Brother in Law is cheating on the sister i love most

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
2166 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

This sounds like a really unfortunate situation. I’m sorry for the loss of your brother and I can understand wanting to help and protect your sister. 

Ultimately, you can give her your perspective and advice, but she’s going to have to make the choice to leave. I think she needs to understand that she is being treated poorly and just because they are married doesn’t negate the fact he is treating her poorly. She deserves better and sometimes those in these situations don’t think that they do and they need people around them to build them up and tell them they are worth more. You can be that person for your sister. I’m sorry she’s going through this. 

Post # 3
Member
530 posts
Busy bee

lumien :  I’m a little unclear about one thing. Does your sister know about his cheating? Could you clarify this please?

You wrote, “I could never tell her this.” Do you mean tell her about the cheating or tell her that she loves him more than he loves her (the sentence before that)?

Is your question regarding whether you should tell her about the cheating or is it whether you should urge her to get a divorce (and she’s already aware of the cheating)?

Post # 4
Member
5827 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

lumien :   he does come from a dysfunctional family. 2 of his brothers have mental illness (diagnosed) and his little sister is the brattiest most suicidal person in the world. she has no friends and everyone knows she is mental. 

 

Wow. This is a really rude comment.

It’s hard to have sympathy for you when you let parts of your personality slip out like that. 

 

You are way too involved, you shouldn’t be crying for three days over your sisters marriage. 

Does she know he cheated? Why would you have to be the one suggesting divorce? 

Post # 5
Member
2108 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

lumien :  of course you aren’t crazy for wanting the best for your sister. I understand how frustrating your position is but she needs to decide to leave. If you want her to leave and stay gone, then the decision needs to come from her. Obviously you can tell her she deserves better but she needs to be in the right mindset to actually believe you and act on it. It’s frustrating and unfortunate but you need to support your sister and hope she comes to this realisation herself. Show her how great she is, remind her constantly. Ask if she thinks she deserves this sort of treatment. When she’s ready to leave be there with a place to stay (if you can) and support her when she needs to be strong.

Post # 7
Member
1243 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

zzar45 :  I agree.  Putting down others who have mental illness is a terrible reflection on you.  Additionally, how is it you know about his involvement with prostitutes and other women but his own wife does not?  Stop building up the drama and tell your sister what you think is going on.  Your judgments and decision making sounds impaired. 

Post # 8
Member
3028 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

You aren’t crazy for wanting your sister to leave him. She should. Her husband is disgusting. However, you can’t make that choice for her. Since you both are close, and it sounds like she confides in you, I would be honest with how you feel to her and give your advice (aka divorce). Then you have to step back and allow her to make her own choices. 

Also, realize you’re upset with him and his family’s treatment. However, it’s not okay to belittle someone with mental illness especially suicidal tendencies. You don’t know his sister’s full story, what she’s struggling with, and, regardless, you shouldn’t be saying nasty things about her. 

After you’ve said what you need to say to your sister, you need to pull yourself back and reevaluate how involved in all of this you are. Whatever your sister decides, that’s her decision and, after giving her your perspective, she needs to stop getting you involved in every aspect of it especially if she’s choosing to stay in it.

 

Post # 11
Member
2113 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

lumien :  if he has cheated with so many women, you’re crying for days about your sister’s marriage with her, and she has stated she wants a divorce but “wants your reassurance,  why is it difficult for you to agree? Do YOU think she should get a divorce from this awful cheater? Regardless of what you say or think it is her choice at the end of the day. 

Post # 12
Member
5025 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2017

It seems clear that your Brother-In-Law is a lousy husband and I am not sure why your sister remains married to him when he is a serial cheater.  Since the writing is on the wall at this point it is up to your sister to choose happiness by making the necessary changes in her life.  This would involve immediately cease trying to conceive and separate from her husband.

With that said it really bothers me that you casually mention the mental illness on his side of the family as if that is a contributing factor to why he is a bad person or not good enough for your sister.  In my opinion its irrelevant and your comments are insensitive to those who do struggle with such. 

Post # 13
Member
1689 posts
Bumble bee

You’re going to have to be the strong one for your sister. She’s in need of a rock to grasp onto, so be that rock. 

It will be tough, but you have to be brutally honest with her. Be honest. Tell her everything…the facts, sans judgment. If she tries to explain it all away, don’t let her. Tell her she deserves more than a deadbeat husband who makes her feel like shit and holds her out as as such to the world. Tell her she deserves more than to be exposed to Save-The-Date Cards and HIV from his whoring ways.

Cry with her when she needs it, but hold her up while you do it. Dont say you don’t know what to do.  You do. Offer her a place to stay if it means she can get out of that house.

Your parents need to also be strong. Rally as a family and toss that jackass to the curb. 

Anyone who tells you it’s not your business must not have a close relationship with a sibling, especially after a loss like you have had. It IS your business. You are her sister and she had come to you for help. 

It will get better. Be strong for her.

Post # 14
Member
59 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I’m bipolar and anyone who thinks that automatically makes me a bad person can go to hell. 

Post # 15
Member
8 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Clearly this man is not capable of being faithful to her, which puts her into a situation where she can be further victimized by catching something from him that he brought home during one of his play nights.  That is not husband material. That is not father material.

Only she can decide when and if she wants to leave him.  It doesn’t matter what anyone else wants her to do, or thinks about his behaviors. Because ultimately, this is a marriage decision and not a sister decision. Anything you want to tell her, she already knows.

Your question, “should I tell here/I can’t telll her….that he doesn’t love her as much as she loves him” seems overtly cruel. You have no idea how much or how little he loves her.  Only that he’s a cheater, which means he loves himself more than anyone else.  He could, in fact, love her in “his” way.  And that means nothing, because no one deserves that kind of secondary “love.”

You don’t get to make her choices for her, and slinging hurts at her won’t help. You get to be there for her to defend and protect her if she chooses to need those things. So concentrate on listening to her.  Remind her that he has not changed and perpetually is engaging in the same risky behavior. Ask her if having a baby at this moment is so important to her that she wants the father to be THIS man, who treats her so badly and could keep her trapped in her pain once the baby arrived.  Honestly, NOW is the PERFECT time to leave because she does not have a child.

Crying about it helplessly, while attacking his family’s mental health, and saying that you want to tell her (but can’t) that he doesn’t love her reads a little like you’re one of those people who live for drama and judgment.  Step away from those thoughts and focus on supporting whatever emotions your sister has about this.  

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