Honestly after reading about her behavior I wanted to reply here to really caution you about marrying her. At least without really getting to the bottom of her behavior.
If you really want to make it work you both need to see a couples therapist ASAP. Like this week. Call some places and find someone to see. You need to know if this is the kind of person she is, and if this is how she will continue to act. Only seeing a therapist together will help you answer this question as it seems on your own you aren’t able to see her behavior for what it is, A GIANT RED FLAG.
I am currently dating a guy who was married for under a year. His ex-wife did not want to spend time with his family, was very spoiled and wanted everything her way. She also randomly dis invited people from their wedding for no reason. His family is AMAZING and I can’t believe she wouldn’t like them. They have been nothing but sweet and inclusive to me from the beginning. Now that I have been dating him a while I have heard from them about her attitude. And I can tell you it is simply not worth it to marry someone who is going to want to hurt your family when they are perfectly lovely.
As a woman I can tell you without a doubt that your fiance is not a good choice for a wife. Yes I can understand she would be jealous that your brother is getting married before her. That is an emotion I understand. (personally even though i know its nuts, i want to be the woman who gives my boyfriends family the first grandkid and we aren’t even engaged yet lol) So I understand having weird jealousy things surrounding weddings and kids etc. But your fiance is taking it a step further. To want to hurt someone and hold a grudge is just the biggest red flag about her.
There are going to be many situations in your life as a couple where you both have to navigate weird family situations. These boards are full of mother in law situations involving babies, weddings etc. So even in the best circumstances and when both families are wonderful people there will be miscommunications and things that you and your fiance are going to have to deal with, with grace and love.
Can you imagine having kids with this woman? What if your parents some how accidently offend her, or she thinks they are spending more time with your brothers kids than hers? Will she try to cut your parents off from visiting their grand kid? What if your brother announces him and his wife are pregnant and your wife refuses to go to their baby shower etc. because she is jealous she wanted to have the first baby, or because you two are trying and they got pregnant first? What if your wife doesn’t want to spend Christmas with your family? So your kids don’t get to spend Christmas with their grandparents? Do you really want to spend your life with a woman who keeps you away from your bother, and family? I can’t imagine how horrible that would be. I love my boyfriend’s family and as a 34 year old woman I totally can see how hard it would be to spend a lifetime with someone who didn’t want to be around my family, or I around theirs. At my age I also now realize that my fondest memories of my life so far are those magical weekends, and trips with my family and extended family. I can’t imagine not having that in my life.
I could go on and on. But seriously dude, you should be taking this behavior very seriously. And you really have nothing to lose here by standing up to her about this. Worst case scenario is, you say to her, well my brother will be in our wedding period. She says, fine its over im breaking up with you. Now do you really want to marry a woman who cares so little for you that she is willing to dump you over that? If she does dump you than you are rid of a horrible person and dodged a bullet. So you have nothing to lose by speaking up for yourself. Her dad issues are 100% not an excuse. Trust me as a woman I can tell you she is using that as an excuse. It is not legit and she knows it.
If you want to try to make it work and have a happy marriage get yourselves in to see a couples therapist now. Because this marriage is serious, you may love her but love is the easy part. The hard part is making sure you marry someone who is good, and kind, and understanding. Marry someone who makes your life easier, and more wonderful. Someone who is doing the opposite isn’t ready to be a wife, or a mother, or quite frankly in a realationship.
You may think everyone on here is being dramatic about not marrying her because of this. But her behavior is not normal, and it will continue in other ways. It seems like a one off issue now but what everyone on here is seeing that you aren’t is that this incident speaks to her character as a person. This behavior is not the behavior of someone with a good moral center, a kind person, an understanding person. Take a good hard look at her and really see how ugly this behavior is. This is not the behavior of someone who understands that love is selfless, if she really loved you in a forever way in a mature way she would never want to do anything to hurt you or your family. She might love you but I gurantee she doesn’t love you enough to stick with you through thick and thin.