Brother wont come over to see my house

posted 1 month ago in Home
Post # 121
698 posts
Busy bee

bearinabeecostume :  

This is the same case we have tried to explain to the OP, about not imposing your perspective on other people.  You would go to show support even if it didn’t interest you.  If that works for you then good.  But expecting others to go through those motions because you would, and concluding that they are rude, selfish or callous because they won’t, boils down to the heart of this thread… judgmental mindset.  The OP’s brother can be a caring and supportive brother without ever driving out to see the construction progress on her house.  Since he lives nearby, if he didn’t drop by to see it ever, even after it was completed, then that would be a bit off, but not something to throw a fit over.  I would be more concerned in that case that perhaps the relationship may need some working on so that he may feel more comfortable visiting the op, as this may have a lot more to do with history of family relationships.  But him visiting or not visiting the construction site is not a measure of his feelings for his sister, and being her brother does not obligate him to dance to her tune lest he be cast off as cold and unkind.  We must respect others as being independent sentient beings who have their own way of doing things and not jump to rash conclusions of rejection or take unnecessary offense when they don’t do things the way we wish they would.  This type of psychological spurr and rein steering of relationships is exhausting and unhealthy for everyone involved.  Respect people’s autonomy or you’ll find yourself a recipient of uncomfortable boundary drawing to keep you from being overbearing.  Make a habit of staying on your own side of the fence and you’ll find your neighbor will have less of an urge to point out the property lines when you meet in the yard.  Good fences make for good neighbors.  Well, that only works if you practice self-restraint and stay on your own side of the fence.  Don’t be climbing up the fence hanging over the top, telling your neighbor what to do.  The heart of the thread.  Respect other people’s autonomy,– especially family members–so that relationships may avoid damage from judgment and/or controlling behavior.

Post # 122
1045 posts
Bumble bee

gimmepretty : I highly, HIGHLY doubt driving by her home, and texting her later, and telling her he saw it, would cause him to book an appointment with his shrink to discuss her psychological steering of the relationship.

I haven’t read OPs previous threads, but my takeaway is her brother is uncharacteristically going out of his way to avoid seeing her home. It could be that she’s pestered him enough to where he’s taking a stand, and not giving in so as to keep her from getting her way. Maybe it’s a sibling thing. He’s being stubborn. In my own family, stubborness over dumb little things like this has lead to broken relationships, because the resentment builds to the point of never speaking to one another again. It’s not worth it. We all have family members who are pains in our ass, but we love them, so we sometimes go out of our way for them. It doesn’t seem worth it to break her heart. 

 Personally, it’s not how I treat family, so I can’t relate, and I don’t apologize for it. 

Post # 123
461 posts
Helper bee

This poor guy is probably damned if he does and damned if he doesn’t. OP is mad that he doesn’t want to go see the construction site, but from the way OP’s posts come across if he were to give in and go see it she would get mad if he doesn’t show what she thinks is the appropriate amount of interest or excitement while there.

For most people, looking at someone else’s partially built house is boring as hell. Him having no interest in looking at a concrete slab, lumber, and dirt in no way means he’s unsupportive or not happy for you. People really need to stop accusing others of that just because they’re not behaving like you want them to. 

Post # 124
180 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2021 - City, State

I don’t understand why your brother and his wife are so resistant to it.  I get that he might not be interested per se, but like…idk, our family is similar to yours.  My maternal aunt and uncle bought a property gosh has to have been around 15 years ago.  Every time we went to see them (they live in another state from us) we would drive 3ish hours to visit the town and see their property, even BEFORE the house was in progress.  Admittedly we only went to see them once or twice a year (again, we live in another state) but still, it was exciting, even for child me.

I dunno, I guess I would want to know why your brother and his wife are so resistant.  Perhaps it has more to do with their relationship or something.  Maybe they are going through something.  Maybe check in with them and see if they’re doing okay.  It could just be projecting.

Post # 125
12671 posts
Honey Beekeeper

If I lived close by and a sibling asked me to come by to see the new home construction, and it clearly meant something to them,  I can’t imagine refusing to go. And as the one building the house, I can’t imagine caring if my sibling didn’t come by to see the build in progress. 

This may relate more to the dynamic of the relationship and the OP’s own feelings of insecurity than anything else. Is it possible the brother is acting out a bit due to jealousy or residual resentment?  Sure. Or maybe it’s not that deep and he’s just uninterested. Or lazy. 

I really don’t know what to make of OP’s admission that she was playing the younger and more naive card on this thread. People can grow and change at any age but mid thirties is all grown up. 

Post # 126
77 posts
Worker bee

Different strokes for different folks, and all that

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