(Closed) Budget – my future fiance’s parents probably won’t pay for anything

posted 12 years ago in Money
Post # 3
423 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2010

That’s my exact current situation. My parents are handling every single detail, while his parents are doing absolutely nothing. What gets me is that – it suits them just fine, while I deal with extreme stress of planning things and my poor family has to bear the burden.

They’re not helping because they won’t, and my parents have decided they are so unreasonable that it’s best to ignore them.

In your case, it sounds like you’re alright with that, though, so count your blessings in that sense!

Post # 4
367 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

i can’t relate to it exactly but since a wedding is usually seen as a bride’s affair, it doesn’t surprise me that his family’s less engaged / involved? it’s the same w/ my Fiance. his parents are interested but they’re not coming up with lots of opinions / suggestions like mine is. it’s not that they don’t care but they are leaving us to do it our own way? it doesn’t mean your parents won’t get along when they meet.. they don’t have to meet for v. long and they’ll have you guys to talk about.. ours came from different countries / cultures but it all worked out fine.. don’t worry

Post # 5
692 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

My husband’s parents were very excited to be involved (and have at least some say) in every aspect of the wedding.  They paid for none of the wedding, and some of the rehearsal dinner.  We are still not yet sure whether we are on the hook for the R.D. (any or even all) because they “don’t like to talk about money.”  At least you know from the get-go.  I don’t think it’s that uncommon of a situation.  

I know it’s easy to say and hard to do, but you can’t be stressed yet.  The hard stuff is still yet to come.  It will get easier–set a date and pick a place and it will lighten up a ton.  Good luck!

Post # 6
2631 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

My FI’s parents are paying for the reception dinner and making the cake (since they are doing that themselves). We are going to have potluck rehearsal dinner (so I can ask everyonevto attatch recipes for me!), and My Fiance and I are paying for everything else. I do not expect my parents to be involved. = ) This may get tough financially but we are early enough getting started it shouldn’t be too much of an issue.

Post # 7
3793 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

We had a somewhat atypical situation.  His parents took care of everything wedding related.  We struggled to find a task that my parents would want to take on but not feel overwhelmed with as a way to “save face”.  Ultimately, my parents threw a lovely rehersal while his parents (and spouse and I) took care of the wedding.  I think the hardest part was getting my parents to not feel bad about their lack of contribution…  They definitely outdid themselves on the BBQ to show that they cared.  And honestly, I wouldn’t have cared if they did nothing at all.  Just having them there was important to me.

Post # 8
338 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I guess I’m your fiance… lol. I’ve been paying my own way since before I went to college. My parents are divorced as well. My dad and I don’t talk… and my mom doesn’t have the money. His family, however, will be willing to help as much as they could in a heartbeat. I really don’t look forward to discussing the logistics of paying for the wedding…

Post # 9
202 posts
Helper bee

I kind of have a feeling that my fiance’s family won’t help either. He wasn’t in the best situation growing up and basically had to raise his younger siblings and his older brother’s children (Yeah, his family has had a lot of problems.). So I don’t see them helping financially or really any way, but it is something I have always kind of known and I wouldn’t ever ask them to or ask him to ask him to, so I am just dealing with it.

I know it is a tough situation but on the bright side, places like WeddingBee show how you can have a great wedding on any budget.

Post # 10
6980 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

Kinda sounds like me 🙂 My future FI’s parents are divorced, one lives about 3 hrs away and the other maybe 10ish. His parents are nice enough and I think they’ll be very morally supportive when we get engaged, but I do not expect they’ll pay for anything. My parents (my mom in particular) I expect will help me with pretty much every detail. I’m really close to my mom and I’m the only daughter so I’m sure she’ll be excited to help me plan. But, I also seriously doubt they’ll give us much if any money at all (and I will certainly not ask for any. They told me they could help with law school OR a wedding, I picked law school!).

I’m really not concerned about it. I think that its normal for brides/brides family to handle the wedding and especially because his parents are not local I think they’ll be fine with just getting an invite and smiling for the camera.

Post # 11
128 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

my problem is exactly opposite… my parents dont want any bit of the financial part of this wedding. i hope that his parents step up a litle for you!

Post # 12
288 posts
Helper bee

I’m the same. His parents are so uninvolved. In the beginning they made the statement “we’ll help pay” but have yet to discuss it with my parents or write a check. They have never asked me any of the details of the wedding or anything. They didn’t even send back their RSVP card. My fiance had to call them to eventually get their meal choices. The wedding is 3 weeks away and they still have not even booked accommodation. I know them very well and I know they are very disorganized, last minute people that are going through a difficult family situation at the moment. But it still bums me out that they don’t even make an effort.

Post # 13
102 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

  We have a strange situation too. I think I would actually prefer FI’s family be a little less interested. His mom has given us a hard time about many things since we started planning. She had offered to cover the rehersal dinner when we first got engaged but has not mentioned it since (we still have time).  My parents said they would help where they could (again no set amount or exact idea) but when I went home this weekend they paid for my dress and we went shopping and found several decoration pieces and she bought those for us and that was very nice. My mom said she would rather go shopping with me and pay for little things as I pick them out. It made my weekend!

Post # 14
226 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

That’s a great idea about the potluck and recipes! FI’s family is doing the rehearsal but they can’t afford the traditional one so they are doing that and the recipe idea is a way of making everyone a little more comfortable about the fact the rehearsal isn’t “traditional” and in a nice restaurant.

Fiance parent’s are teachers and have two young boys to take care of and can’t help at all. I mean at all. We actually didn’t even go to them to ask about money because we are well aware of their finances. What my parents can’t pay we are taking care of, which is a lot because we both just graduated and are making entry level wages WITH student loans.

We kinda have this silent understanding, all of us, that they aren’t expected to provide anything. The rehearsal dinner is perfect bc FI’s dad used to be a sushi chef and caters for large groups on the side and he has access to a venue in our hometown (a little out of our way for the night before but most of our wedding party still lives there anyways).

His extended family, on the other hand, does have money and could pay for the entire wedding in a snap but are traditional and a little stoggy and would’nt offer, nor would we ever ask, to pay. We know we are getting nice gifts and hopefully some decent cash from them so in the end it will probably even out family wise!

Post # 15
136 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

OP:  We’re in the exact same situation!  My parents are incredibly involved in the whole process and have already basically accepted him into the family, they’re helping to pay for things, as well as helping us to “get started” in other ways.  

His parents, on the other hand, have been less involved.  Don’t get me wrong…I love them, they’re very nice, but a bit antisocial.  I can’t see them to offer to help pay for the wedding, but they’ve paid his entire way through college (tuition, board, food, etc.) and given us a great opportunity just in the fact that he has no student loan debt.

I am also pretty content with the fact that they’re not as involved, I am incredibly nervous about my parents meeting his though, for several reasons.  First of all, my Dad is extremely outspoken conservative, and his Dad is an extremely passionate liberal.  (Both of our Mothers are fairly moderate/apathetic, as are Fiance and I.)   Beyond that, his family dynamics are extremely different from mine.  His Dad is the passionate/emotional one in the relationship, and his mother is very passive and calm and logical.   Both of my parents are very passionate, but my mother is definitely the more emotional, and my Dad approaches everything logically.  I think the biggest concern for us, though, is the generational gap.  My Mother is 40, and my Dad (step-Dad, technically) is 37.  Both of his parents are mid-fifties, I believe.  

It will be interesting, for sure…fortunately, we’re settling in Virginia near my family, and his parents are all the way in Northern CA, so hopefully it won’t be too huge of a deal if they don’t get along.

Let me know how it turns out in your situation though, maybe you can provide me with some tips.  Our families won’t meet until his family flies out for the wedding!

Edit: SO sorry for bumping this post, I just noticed how old it was…

Post # 16
3952 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Sorry that’s happening, but we’re also paying for 99 percent of the wedding too, with the inlaws to be paying for the rehearsal dinner.

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