(Closed) Brother getting engaged, don't know what to think

posted 4 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1853 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Severals years ago, I was the younger girl in a similar scenario with a guy who was 10 years older. You can always hope she’ll say no. In my case, I knew better than to go with it when my awful ex proposed. At her age, and at this point in the relationship (several months), she might not be serious about him for the long term at all. 

ETA: If she does say yes, I would butt out and see what happens. They might not make it to a wedding, but if they do, it might work out after all. If not, they will both learn a lesson. It’s not your place to worry about their distant future at this point, unless he becomes abusive toward her. 

Post # 4
Member
4803 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

If they’ve been dating for 6 months, I really wouldn’t waste your time worrying about a proposal he’s planning for 4 months from now – at this point, who knows if they’ll even be together then. And even if it happens and she does say yes, what with the relationship being a secret, her being a teenager, and the problems he has, I kind of doubt the wedding would be happening anytime soon,

Post # 7
Member
1853 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@newlynesting:  Gotcha. Can you try to befriend her so you could keep a closer eye on her well-being? How long ago was this abuse? Did he ever get seriously in trouble for it? I guess I’m asking if there is any chance he has completely reformed and seen the error of his ways. 

You shouldn’t ignore your gut feeling on this. I was only rescued from my abuser because a police officer pulled up to us while we were walking along (after a particularly brutal night), for no reason than just to ask if everything is fine. Someone’s random hunch made all the difference for me. 

Post # 8
Member
1673 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@Taeyers:  +1 on your first post!

I was also going to suggest befriending her to keep an eye on things, you beat me to it! Great advice. As much as is practical, without sacrificing your peace and safety. I too have a formerly abusive brother and I need to keep my distance.

Post # 11
Member
1673 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@newlynesting:  Me too, only here and with fi. My mom downplays the way my older brother was when we were growing up too. My younger bro and I both avoid him. He used to beat us up all the time. He is 3 years older than me and was large for his age. I remember my mom keeping all the kitchen knives in a locked toolbox, so I’m not exaggerating his level of violence in my head. Shit. 

He’s not like that anymore, but it was more us getting too big to bully so much than he got better. He did actually get better later when he couldn’t get away with it any more. He apologized last year, but I won’t ever ever feel safe around him. So we’re cordial.

I really hope your possibly future sister in law will be ok. Hopefully your mom at least heard you and will notice any red flags. Maybe she’ll just say no and you won’t have to worry.

One more thought: Maybe she has diligent and caring parents, based on the secrecy of their relationship before. Maybe they will be watching, and she cares what they think. So she might not be so isolated.

Anyways, hugs!

Post # 14
Member
1673 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@newlynesting:  Thanks. 🙂 Yes, it was definitely good to hear. 

Omg yes, I can’t blame you for wanting him to stay the heck away from your family. Ugh! 

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