Post # 1
I really need advice on what to say to people on my wedding day about my brother. I haven’t invited him as he’s only ever caused me pain. My family supports and agrees with this decision but I’m just left with this stress about the wedding day. If people ask innocently “hey where is your brother??” I don’t want to have to say that he’s not invited and then there’s this heavy moment and I feel down about it. I really just wish I had a loving brother that would be there so this really upsets me to have to deal with comments on the day ontop of feeling down about the situation. Any advice? Any ways to curve the convo so it stays happy and doesn’t go weird?
Post # 2
Honestly , I doubt anyone is going to ask, there will be so many people there and unless you are having a very small wedding, your time with each person attending will be very limited.
Should it come up though, it is sufficient to say he could not be there, then switch the topic by asking a question about their lives or family.
Post # 2
We had some missing people at our wedding- not a single guest asked me about it. I don’t think you have to worry, although I had the same anxiety.
Additionally, if people ask, it is often that they are just wondering if the person is there and they’ve missed seeing them- so, if you get asked- and, I don’t think you will- I’d just say “he was unable to be here, but I’m so glad you came. Are you enjoying yourself?”.
Enjoy your wedding!
Post # 3
I think we posted at the same time! Great advice! 😊
Post # 5
My brother wasn’t at my wedding – nobody asked about it. A simple “he couldn’t be here. Are you having a good day?” Should cover it. Any relatives you think might bring it up, you can tell them in advance if you’re worried.
Post # 6
The way to treat this kind of thing is like a diplomat or politician.
If anyone asks, say “Oh he couldn’t make it.” that is it. If they press to know why not, say “oh you know him” or “I don’t know”.
Then, ask them something about themselves, something as simple as “how was your trip here?” Even if it was a 5 minute drive, or a 2000 mile flight. Or, “how do you like your new car?” or anything you know about, about them, to change the subject.
You should be home free then, people love talking about themselves. This is standard advice for dealing with uncomfortable inquiries, if there is something else tailored to the person speaking, you would know that.
Post # 7
I doubt anyone will ask. I don’t plan on inviting my sister to my wedding because she’s a horrible person with a violent temper and I hate her. I haven’t seen or spoken to her in 15 years, so I don’t think anyone expects me to invite her. She wasn’t at my Bat Mitzvah 20 years ago either because she was in a residential treatment center for “troubled teens” at the time. I was so glad she wasn’t there because she ruined my brother’s Bar Mitzvah 2 years prior to that. I don’t think anyone asked about her, but if they had, I would have told them the truth.
If you want to avoid any awkward conversations, if anyone asks, just say “he couldn’t be here” with a smile. If you want to let people know that you’re not bothered by his absence, you could always add something like “It’s probably for the best, he doesn’t do well at family events.” That way, you’d avoid people giving you a sympathetic reaction, like “Oh no, that’s terrible he couldn’t make it to your wedding, you must be devastated.” As long as you say it in a lighthearted way with a smile, people should understand that it’s not a problem for you.
Post # 8
I disagree that people will not ask. Inevitably, someone will. That said, “he couldn’t be here” is the right answer. I don’t think any extraneous comments are necessary or desirable. If pressed, just say it was an unavoidable conflict and change the subject.
Post # 9
Yes, you never know, some people might ask. Just simply answer he can’t make it, I do think most people won’t dig too much on your wedding day to give you a hard time
Post # 10
- Wedding: February 2018 - UK
I had lots of people in the run up to my wedding ask whether my dad would be invited (long story, but suffice it to say he’s not a nice person and we haven’t spoken in over 20 years). I always just answered with “No”, and if they pressed further I just said “I don’t want him there”. Normally that made people feel awkward enough that they didn’t ask any more questions!
Post # 11
My mum wasn’t invited to my wedding and probably only around 30% of the guests knew why. No one asked me so don’t stress, I think it’s unlikely anyone will ask.
If they do, there’s no need to say he wasn’t invited. Just say “unfortunately he was unable to make it” and change the subject or use your bride card as an excuse to go and check on something or move on to another guest.
Post # 12
I doubt anyone will ask. But if they do, just tell them he couldn’t make it. Short and sweet. Don’t let his absence get you down day of!
Post # 13
DH chose not to invite his only sibling to our wedding because his brother is an alcoholic and at the time of our wedding they weren’t speaking.
DH got some grief from his parents about his decision but they let it go before our wedding. I don’t think a single guest asked DH about his brother. It is possible that his parents told their side beforehand and few people on my side even knew he had a brother. It wound up not being a big deal at all and it was a relief to DH to not have to worry about his brother’s behavior at the wedding.