I was waiting in line these two guys approached me and struck up a conversation as we were some of the only people there. They were both very nice, handsome, friendly guys who were just trying to be nice since I was obviously by myself. One of those guys ended up being Fiance. It was like a switch was flipped, as soon as I met him I had no desire to see my ex or to speak to him. I stopped coming around, stopped texting him, totally ignored him. It drove my ex insane! He texted me constantly, sending me pictures of our dogs, pictures of old love letters, anything he could to try and get me to pay attention to him all while he was still seeing other girls on the side. But it was too late. I felt nothing and I never spoke to him again.

You remind me very much of myself when I was your age. I can’t tell you that in three weeks everything will be okay because I’m not sure it will be. But I can tell you I wish I would have left so much sooner. I wish I would have not blamed myself and that I would have placed more value in myself than I did in him. We weren’t a good fit and never were and I pushed it because I felt like he was the only person out there and if I lost him I would just be alone forever. Well, thats not true. There are lots of people out there, some of them good and some of them bad. The trick is not to waste anymore time than you need to on the bad and then you’ll find the good much quicker. 

It’ll hurt at first but I promise you will be so much better off in the long run.

Post # 13
Member
918 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

View original reply
jaydee824 :  oh no..sweetie..addiction = bad. You are very young, do not waste your life on someone who is going to cheat on you.

Trust me, I dated guys I was head over heels in love with, was engaged to one of them and they kept cheating. I thought my life was over. I was so depressed and thought I must not be pretty enough or else he’d stop cheating. I was in my early 20s then.

Nope, turns out he’s just a dbag. Run. You will thank yourself when you’re older and find someone you can trust and would never do that. Please spare yourself more heartache, deal with your feelings now, see a therapist, and move on.

Post # 14
Member
481 posts
Helper bee

1. You are still young! You WILL find someone else. Trust me. I went through a big breakup at 26 and thought I would never recover and never find someone else. I am now 28 and getting married next May!

2. I have found that people do a lot of “growing up” between the ages of 20 and 25. Not to knock couples who get married young, but at least in my experience, a lot changes in this time frame and what you wanted at 20 is no longer what you want a few years later. Although it’s no excuse for him talking to other people, he may be going through a “midlife crisis” of sorts where he doesn’t know what he wants or what is out there. Also, you will be much happier when you find the person who will respect you and treat you right and you will realize you didn’t need him at 20, 21, 22, or 23 as much as you need your new guy.

Good luck! This is so sad.

Post # 15
Member
59 posts
Worker bee

No no please don’t stay with him!!  It’ll hurt like crazy right now but that’s not okay.  I’m not much older than you – 26 but you will find someone so much better.  My ex was like that – he sexted multiple women and eventually even slept with a few of them unprotected.  Leaving was the best decision I ever made in my life and I met a wonderful person who I’ll be marrying.  There is light at the end of the tunnel.  But no.  If you truly loves only you he wouldn’t have done that in the first place.

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