(Closed) Brother stealing the spotlight

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
3942 posts
Honey bee

Well, regarding helping his fiance plan her wedding, I would probably decline. I know planning my wedding felt like a full time job at times (on top of my real full time job) and there was no way I could have found the time to help someone else plan their day.

Have they actually booked anything yet? It sounds like this is getting planned very quickly and they may end up having a small affair. Give it some time and see what happens.

Post # 4
2622 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I do think it is selfish to ask him to wait to get married. 3 months apart is plenty of time for you both to have your days and events. 

However, you are right to not want to share your theme/colors. I would say you are happy to help her, but would like both weddings to have a different feel. 

Post # 5
4376 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@sunshinegurl17:  I don’t think you can ask him to wait, but you can definitely say that you are so busy with planning that you won’t have time to help his Fiance much.  Also, you can restrict what details you share with him and his Fiance.

As for your family, they already have your Save-The-Date Cards and may be planning to travel/take time off accordingly.  Also, if they just went to another wedding of your brother’s a year ago, they might decide to attend yours if they have to pick one.

Just be happy for your brother (hopefully this marriage works out better – he seems a bit impetuous) and know that it will all work out in the end.

Post # 6
6830 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

Your brother is no way shape or form stealing your “spotlight”. You get 1 day that is it. Your brother gets 1 day, so yeah 3 months apart weddings is nothing.

As for helping the bride to be, I would decline, she can ask her friends and family since you are planing your own wedding

Post # 7
1935 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

@sunshinegurl17:  Hmm… what a sticky situation! As far as the guest go, I wouldn’t worry too much. They’ve likely booked their flights and hotels, and will probably decide to forego your brother’s wedding (particularly if they went to his first one.) In any case, it sounds like they are not too far into their planning, and will need more time to secure dates and venues, and most people will already have made their arrangements. They’ll just have to decide if they want to make another trip!

As far as helping his Fiance plan their wedding, I’d be nice, answer simple questions, but don’t go on venue visits or dress shopping. You’ll be busy enough with planning your own wedding, and you’re not under any obligation to be HER planner (unless she’s paying you, that is!) But don’t be rude… gracefully decline or excuse yourself from discussions. 

Post # 8
183 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I dunno, if my brother was going through smth like this, I would be concerned for him, not about the spotlight issues…

Post # 9
4803 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I feel for your situation OP, but really hate the term ‘stealing the spotlight’ – you will both have the spotlight on your own wedding day. There really is no spotlight to be stolen three months before your wedding. And if there was, someone who has already been married and divorced in the last year and has spent only a couple of weeks with his new Fiance would have a hard time taking any spotlight from you anyways, you already sent out Save-The-Date Cards, have been with your Fiance for a long time, and didn’t just get divorced

Honestly, I’d be most concerned about the fact that your brother is about to jump into marriage with someone he has only spent two weeks with when he just got divorced! I’d be surprised if the wedding ends up happening considering all that. But if it does and his bride does try to style their wedding just like yours, when theirs is happening first…yeah, then I’d be annoyed! I would tell your brother that you’re really busy planning your wedding and that you’ve reconsidered and realize it was wrong to ask him to wait until after your wedding just because you’ve been engaged longer, but you’ve been planning your wedding details for some time and it would really sting to have him and his Fiance take all of your ideas and things you like and use them first, and that you know obviously all weddings have some of the same elements and will overlap a bit, but your colors and the little details you’ve been working so hard on are important and meaningful to you, and you really hate the idea of it being copied for his wedding. I can hardly see him arguing about their right to use the same colors and details if you can muster up a true apology about asking him to wait until after your wedding – because that was wrong, it would be one thing if you said it out of concern that he was rushing, but you’re just concerned about your spotlight.

Post # 10
11270 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

i wouldn’t worry about it too much.  3 months before yours is a long separation.  by that time, guests would have forgotten about it.

perhaps, if he is in the military, this is the only time that he and his fi are able to get married.  is he deployed or going to be?

as for helping the other bride, why not?  if you have the time and you enjoy her company, why not?  it’s a nice way to really get to know her.  think of it this way, all of the ideas that you had but decided against, she can do them now.  it might also allow you a good test run for your own wedding.  if she is a sincere person, i’m sure she will give you credit for all of your good ideas.

Post # 11
577 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

My likely comments about “stealing the spotlight” have already been echoed by other Bees, so I’ll jump right into your question about planning.


I think it might be a good idea in your case to help with planning a bit, or at least to make some suggestions. You could maybe put together a pin board and send it to your brother’s Fiance with a theme and colors that are completely different from yours, but cohesive and tasteful. Then perhaps she will be enamored with that enough that you don’t have to worry about her wedding looking too much like yours. If you’re doing pommanders, send her pins of bows. If you’re doing blue, send her a scheme that’s pink, etc.


Post # 14
5423 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2012

I wont comment on the whole “spotlight” thing but in regards to the planning, say no.  She wants your wedding and wants you to plan it too?  Not happening.  Plus its a lot of work to plan one let alone two.  You will grind your teeth at every decision made/vendor booked.

Post # 15
3339 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013 - Rhode Island

You can’t expect them to plan their lives around you.  If they want to get married 3 months before you, they have every right to.  I don’t see why it would take anything away from your wedding.

If you’re worried his fiance will steal all your ideas and make a copycat wedding, then you should help her plan just so you can steer her away from the things you’re actually doing.  And whatever you do, don’t share what you’re doing with her!  She may be copying it out of laziness to come up with her own ideas.  You could test that.  Say your color scheme is something different and see if she wants that now too.

Post # 16
6222 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House

Do they already know all the details of your wedding? If not I would either change my vision to something even better or make sure they say safely away from the two of them

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