Brother taking advantage of father

posted 2 months ago in Emotional
Post # 2
5193 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

cherrymerlot :  you said they haven’t been stopped yet, do you mean they haven’t been signed yet? Would their combined income qualify for that kind of mortgage, could they be denied?

I would be furious. Talk to you dad, have a heart to heart and tell him how concerned you are about this, ask if he understands that he will be on the hook for the mortgage payments. Explain your concerns about your brother being irresponsible.

If that all fails, maybe talk to a lawyer about your dad signing papers and his mental state, though I have zero experience with that

As for your brother, I would definitely distance myself from him. I would not be able to be around that either

Post # 3
9024 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

It may be time to look into power of attorney (or the equivalent where you live) over your dad. In a lot of countries this could fall under elder abuse as well which may be worth looking into.

For example in my country there are laws around people (families or businesses) taking advantage of seniors or those cognatively impaired. 

Post # 4
1709 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

I’d talk to an attorney before it’s too late. 

Post # 5
391 posts
Helper bee

I’d talk to an attorney — but it would take a hell of a lot to have someone declared incompetent (as it should), and by your description, it doesn’t sound like your father would meet that standard. He is allowed to make his own choices. I’m thinking the most you can do is have a heart-to-heart with him. I’m so sorry. 

Post # 6
884 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 1983

You might also try talking to Adult Protective Services. But talking with both your father and a lawyer must be done immediately.

Post # 7
382 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

Seeing as your dad has no income other than disability can you talk to someone and see if he can be disqualified from co signing based on his income? The bank can deny the application. Is there a way to get ahold of the bank that has to approve it?

I would talk to your dad and tell him you know he is trying to do a good thing but that it is a terrible idea and he needs to tell your brother no!

Post # 8
1353 posts
Bumble bee

cherrymerlot :  oh bee, my heart goes out to you. I could have written this myself. I think the bees above have given you great advice. You’re correct, you cannot stand by and watch this happen and you should take action! 

My family is similar. Brother has 2 kids and was irresponsible with money his whole life. My dad has bailed him out quite a few times. A few years ago, my dad had 2 strokes and he was bedridden for probably 2 years. He finally got better and was able to get a basic clerical job. Once again, my brother was sleeping on his mom’s couch so my dad was sending him virtually all of his pay check even though he didbt have much money to his own name. Last January, we found out my brother conned my dad and opened up a business credit card in my dads name, ran it up 30k and then they started coming after my dad. Brother lied through his teeth saying he doesn’t know how it happened. Now that it has been resolved, we both have no intention of ever speaking to him again. 

Post # 10
92 posts
Worker bee

Based on what you wrote, it doesn’t sound like your father is fully mentally competent. People who take many medications are confused and fuzzy at times. Speak with his physician or take him to see the physican and have them do a mental status exam. They will determine if he is alert an oriented. Does anyone have financial power-of-attorney? A lawyer can create one where one of you (not your brother) can make financial decisions. I am a social worker and have seen this situation many times. This is just the beginning. Your brother will keep asking for “help” and your father will eventually run out of money for his own care and the rest of you will lose your inheritance while your brother gains. If it is still possible, I would call the mortgage company and let them know the situation. He should not be a cosinger and could lose his own home. Tell the mortgage company you don’t think your Dad is competent and you may have to sue them.

Post # 11
909 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Let us know what happened. Is it a done deal? 

I was thinking what are the consequences for your Dad if your brother cannot pay that mortgage? Let’s say your brother falls behind. Your Dad pays nothing. House goes into foreclosure. In most states bank can only take house away, they can’t come after your Dad for the money. Your Dad’s credit would be ruined, but I don’t think he would lose money.

This is off the top of my head, so if this is incorrect, then we should definitely hear from another bee who knows more about this.

Obviously if he cosigned that is a really bad move, not trying to deny that. Just trying to figure out what his options are now. And I agree that there is a good chance there will be additional attempts at financial exploitation. 

Post # 12
975 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

Bee I feel for you because I can relate

My uncle is incredibly sick as well. We have had many scares this past 12 months, much because he lost his wife 3 years ago and honestly, I just don’t think there’s much fight left in him. I feel awful.

Then you have one of his kids – who plays on his emotions constantly. Fair call she’s in a shit marriage with an abusive alcoholic (he pulled a knife on her a few Christmases ago), and they have a severely disabled daughter. But they use their daughter to get money from my uncle.

One time they begged him for $5k because they “couldn’t afford” whatever medical item they needed for their daughter. Then, a few days later they checke into the new local 5* hotel for 3 nights “because it was a really good deal”. Gross.

More recently, when my uncle was hospitalised for an infection, the husband got a valuer out to the house, to see just how much they would get if he died. Probably trying to see how many bottles of rum he could get for his buck.

Urgh. My Dad’s family is fucked up.

The way I see it, you have two options: do nothing, or speak to a lawyer. you might be able to get power of attorney over him, to prevent advantage being taken from him. Otherwise, if he is lucid and knows what he’s doing…well…there’a not much else you can do.

Oh, side note, I have an even better example of this happening – FI’s uncle lived at home with his Mum his whole life – literally never moved out. Total low life bum who lives on benefits and has never worked a day in his life. When she got sick, she put her will together, dividing all her assets ($30k + the house) between the three kids. 

Just before she died (like within 14 days), he convinced her to change her will and leave the house to him, PLUS a split of the $30k. The house was worth close to $1M due to size of the land it sat on. No mortage. So, from doing nothing his whole life, he’s basically a millionare. 

It almost tore up the family. No one speaks of it anymore. Mother-In-Law won’t even address it when it comes up.

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