Brother just picked date 2 months before mine…not happy

posted 2 years ago in Engagement
Post # 166
Member
766 posts
Busy bee

OP I think you need to grow up and be a functioning adult here instead of an adolescent who can’t stand up for themselves. Also the latest questions you are asking are completely childish. Essentially you have allowed your fiancée to drag you down to her childish level. 

Your fiancée is being ridiculous and even worse is now driving a pretty big wedge between you and your family (which is a shame because you sound very close with them).

If you don’t wise up pretty quickly and stand up to her you are likely going to do irreparable harm to your relationship with your family. 

The advice here (from people who don’t know you as you have asked for) has been pretty clear so I’m not going to repeat it as it’s obviously falling on deaf ears.

If you’re not going to listen to pretty sound and clear advice I guess the question for you now is which relationship is more important to you – your fiancée or your family and brothers… as this is the way this is ultimately going to end up. So get ready to either make that choice yourself or have it made for your by her or them. Either way you are going to be the one that ends up out in the cold here if you don’t grow a set and stop allowing her to manipulate you like this and being COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY RIDICULOUS.

Good luck to you..

Post # 167
Member
13 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2020

You should focus on your future and what you want from the relationship. When you two have children is she going to prevent them from knowing their uncle because of any form of petty drama. Families have ups and downs, if she is going to be apart of your family she needs to be willing to ride out the waves just as she is with her own family. My SO and I have been together for almost 4 years, just ordered our engagement ring last week and his Bestfriend (who has been with his SO all of 6 months) is now wanting to pop the question to his Girlfriend. Do we care? Absolutely not, this has no effect on our commitment or happiness with each other and will not effect our relationships with our friends in anyway shape or form. 

Post # 168
Member
1275 posts
Bumble bee

So what happens when your family and friends start having children? Is she going to demand everyone put their life on hold until she can get pregnant? Will your children not be able to see their cousins because they did something before your children did? Where is the line here? This whole situation is insane and you indulging in her antics is not doing her or the relationship with your family any favors. 

Post # 169
Member
788 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

My ex-fi and I broke up (12 years ago) because his crazy mother hated me (for no justifiable reason) and threatened/manipulated him in all sorts of ways until he had a nervous breakdown and gave in. He gave in even though all his friends, and his own father, thought his mother was being crazy. And, the last I heard, he was still very unhappy. It’s very sad.

Assuming that everything you’ve said is true, why would you choose to drop your brother, who hasn’t done anything other than live his own life, and who loves you, in favour of your fi who is a) forcing you to choose between her and other people you love (an utterly hateful thing to do), and b) who everyone else who loves you (including her own family!) thinks is in the wrong?! Someone who loves you wouldn’t threaten you like this and cut you off from people you love, who have done nothing wrong.

When I was younger, I used to think that engagement was a promise that had to be honoured. I admire your commitment. But engagement is NOT the same as marriage for a reason. Many people (sensibly) do marriage prep during this time, which is a serious chance to look at deep and important issues that will affect the success of the marriage. If you find something during engagement that means your marriage is likely to fail, which you didn’t know about before, then I think it’s foolish to continue to drive forwards towards your own unhappiness.

Post # 170
Member
7311 posts
Busy Beekeeper

View original reply
bobtref3 :  Should I really have gone ballistic on my brother for saying this is a red flag?

Your brother is right and your fiancée sounds like a psycho bitch from hell. We’ll usually tell someone that yes, their Fiance or wife/husband should come first but not when that person is so incredibly in the wrong. If you continue in this relationship you have a glimpse of what you are signing up for–and it’s not a long and happy life together. 

Post # 171
Member
1635 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2016

I think, if you’ve been reading the responses on here thus far, that the consensus has been pretty clear. Your fiance has been unreasonable. Rather than realize she overreacted, she has doubled down and is trying to exclude your family. If, after all this time, you cannot see how unreasonable and controlling she has been, then this is on you. She has moved to exclude your family- your own family! Despite your feelings! Do you really want to live your life with someone like this?

Post # 172
Member
457 posts
Helper bee

She doesn’t care about anyone but herself and being the center of attention and getting her pretty princess day. If she truly loved you she wouldn’t be trying to destroy your relationship with your family like this. Why would you want to commit to spending your life with such a horrible person?

Post # 173
Member
9052 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

View original reply
bobtref3 :  You really should take a visit to a therapist on your own and tell them this story and show them this thread. 

Are you sure you aren’t confusing fear with love? Because you often sound a bit like abuse victims who justify the horrid behaviours of their abuser. Just take the example of her making you call your brother, have you listen while she degrades your brother by saying “I will allow you to come to the wedding but you will not be bob’s bestman” and then gets angry when he rightly points out her behaviour and then gaslights you into believing she is the victim and you are in the wrong for not yelling at your brother. That is some serious controlling behaviour right there.

Also walking away from a manipulative and abusive partner is not giving up. It is being strong and not giving up on yourself and your happiness. 

Do yourself a favour and get help before you get trapped in this cycle of abuse. Because if you do nothing now and just go along appeasing her then she will know she has the control and this behaviour will not stop at your wedding.

 

Post # 174
Member
1468 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - City, State

Have a chat with her and (politely) tell her she needs to get a grip.  It’s super rude of your brother, yes.  But in the end, she’s still marrying you and that’s what should matter.  I’d bitch about it for a minute for sure, but she’s taking it way too far with that threat.

Post # 175
Member
1050 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

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bobtref3 :  I can’t believe this thread is 2 months old! How is your daily life? Is this/she worth it?

Post # 176
Member
1681 posts
Bumble bee

Jesus. If you were my brother and you spoke to me like that and then allowed your deranged Fiance to speak to me like that then I would tell you to quite literally go fuck yourselves. Shame on you. You are destroying a family over petty bullshit. Just stop. How would you feel if the tables were turned? Seriously think about that.

Post # 177
Member
614 posts
Busy bee

This thread is seriously making me want to bang my head on my computer. I don’t normally advocate for posters to break up with their SO’s but I’m baffled how you can acknolwedge all of the things we’re saying are HUGE red flags, yet continue to go along with her craziness.

This woman is a problem. She’s self-centered and manipulative. She will do anything to get her way. Right now, she is holding your wedding hostage. Next it will be your kids. You are in for a lifetime of strained relations (not just with your family but with friends and whoever else she has a grudge against at the moment).

In my mind, this is your course of action. You stand up to her and tell her in no uncertain terms your brother WILL be your best man. That her behavior surrounding this situation has been absurd and embarassing and that after she apologizes profusely to your brother and family for behaving like a spoiled child, you never want to discuss it again.

If she truly loves you and wants to make the relationship work, she will do that. If she continues to push back and bully you into ruining your relationship with your brother, I truly think you need to end the relationship. How she responds to YOUR feelings in this situation will show you everything you need to know about what kind of wife and life partner she will be.

It seems like you are a nice guy who is a bit passive and she is a strong, opinionated person who railroads people. I get that you love her but that’s a horrible match of personalities. 

Post # 178
Member
1760 posts
Buzzing bee

View original reply
bobtref3 :  Honestly after reading about her behavior I wanted to reply here to really caution you about marrying her. At least without really getting to the bottom of her behavior.

If you really want to make it work you both need to see a couples therapist ASAP. Like this week. Call some places and find someone to see. You need to know if this is the kind of person she is, and if this is how she will continue to act. Only seeing a therapist together will help you answer this question as it seems on your own you aren’t able to see her behavior for what it is, A GIANT RED FLAG. 

I am currently dating a guy who was married for under a year. His ex-wife did not want to spend time with his family, was very spoiled and wanted everything her way. She also randomly dis invited people from their wedding for no reason. His family is AMAZING and I can’t believe she wouldn’t like them. They have been nothing but sweet and inclusive to me from the beginning. Now that I have been dating him a while I have heard from them about her attitude. And I can tell you it is simply not worth it to marry someone who is going to want to hurt your family when they are perfectly lovely. 

As a woman I can tell you without a doubt that your fiance is not a good choice for a wife. Yes I can understand she would be jealous that your brother is getting married before her. That is an emotion I understand. (personally even though i know its nuts, i want to be the woman who gives my boyfriends family the first grandkid and we aren’t even engaged yet lol) So I understand having weird jealousy things surrounding weddings and kids etc. But your fiance is taking it a step further. To want to hurt someone and hold a grudge is just the biggest red flag about her. 

There are going to be many situations in your life as a couple where you both have to navigate weird family situations. These boards are full of mother in law situations involving babies, weddings etc. So even in the best circumstances and when both families are wonderful people there will be miscommunications and things that you and your fiance are going to have to deal with, with grace and love. 

Can you imagine having kids with this woman? What if your parents some how accidently offend her, or she thinks they are spending more time with your brothers kids than hers? Will she try to cut your parents off from visiting their grand kid? What if your brother announces him and his wife are pregnant and your wife refuses to go to their baby shower etc. because she is jealous she wanted to have the first baby, or because you two are trying and they got pregnant first? What if your wife doesn’t want to spend Christmas with your family? So your kids don’t get to spend Christmas with their grandparents? Do you really want to spend your life with a woman who keeps you away from your bother, and family? I can’t imagine how horrible that would be. I love my boyfriend’s family and as a 34 year old woman I totally can see how hard it would be to spend a lifetime with someone who didn’t want to be around my family, or I around theirs. At my age I also now realize that my fondest memories of my life so far are those magical weekends, and trips with my family and extended family. I can’t imagine not having that in my life.

I could go on and on. But seriously dude, you should be taking this behavior very seriously. And you really have nothing to lose here by standing up to her about this. Worst case scenario is, you say to her, well my brother will be in our wedding period. She says, fine its over im breaking up with you. Now do you really want to marry a woman who cares so little for you that she is willing to dump you over that? If she does dump you than you are rid of a horrible person and dodged a bullet. So you have nothing to lose by speaking up for yourself. Her dad issues are 100% not an excuse. Trust me as a woman I can tell you she is using that as an excuse. It is not legit and she knows it. 

If you want to try to make it work and have a happy marriage get yourselves in to see a couples therapist now. Because this marriage is serious, you may love her but love is the easy part. The hard part is making sure you marry someone who is good, and kind, and understanding. Marry someone who makes your life easier, and more wonderful. Someone who is doing the opposite isn’t ready to be a wife, or a mother, or quite frankly in a realationship. 

You may think everyone on here is being dramatic about not marrying her because of this. But her behavior is not normal, and it will continue in other ways. It seems like a one off issue now but what everyone on here is seeing that you aren’t is that this incident speaks to her character as a person. This behavior is not the behavior of someone with a good moral center, a kind person, an understanding person. Take a good hard look at her and really see how ugly this behavior is. This is not the behavior of someone who understands that love is selfless, if she really loved you in a forever way in a mature way she would never want to do anything to hurt you or your family. She might love you but I gurantee she doesn’t love you enough to stick with you through thick and thin. 

Post # 179
Member
123 posts
Blushing bee

I am in a VERY similar situation to yours – minus the whole threatening to leave if we attend another wedding. 

 

We got engaged 4 months before 1 sibiling and 8 months before another. Yet, we are getting married next year and so are the 2 other sibilings. ALL within 2 WEEKS of each other. Crazy? Yes. Am I happy with it? Heck No. Will I have a heard time knowing everyone will be comparing weddings next year? Yes. But we will be attending them because we dont have much of a choice.

 

It’s very stressful knowing everyone will be comparing and talking about each wedding but I think doing our best to put our blind spots on and just zoom in on our own is all we can do. I don’t think this something that I will ever find funny nor great. But I want to spend all my focus on our own story.  

Post # 180
Member
6914 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

I don’t know how much clearer this can get. 12 pages of advice, all the same: DO NOT MARRY HER!!

Your fiance is awful. 

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