Post # 1
Member
112 posts
Blushing bee
So, my husband and I are moving to another country this year. I am really excited but the only point that ticks me off is my brother. Let me start, I was telling him I’m going to Germany in October. He goes “OH, CAN I GO?! OMG THAT WOULD BE SO COOL.” Now at this point I never said yes but only said “It would be fun” and tried to change the subject to which he goes on looking for plane tickets. When I remarked I wasn’t even sure where I would actually be living yet he still ran with it and I tried to change the subject. So now he thinks he’s going without me actually saying I invited him. Let me explain some things here. 1. He went to Hawaii last year to visit my husband and I. I paid for his ticket and cannot afford to pay for another one for him to visit us in Europe because it is really expensive. I think he assumes I am going to pay even though he said he would be buying the ticket. 2. By all rights if I chose to have anyone come to Europe it would be my younger sister who did not get to go to Hawaii last year. I am trying to be fair in that point. When I told him this he got annoyed and started telling me that the reason she did not deserve to go was because she was getting financial help to go to school by her grandmother. What does that have to do with anything? Just because she is getting help doesn’t mean she shouldn’t be able to go on a trip. He got plenty of help as well but slacked off. 3. My mom basically stuck up for him going and I told her that he was acting like a brat about it. He wasn’t actually invited and is now pressuring me for a trip. No one said he CAN’T go but he better pay for his own ticket and the way he is acting, his own hotel. 4. It is between going to Germany in October or going to Paris that September for my anniversary. When I told him I may not go but instead decided to go to France he threw a hissy fit. I would much rather spend my time with my husband than get wasted with him. His entitlement and selfish behavior is basically allowed by my mom but this isn’t going to happen with me. He has been pressuring and then getting mad when I say I am not making promises to anyone about coming to visit us in Europe. I am happy and blessed to be living there but as far as visitors, I think I should get a say in who comes to my house. 5. He can’t even pay to get his car fixed but he wants to pay for a ticket?When he was in Hawaii, he never chipped in for gas or even groceries that week. He just sat back. If you stay in someone’s house, chip in! How do I politely but nicely tell him to back the hell off and I would rather eat glass than have him come?
This is also the same brother who called my courthouse wedding “not real” and also skipped out on it to be in a football game.
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This topic was modified 4 years, 6 months ago by Doralise.
Post # 2
Member
112 posts
Blushing bee
Whoa, I put paragraphs in that and its not showing up. Really sorry.
Post # 3
Member
3026 posts
Sugar bee
- Wedding: July 2014 - Prague
Cut the cord.
If he wants to visit you, he can buy his own ticket. If he can’t? He has other things to be worrying about.
Honestly, this isn’t your problem! Why is this even a topic of conversation? Why would any of your siblings be tagging along with you anywhere? Move fast and rid yourself of this ridiculousness.
Post # 4
Member
2375 posts
Buzzing bee
Sit down with him and explain this is your anniversary trip! Even if it’s a bit early, I assume you’ll be celebrating it. If he pushes back, then explain that this is a private and INTIMATE (hint hint) celebration since it’s an anniversary.
If he’s too dense to follow the thought train there, you’ll just have to be straightforward with him and say that while you can’t stop him from going, you won’t be spending time with him.
Post # 5
Member
112 posts
Blushing bee
That is how I am feeling and besides I really think he was being unfair about my sister going because he got his chance to visit us and he did. My sister hasn’t asked for anything from me and I think this would be nice. I also don’t like my mom sticking up for him because it is well-known she does tend to side with him a lot of times and I already made it clear that if anyone would be coming to visit, it would be my sister. Also, I just hate how he is acting entitled and really spoiled when I didn’t actually invite him.
Also, it is between Paris for our anniversary in September or Germany for Oktoberfest and financally we have to make one trip and its going to be Paris. When I told my brother that he reacted like a brat and my mom even said I could go to France any time!
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This reply was modified 4 years, 6 months ago by Doralise.
Post # 6
Member
797 posts
Busy bee
I would tell him and your mother, “You do realize this is our anniversary trip, right?” Then remind him that you didn’t invite him and if he wants to travel he can do it on his own dime, or his mothers. Why don’t they just go to Germany together since they’re so chummy?
Sorry if I’m being mean but I hate when one sibling feels entitlement over the other… My sister feels major entitlement to my parents money. She’s costing them thousands of dollars in medical bills because she can’t afford it, but she still has the gall to ask them to pay for her groceries (even though she gets food stamps), gas, school loans, etc. even though they live 1.5hrs from her and she can’t drive long distances, so my 70 year old parents have to drive all over the place to help their 32 year old “child.” If we are all together and I get something (wether it’s with my own money or my mom wants to treat me) she’ll pout until someone offers her the same thing. Trust me, you and your sister are much better off than your brother will ever be. All the enabling your mom is doing is just hurting his personal development and ability to learn how to be an adult.
Sorry for the rant, just wanted to give you support and let you know you’re not alone!
Post # 7
Member
112 posts
Blushing bee
babytoes: It is so glad you understand! My mom and grandmother were like “Let him come!” as if he was a kid. I reminded them that the person is question is a 21-year old man who should be making his own life instead of trying to jump on other peoples’ plans. This isn’t the first time he pulled this though. Whenever we are at home my husband and I usually like to have a date to some old spot where we dated. My brother has tried repeatedly to invite himself and even said “I just want to go there to eat” or “To watch the movies” I finally told him he was being a creep and if he wanted to go there so bad to not go with us. I am the oldest while he is the middle child and my mom has indulged him way too much because of how he gripes about being forgotten. He needs to stop. You are right too, if my mom wants him to go to Germany so bad she could pay for him to go and his hotel. I am not going to fund his entitlement.
Post # 8
Member
797 posts
Busy bee
Doralise: Good for you! You sound so much stronger in that last post 🙂 That is kind of weird that he’d want to tag along to your romantic outings like that, though. There’s only myself and my sister (who’s older, by the way) so while I get the gist of the “middle-child syndrome” I haven’t experienced it first-hand. Did you talk to them yet and make it clear that he will not be going on your vacataion? Let me know how it went/goes! Why can’t he just plan his own vacations? Is it just so he can mooch off you?
And I re-read my post so I just have to clarify that I love my sister dearly. She is a wonderful person and so very compassionate. She just can’t handle money or adult things (like following up with important documents and appointments) very well because my parents let her sit back and relax while they did everything for her.
Post # 9
Member
841 posts
Busy bee
Doralise: Just say no and stop discussing it.
Post # 10
Member
112 posts
Blushing bee
Thanks everyone for your advice and understanding. I think what is irritating is that I say “No, thats not a good idea” or even change the subject and he started cussing me out! I don’t know if he meant it jokingly or not but it angers me.Of course, my say is the final say but I am afraid I will feel guilty and give in and that makes me mad at myself. Not only that but he keeps insisting that he will go. I don’t like the way he disrespects me or my home and apparently when I came back home for a visit he was making comments to my husband about coming back to our place (we live 5000) and was actually pressuring my husband! Finally, he turned to my brother and told him to back off and to think of how he was pressuring others to take him in.
Post # 11
Member
110 posts
Blushing bee
how old is your brother? In high school?!
Post # 12
Member
4040 posts
Honey bee
I would guess that you have to lower your expectations, for your brother’s behavior, in the life-long scheme of things. My brother in law was always been self-centered and still is (in his 50s). He didn’t even have the courtesy of RSVPing, to his niece’s/my daughter’s wedding. He didn’t even acknowledge that it happened (no congratulatory e-mail). Some people think the universe revolves around them and their frequently dysfunctional families. It’s a narcissistic sense of entitlement.
Post # 13
Member
112 posts
Blushing bee
He’s 21 years old and unfortunately this behavior has been allowed for years. My mom will still stick up for him even if he upsets myself or my other siblings.
Post # 14
Member
375 posts
Helper bee
:O
If a grown man wants to visit Germany and has a passport, ticket and hotel money, he can go without bothering his married sister about it!
If a married couple want to visit Paris, they don’t need input from mom, brother, sister or anyone else.
I don’t think it would be weird for two siblings to coordinate a vacation together; I would love it if my siblings and I could all afford to travel together, but it would be a perk, not a requirement.
If your brother & mom get upset at you, so be it. They have to learn sometime that you are not Sister Moneybags TravelAgent.
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