(Closed) Brother gives me an ultimatum… (long)

posted 6 years ago in Family
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  • Post # 3
    Member
    3303 posts
    Sugar bee

    I would invite her there. It is your wedding and you want her there to share your day. This isn’t your brothers show.

    Post # 4
    Member
    2254 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2012

    Honestly, I think you should invite anyone you want to. If that includes your former sister-in-law, that’s a choice you and your Fiance should make, not your brother. He chose to end his relationship with her. That does not mean he can dictate to you the extent of your relationship with his ex-wife, especially since you have permanent ties to her through your niece and nephew. As your mom said it, he needs to grow up.

    Post # 5
    Member
    986 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

    There are family members that I have chosen not to invite as they have upset my sister.  I have to respect that.  One is an aunt and uncle of my deceased father.   Fair enough, they have issues between them.  I chose to support my sister.  My Mom isn’t happy but she will get over it.

    Post # 6
    Member
    1627 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: November 2012

    I can understand your bro being uncomfortable with this.  I voted “no.”  And normally I’m the totally opposite (I’m actually inviting both of my exes to the wedding; one of whom I dated for 5 years and we broke up 3 years ago and have both moved on and are friends). But if Fiance was upset by this, there’d be no discussion; as there really shouldn’t with your bro either unless you are close with ex-wife.  But clearly both of them have moved on and it makes your brother uncomfortable.  If he was so excited before, but not now, you can see the affect it has had.  He has a new wife and you said you are not close with and barely see the old one.  So why make him feel uncomfortable at an event he is so happy to be apart of?  Would you really be hurt if she didn’t come/wasn’t invited, or is it truly more of a pride thing where you want to invite who you want to the wedding?

    Post # 8
    Member
    1629 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: February 2012

    My dad didn’t want my mom at mine… lol.

    I would say yes, invite the ex-wife. If your brother cannot deal with her being there then that truly does just not resonate with me. I’m not saying what I would do is the right thing to do, just that I would do it.

    He will have your whole family there as well as his new wife. If you and your brother have mutual friends, then they will be there to support him also. There is no reason for the two of them to talk. I would invite them both, let him know that you have, and let him think on it on his own.

    Post # 9
    Member
    1627 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: November 2012

    @mugglewedding1020:  Truthfully, I appreciate your insight as well.  Fiance and I struggled with our parents and them getting their guest lists down (to under 250 between them…yes, no more comment on that, wink wink).  So I know how you feel about being upset on other’s opinions on who, in their minds, you “can” or “cannot” invite to YOUR wedding.  I would probably give a different opinion if you were close with his ex-wife but, if you are not, then it might be one of those “pick your battles…is it worth the fight and hurt feelings” thing with your brother?  Only you know the effect it will have; but ultimately, I agree it is your decision. 

    Post # 10
    Member
    1778 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: August 2010

    In my opinion, absolutely NO ONE but you and your fiance have a right to any say in who is invited unless there is a real legitimate reason.  And by that I mean some type of abuse (emotional or physical or whatnot) or something on an equivalent level.  Being uncomfortable or not liking someone is not a good enough reason for me.  If someone truly loves and supports you, they should be able to put aside their own drama for one day and be there for you.  If they can’t do that, then there is something seriously wrong. If you want someone there and there is no REAL reason for them not to be… then invite them.

    Post # 11
    Member
    399 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    Invite her and see what happens. At the end of the day she may no come. Also I doubt your brother is going to miss your wedding.

    Post # 12
    Member
    2605 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: October 2010

    I’m kind of with MadTownGirl in the sense that it is YOUR family function and, to be blunt, his ex-wife is no longer really part of the family. In that sense, if I were your bro’s ex, I wouldn’t even expect you to invite me and my new husband to the wedding and I certainly wouldn’t be hurt or offended if you didn’t–provided that we weren’t best friends outside of your brother. It’s great that you have a good relationship with her, but honestly, it sounds like she’s moved on and is probably happy for you, but doesn’t need to be there in person. 

    As for your brother, he did overreact, and I think it’s acceptable to call him on it. You can tell him that you respect his position, but that it hurts you that he would automatically put his resentment towards her over his love for you. Tell him that you would have appreciated him explaining how he felt and that you don’t mind (that is, if you’re okay with not inviting her) accomodating his preferences, but it didn’t have to come to ultimatums and fights. 

    And on a separate note, it’s also really good for his kids to see that their aunt has a good relationship with their mother. 

    Post # 13
    Member
    159 posts
    Blushing bee

    I wonder if its just the fact that she will be there, or is he embarassed/scared she will make a scene?

    If it is the latter, is there someone who knows your brother well who will be at the at the wedding and can reassure him now that if something happens, that it will be taken care of swiftly and accurately ?

     

    Otherwise  it reminds me of a little kid on the playground who doesnt like so and so and thinks all the other kids should not like them either – this situation stinks for you!

    Post # 15
    Member
    159 posts
    Blushing bee

    If that could be the case –  I wonder if he wouldnt mind her being invited if he was reassured that if something happens, it will be dealt with in his and his new wife’s favor. Sometimes fear of what could happen makes people goofy – and I bet he probably wouldnt have such an issue with her coming if his new wife was okay on it – esp. since they both have  moved on to new partners and new lives, right…!?

    Is there someone in your family who he trusts that could talk to him and find out exactly why he is so concerned – and reassure him that he would come first ?

    Post # 16
    Member
    10367 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2010

    If he can’t be in the same room with her, how do they coparent?!

    Is he afraid that he would be stuck at the same table as her, to keep him with the kids?

    Honestly, I think you shouldn’t invite her if it is such a huge issue. You will be so busy that you hardly get to speak with her, so there’s no real gain for you. You will hurt your brother and just cause drama.

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