(Closed) 'Bromance' making me uncomfortable

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
1762 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

Ugh….I would be worried just a tad but never been in that situation tho..sorry I couldnt give you any advice.

Post # 4
Member
285 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Have you told him about your ex? Maybe if he knew where you were coming from he would try to be a bit more understanding.  What concerns me a lot is the way he is disrespecting his friend.  Dealing with coming out isn’t easy, and if he isn’t comfortable to be revealing that fact about himself publicly, I think it is pretty rude of your SO to tease him about it by playing silly jokes, and making him feel uncomfortable.

I think honesty is the key here, and just make sure you approach it in a way that you are not insinuating that you think he is gay. Whether he is hiding something or not, he will just get defensive…  but if he cares about how you feel, and respects his friend, he should lay off with those kind of jokes.

Post # 5
Member
3771 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Brookfield Zoo

For some reason, all of my guy friends do this to each other, and none of them are gay (positive on this).  Make lewd sexual jokes towards each other, pretend to kiss, etc. etc.  I don’t know why, it’s just something they do??  It’s normal for them to joke around like that, at least.  I don’t think it’s really something to be worried about, especially if he’s openly telling you this stuff.  I do think it was pretty rude of him to act that way at dinner if his friend felt uncomfortable by it.

Post # 6
Member
2196 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

I had an ex that would “pretend to be gay”. It bugged me a lot for two reasons.

1. I felt like he was making fun of gay people and 2. It wasn’t sexy to me, and it was a big turn off.

I would be bothered if my SO did that. He’s your straight man, and it doesn’t seem very nice to the gay friend either.

 

I would just tell him what you told us, tell him it drys up your vagina and it’s rude.

Post # 7
Member
866 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

Could you clarify which part makes you uncomfortable?

If I’m reading this correctly, you’re sensitive because your SO is “acting gay” or flamboyant with this friend, and it brings up bad memories because you dated a closeted gay man. And you now… suspect that your current SO is also closeted?

Well, I don’t think your current SO is a closeted gay man. I don’t think his pretending to be gay when with his friend means that he is, or wants to be, attracted to men (if he were, he would’ve been born that way and there’s nothing you could do about it anyway).

I think it means he’s acting like a jerk, and is too immature to handle the fact that his friend is gay, so he makes jokes about it in a faux-flamboyant way to deal with his discomfort. And considering that his friend specifically asked him not to behave in that way, his teasing is completely inappropriate and shows his inability to respect his friend.

Your SO needs to stop mocking a sterotype, and you need to relax. Your SO of now is not the guy from the past. Society is currently obsessed with the same-gender lifestyle, which is putting it into focus for you. Relax about the sexuality of your SO, and tell him to lay off the crappy treatment of his friend. 

 

Post # 8
Member
4416 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@PixelMePretty:  Bingo.

Straight women are as attracted to gay men as gay men are attracted to straight women — which is to say not at all. It’s all kinds of barking up the wrong tree.

Post # 10
Member
8042 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

@OneOfTheseDaysAlice:  I’d be worried too but then again I am pretty paranoid.

My guy goes out of his way for people all the time, but that’s just the way he is. I am pretty sure he’s never seriously pretended to be gay in public. He’ll sometimes do the accent and be silly… but just for me and it lasts like 20 seconds. Your bf in the restaurant seemed quite over the top, but then again.. I don’t know him. Is he very comfortable and confident in who he is and loves to play pranks and be the centre of attention?

I am not sure what else you can do except have a frank conversation with him. Snooping in his email or trying to look for little clues will only make you feel worse. If you are going to marry the guy then you need to sort this out BEFORE then, and you should be able to talk to him about pretty much anything, right?

I mean the fact that he shares this stuff w. you makes me think he probably isn’t gay or even curious or whatever.. but I guess you never know.

Post # 12
Member
2697 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@BostonBaby:  Agreed. I think your SO seems to be not truly comfortable with the fact that his friend is gay (and used to crush on him!) So he’s joking around trying to make up for that fact…which is actually him acting like kind of a jerk and I feel bad for his friend. 

Post # 13
Member
389 posts
Helper bee

I think you really need to think this through – is this the person you want to spend the rest of your life with?  If you are entering marriage with any doubt, that’s your gut that may be telling you something is wrong.  Fear, distrust, confusion, being uncomfortable does not a healthy relationship make.

I think it’s best that you deal directly with your own fears – discussing them with a person who is older that you really trust, or going to psychotherapy (which I did and it helped with my relationship as well – so I’m not just saying it).  You need to explore yourself first and then your therapist may suggest couple’s counseling.  You will discover the answers and what you should do.  Perhaps you love the “softer” part of a man (which most females do), but as a woman we need to feel safe, protected, and a man who can make important decisions and be a good father.

As my mantra goes, “when in doubt, leave it out.”  Don’t get married unless you are sure you can put up with the challenges that you face and that your relationship will include a third gay person in your lives.  I don’t see that your SO will ever cut that relationship.

Good luck – as this is challenging, but you are quite right to question it.

Best.

 

Post # 14
Member
679 posts
Busy bee

@BostonBaby:  + 1 million.

@OneOfTheseDaysAlice: I think I am a little confused about which part of the whole situation bothers you. Is it that you think he might be gay but he’s hiding it? Is it that his behavior brings back traumatizing memories for you? Is it that his treatment of his friend is inappropriate and immature and disrespectful? Is it that you’re afraid he cares more about the gay friend than he does about you (basing that one strictly off of the car example!)?

I don’t think your SO is a closeted gay man. It seems like he is socially awkward and doesn’t always understand appropriate boundaries and behavior. I am basing this partially off of other posts of yours I’ve read (from memory, I didn’t go digging into your past posts for this) where he didn’t really understand what was wrong with badgering people into staying at the apartment when they clearly didn’t want to, etc. Is there any chance he honestly doesn’t pick up on normal social cues? For instance, you said his gay friend was uncomfortable with your SO drawing attention to them…but maybe your SO sincerely didn’t pick up on that and just thought it was funny? Sometimes people have a legitimate problem with reading situations.

If I were you I’d analyze exactly what it is that makes you uncomfortable – whether it’s the closeness of their relationship, your bad experience in the past, or his inappropriate behavior (inappropriate mostly to the friend.) If it’s the closeness of the relationship that bugs you most, I’d say it is something you’ll have to resolve yourself, because it’s his good friend and it’s his choice how much time he spends with him and how they spend it. If it’s your bad experience in the past, I’d definitely open up to your SO about how that relationship made you feel, and how certain actions of his can dredge those feelings up again, but still, I think it’s your issue to resolve and not his, as he isn’t trying to hurt you on purpose. If it’s his inappropriate behavior and disrespect that’s throwing you off, I’d sit him down and say that you’re worried about how others are interpreting his words/actions and that he may want to think twice before doing/saying certain things…not just to avoid making others feel uncomfortable, but to respect the feelings of his friend and you.

 

Post # 15
Member
13099 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

@elysion:  “I do think it was pretty rude of him to act that way at dinner if his friend felt uncomfortable by it.”

Agreed.  I don’t think your SO is secretly in the closet like your past boyfriend.  But he does need to respect your friends feelings.

Post # 16
Member
1854 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@OneOfTheseDaysAlice:  I just wanted to say that I understand having fears from bad experences in past relationships and how hard it can be to work though them. You’re not alone!

The topic ‘'Bromance' making me uncomfortable’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors